In the initial stages of a relationship, passion ignites effortlessly. Every touch, every glance, and every intimate moment fills us with a burning desire for our partner. However, as time goes on, that once-fiery passion can gradually dwindle, leaving us wondering why the spark seems to be flickering.
Understanding the neurochemistry behind these stages can help couples navigate the changes that occur in their relationships over time.
In this article, we will delve into the fascinating world of love, exploring the brain chemicals that fuel the initial passion and, more importantly, how couples can reignite that spark and keep the flames of love burning bright.
The Chemistry of Love: Lust, Attraction, and Companionship
Love's journey is intricately woven into three distinct stages: lust, attraction, and companionship. Each phase is characterized by a unique blend of brain chemicals that drive our emotions and behavior towards our partners.
Lust: The Fiery Beginnings
The journey of love often begins with lust, an intense physical desire for intimacy and closeness. Testosterone and estrogen play pivotal roles in igniting this initial spark. Testosterone, fuels the desire for physical connection, while estrogen, contributes to feelings of attraction and desire.
Attraction: The Intoxicating High
As the initial spark ignites, the attraction stage takes center stage. Neurotransmitters such as dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin flood our brains, creating an intoxicating chemical cocktail. Dopamine, known as the "pleasure chemical," induces euphoria and exhilaration, hopefully, you remember those feelings making you feel overjoyed in the presence of your partner. Norepinephrine adds an exciting edge, leading to increased heart rate and the classic "butterflies in the stomach" sensation. Serotonin levels drop, resulting in obsessive thoughts about our romantic interest, making it difficult to focus on anything else.
Companionship: The Deep Emotional Connection
As the flames of attraction settle, the companionship phase takes over. Oxytocin, often referred to as the "bonding hormone" or "love hormone," plays a pivotal role during this stage. Released during intimate physical contact and moments of emotional closeness, oxytocin fosters feelings of attachment, empathy, and trust. It solidifies the deep emotional connection between partners, paving the way for a lasting and committed relationship.
Understanding the Changes: Why the Spark Fades?
In the early days of a relationship, the brain is flooded with those euphoric neurochemicals that make us feel on top of the world. However, as time passes, the intensity of these chemicals often diminishes. This is a natural progression as our brains adapt to the new relationship, and the infatuation of the early stage settles into a more stable companionship.
Several factors contribute to the waning of the initial spark:
Habituation
As we become accustomed to our partner's presence and routines, the novelty of the relationship diminishes, leading to a reduction in dopamine surges associated with excitement and pleasure.
Stress and Responsibilities
The demands of daily life, such as work, family, and other commitments, can divert our attention and emotional energy away from our relationship, impacting the release of bonding hormones like oxytocin.
Communication and Emotional Connection
Over time, communication patterns may change, and emotional intimacy may dwindle, affecting the neural pathways associated with attraction and companionship.
Reigniting the Flame: How to Get the Spark Back
Fortunately, the journey of love doesn't have to end with the fading of the initial spark. There are several proactive steps that couples can take to reignite the flame and keep the passion alive and this IS possible.
Dr. Helen Fisher scanned the brains of couples who reported still being “madly in love” with their spouse even after decades of relationship.
Dr. Helen Fisher describes it here:
“These lovers popped up everywhere. An 72 year old retired professor; a 54 year old financier who met her husband on the plane from Boston to New York; a man who met his wife in a hot air balloon: aging lovers weren’t difficult to find. And with time we scanned the brains of 17 people as they looked at a photograph of their sweetheart. Most were in their fifties. All staunchly maintained they were still wildly in love with their partner–after an average of 21 years of marriage.
The results were astonishing. Psychologists maintain that the dizzying feeling of intense romantic love lasts no longer than 18 months to three years—and the vast majority of us believe it. Yet these middle aged men and women showed much of the same brain activity as did the young lovers we had studied years before, individuals who had been intensely in love an average of seven months.
Indeed, these two groups showed only one important difference: Among our long term lovers, brain regions associated with anxiety were no longer active; instead they showed activity in areas associated with calm. These 17 participants weren’t the only ones to maintain this passion, either. When Dr. Bianca and other colleagues subsequently asked 315 long-married men and women in a phone survey, 46% reported that they were still “very intensely in love” with their spouse.*
Source: https://helenfisher.com/romantic-love-can-it-last/
The researchers concluded that maintaining a ‘positive image of your partner’ was the magic ingredient that pushed couples to this happily ever after, and we think we can bring the work of the Gottmans and couples coaching in here to help crystalize this into a template for us to work from to bring that spark back.
So let’s get into the practical things we can do that will bring the flame back into your relationship.
How To Bring The Spark Back in Your Relationship?
Nurture Novelty
Engage in new activities together to bring back the excitement and novelty that characterized the early days of the relationship. Trying new experiences together releases dopamine and reignites the thrill of being with each other.
Prioritize Quality Time
Set aside dedicated time for each other regularly. Whether it's a date night, a weekend getaway, or simply spending quiet moments together, quality time strengthens emotional bonds and fosters intimacy.
Open Communication
Communicate openly and honestly with your partner about your feelings, desires, and needs. Active listening and understanding each other's perspectives create a deeper emotional connection.
Physical Affection
Embrace physical affection, such as hugging, kissing, and holding hands. Physical touch releases oxytocin, reinforcing emotional bonds and increasing feelings of closeness.
Surprise and Spontaneity
Surprise your partner with thoughtful gestures or spontaneous acts of kindness. These gestures can evoke a sense of excitement and remind your partner of your love and appreciation.
Shared Goals
Discuss and work towards shared goals and aspirations. Having common dreams and ambitions strengthens the sense of partnership and shared purpose.
What Can Hasten the Spark Dying Out?
It’s important for us to understand the things that can help the spark diminish as well.
1. Familiarity Breeds Comfort - The Paradox of Routine
In the initial stages of a relationship, everything feels fresh and exhilarating. The novelty of discovering each other's bodies and desires fuels an intense desire for intimacy. However, as time progresses, couples tend to settle into routines and familiarity, which can lead to a sense of comfort but may also result in a loss of excitement. Breaking free from the monotony of predictability becomes essential to rekindle that passionate flame.
2. Life's Demands - Juggling Responsibilities
The fast-paced modern lifestyle often demands our time and energy, leaving us exhausted by the end of the day. As responsibilities pile up, it becomes challenging to find moments of intimacy with our partners. Stress and fatigue can significantly impact our desire for sex, making it imperative to find ways to create space for physical and emotional connection.
3. The Myth of Spontaneity - Relying on Serendipity
In the early stages of a relationship, passion may seem to blossom effortlessly, driven by the excitement of new love. However, as the years pass, the expectation of spontaneous desire can lead to disappointment when it doesn't materialize. Waiting for the perfect moment can inadvertently dampen the frequency of intimate encounters.
4. The Weight of Emotional Baggage - Unresolved Conflicts
Unresolved conflicts and emotional baggage can create a barrier to intimacy. Arguments or lingering tensions may cause partners to feel disconnected, inhibiting their willingness to engage in physical intimacy. Addressing these emotional barriers is crucial for rekindling desire and building a stronger emotional bond.
5. Body Image Concerns - The Influence of Insecurities
As time passes, our bodies may undergo changes, and with it comes a sense of insecurity about our physical appearance. Negative body image can lead to self-consciousness during intimate moments, dampening our willingness to be vulnerable with our partners. Fostering body positivity and open communication about insecurities can be transformative in rebuilding desire.
6. Communication Breakdown - The Silent Divide
In long-term relationships, couples may fall into a pattern of assuming they know each other's desires and preferences. This assumption can lead to a breakdown in communication about sexual needs and desires, leaving partners feeling disconnected and unsatisfied. Relearning the art of open, honest communication can bridge the divide and ignite desire once again.
7. The Role of External Factors - Technology and Distractions
In the digital age, technology can intrude upon our personal lives, creating distractions that steal our attention away from our partners. Constant notifications, social media, and the allure of digital entertainment can unintentionally diminish the time and focus dedicated to intimacy. Redefining boundaries with technology and carving out intentional moments of connection can reignite the spark.
Exercises to Increase Desire
1. Sensual Adventure Jar
Create a jar filled with various intimate activities, fantasies, or desires. Each partner takes turns drawing a slip from the jar and commits to exploring that activity together. This exercise adds an element of surprise and novelty to your intimacy, breaking away from routines.
2. Embrace the Art of Teasing
Build anticipation and desire by engaging in playful teasing throughout the day. Send flirty messages, leave suggestive notes, or plan secret rendezvous to keep the flame of desire burning brightly.
Want help in this? Check out the Desire Course, Getting Kinky Course or Sexual Secrets course in Couply.
3. Recreate Your First Date
Take a trip down memory lane and recreate your first date or any memorable early moments of your relationship. Reliving those cherished memories can remind you of the initial excitement and reignite passion.
4. Sensory Exploration
Engage in sensory-focused activities together, such as blindfolded play or soft touch massages. Heightening your senses can intensify physical and emotional connection.
5. Dance of Desire
Plan a special evening at home, complete with a slow and intimate dance. Dancing together can be incredibly sensual, allowing you to connect on a deeper level and set the mood for a night of passion.
6. Shared Fantasy Story
Collaborate on creating a steamy and exciting erotic story together. Writing a shared fantasy story can be a fun and intimate exercise that allows you to explore each other's desires in a creative and imaginative way.
Schedule an Evening of Intimacy
Initiating a conversation about scheduling a sexy evening can indeed feel awkward or uncomfortable, so here's a helpful guide to broach the topic:
Choose the Right Time: Find a relaxed and private moment when both of you are in a good mood and free from distractions.
Express Your Feelings: Be honest about your desires and feelings. Share that you want to enhance your physical connection and create more intimate moments together.
Normalize the Idea: Remind your partner that scheduling sexyt imes is a common and practical approach for many couples. It can help ensure you both have time to look forward to and prioritize intimacy.
Consider Their Perspective: Listen actively to your partner's thoughts and feelings about scheduling sex. Be understanding if they feel hesitant or have concerns.
Collaborate on a Schedule: Work together to find a schedule that suits both of your preferences and commitments. It could be a specific day or time during the week when you dedicate time to each other.
Be Flexible: Remember that flexibility is essential in any relationship. Be open to adjusting the schedule as needed and communicating openly about any changes.
Emphasize Connection, Not Just Sex: Highlight that scheduling sex isn't just about the act itself, but about fostering emotional and physical intimacy. Share your desire to connect on a deeper level.
Celebrate Your Progress: Once you start scheduling intimate moments, celebrate the positive impact it has on your relationship. Express gratitude for the effort both of you put in to prioritize each other.
Remember, every couple is unique, and what works for one may not work for another. The key is to tailor these exercises to your individual preferences and desires. By embracing open communication and embracing the joy of discovery, you can reignite the flames of desire and create a more passionate and fulfilling relationship.
Note: This conversation script is a suggested guide for couples to navigate the topic of scheduling sex. Adjust the wording to suit your own communication style and relationship dynamic.
Step 1: Setting the Scene
Sit down together in a comfortable and private space where you can have an uninterrupted conversation. Make sure both of you are in a relaxed and receptive mood.
YOU: "Hey, there's something I'd like to talk to you about, if that's okay."
PARTNER: "Of course, what's on your mind?"
Step 2: Expressing Your Feelings
YOU: "I wanted to share my thoughts on our intimacy and our connection. Lately, I've been feeling that we could use more intentional time together, just for ourselves. I value our relationship so much, I love you so much and I’d like us to consciously schedule a sexy evening to help us deepen our connection."
Step 3: Open to Their Feedback
PARTNER: "I understand what you mean. It's just that sometimes I feel a bit hesitant about scheduling intimacy. It feels a bit... planned or less spontaneous."
YOU: "I get that concern. But you know, scheduling intimacy is actually quite common in long-term relationships. It's not about losing spontaneity; it's about making sure we prioritize each other and set aside time to nurture our physical and emotional bond."
Step 4: Emphasizing Connection and Emotional Intimacy
YOU: "For me, it's not just about sex; it's about feeling close to you and connected. I want to create opportunities for us to explore our desires, emotions, and fantasies in a more intentional way. I believe scheduling intimate moments can help us achieve that."
PARTNER: "That makes sense. I do want to feel closer to you too. Maybe we could try it out and see how it feels?"
Step 5: Finding the Right Balance
YOU: "Absolutely, we can start by testing an evening or time that works for both of us. It doesn't have to be rigid or inflexible; we can be open to adjusting as needed. The goal is to create a space for us to focus on each other and enjoy our time together."
Step 6: Collaborating on a Schedule
YOU: "How about we look at possible days or times that work for both of us?"
PARTNER: "Sure, that sounds like a good idea."
YOU: "That sounds great. Let's mark those days on the calendar and commit to spending that time together. And if something comes up and it no longer works, we'll communicate about it and reschedule."
Step 7: Embracing Flexibility
PARTNER: "I like the idea of having designated time for us. It feels like something we can look forward to. And if we can be flexible about it, then it takes away some of the pressure."
YOU: "Exactly! We can use this as an opportunity to explore and deepen our connection.
Step 8: Celebrating Progress
YOU: "I'm really glad we had this conversation. I believe scheduling intimacy can bring us closer and reignite that spark we had in the beginning."
PARTNER: "Me too. I appreciate your openness, and I'm willing to give it a try. Let's see how it goes, and I'm excited about the positive impact it might have on our relationship."
Step 9: Expressing Gratitude
YOU: "Thank you for being receptive to this conversation. I'm grateful that we can talk openly about our desires and work together to strengthen our bond."
PARTNER: "And I'm thankful for your willingness to share your feelings with me. It means a lot that we can have these conversations without judgment or fear.
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