Do you crumble at the slightest sign of betrayal, real or imagined?
Does past heartbreak, abandonment or dishonesty make you guard your tender spots behind iron gates with everyone
We gotta heal those fences between you and intimacy, my friend.
Because our trust issues bleed into even healthy relationships, poisoning bonds before they fully bloom. We self-sabotage through hypervigilance, accusations, testing. But the armor meant to protect us from more hurt just pushes others away.
The good news? With insight into wired-in wounds and practiced, consistent effort, we can dismantle fear-based barriers to truly connect again. This journey—it ain’t linear or quick...but SO worth it.
Understanding Trust Issues
Trust is fragile. Like the thin glass of a screen, it takes only one careless action to shatter, despite previous strength. When betrayal, lying or breaches happen in relationships, the wounds cut deep, often leaving both people reeling.
Yet while broken trust feels painful, with consistent nurturing, it can mend even stronger than before.
According to marriage researcher Dr. John Gottman from The Gottman Institute, repair attempts are key to restoring hope. “Trust isn’t a static thing that you either have or don’t have," Gottman explains, adding that "it's an emotional muscle that can heal over time"
Trust represents the very foundation intimate relationships get built upon. When cracks start fracturing that stability, overwhelming feelings of suspicion, insecurity, hypervigilance and even paranoia can snowball as you begin questioning your partner’s faithfulness.
If your mind spirals imagining worst case scenarios, you comb through their texts/emails finding harmless things to misconstrue, erupt in fits of jealous accusations, or suffer panic whenever they’re out of sight - you likely battle relationship anxiety tied to past betrayals or attachment wounds.
Trust issues can manifest in various forms, including doubts about a partner's fidelity, insecurities stemming from past experiences, and fear of vulnerability.
The good news? While trust issues arise more commonly than couples like admitting, taking proactive steps together to rebuild security and communication habits can mend even the most broken bonds over time. It’s essential to approach these issues with empathy and openness in order to nurture a deeper understanding of the root causes.
Let's dive in on how to handle these trust issues in your relationships.
1.Acknowledge the Problem
Introspection often reveals the first traces of unease within a relationship. It is essential to recognize when trust issues surface, acknowledging the impact they have on both partners' emotional well-being and the dynamics of the relationship. Suppose, for example, a partner notices the emergence of intrusive thoughts or feelings of doubt regarding their significant other's actions. Acknowledging these initial signs prompts the deep dive necessary to understand and address the underlying issues before they fester and cause further harm.
Minimizing the degree of hurt and how severely actions violated relationship terms severely impedes healing. The partner who got betrayed must feel fully listened to and understood regarding exact ways the trust tore. Downplaying damage by saying “it wasn’t really a big deal” causes deeper emotional scarring and prevents parties from moving forward.
As Dr. John Gottman, a renowned researcher and therapist in the field of relationship psychology, suggests in “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” recognizing the presence of trust issues is the essential first step to initiating the healing process.
2.Identify the Root Cause
Once the presence of trust issues is acknowledged, delving into the root cause becomes imperative. Even painful lies, cheating, or betrayal often have underlying root causes needing exploration, like depression, childhood issues, intimacy fears, personal struggles, or communication blocks having little to do with the spouse specifically. These can often stem from past experiences, betrayals, or unresolved conflicts.
For instance, a partner’s struggles with trust might be influenced by past relationships where they experienced deceit or emotional detachment. Identifying these origins allows for a deeper understanding of the complexities surrounding the current trust issues.
According to a study by Dr. Shirley Glass, a renowned psychologist specializing in infidelity and trust in relationships, unresolved past trauma often forms the basis for trust issues.
3.Communicate Openly and Honestly
Effective communication acts as the bridge between acknowledging trust issues and taking the necessary steps to address them. Creating a safe space where both partners can openly express their concerns, fears, and vulnerabilities facilitates understanding and empathy. The atmosphere of honesty fosters a supportive environment for collaborative problem-solving.
A personal anecdote: In my experience, a couple struggling with trust issues found solace in designated “heart-to-heart” sessions. All electronic devices were put away, and both partners were encouraged to express their feelings without interruption or judgment. This allowed them to heal the rifts in their relationship and gradually rebuild the trust that had been eroded over time.
Dr. Brené Brown, a leading researcher on vulnerability and trust, emphasizes the integral role of open and honest communication in restoring trust within relationships.
Rebuilding trust necessitates shifting away from looking to blame or justifying missteps into courageously naming what happened, expressing feelings beneath it then working to understand each other's experiences through open dialogue
4.Take Responsibility and Apologize
Acknowledging one’s role in contributing to the erosion of trust and taking responsibility for actions or inactions demonstrate sincerity and accountability. A genuine apology, devoid of excuses, lays the foundation for healing and rebuilding the damaged trust. It serves as a crucial step in validating the hurt experienced by the betrayed partner.
Research conducted by Dr. Aaron Lazare, a psychiatrist and former chancellor of the University of Massachusetts Medical School, underscores the transformative power of a sincere apology in repairing broken trust.
The offending partner must own actions fully no matter underlying wounds influencing them. They need to validate the real consequences to trust and descriptive how choices violated relationship values or vows. Taking full accountability through apologizing opens space for earning back credibility.
5.Forgive and Move Forward
Forgiving oneself and one’s partner is an essential step towards releasing the burden of past transgressions and unburdening the relationship from the weight of resentment. It involves an intentional act of letting go of the pain and adopting a mindset focused on the present and future rather than being anchored in the past.
Psychological studies, such as those by Dr. Everett L. Worthington Jr., a leading psychologist in the field of forgiveness, highlight the positive impact of forgiveness in releasing individuals from the emotional captivity of betrayal and fostering psychological well-being.
Forgiveness represents a conscious choice - it can’t get forced prematurely until the receiver feels sufficiently supported through processing trauma. The betrayer must focus solely on earning back trust through changed actions without demanding pardoned before the partner organically arrives there.
6.Rebuild Trust Incrementally
The process of rebuilding trust is akin to reconstructing a delicate structure – it requires patience, care, and attention to detail. Incremental steps towards rebuilding trust can include consistent communication, fulfilling commitments, and maintaining transparency. These actions serve as the building blocks for regaining a sense of security and reassurance.
An example from a friend's experience illustrates this incremental approach. After a breach of trust, the couple set small, attainable goals focused on rebuilding trust. These ranged from sharing daily updates on their whereabouts to being open about their emotional experiences throughout the day. Over time, these incremental steps fostered a renewed sense of security and closeness.
Consistency builds trust slowly over time more than any single grand gesture - it proves through small actions adding up that positive patterns replaced damaged ones. This means following through consistently on promises, check-ins, policy changes and emotional availability
7.Use Couples Apps
Know that you don't have to navigate the choppy waters of trust issues alone. Modern tools like the Couply app.
While nothing replaces in-person transparency, accountability and care essential for rebuilding broken bonds over time, modern app tools like Couply offer helpful scaffolds strengthening trusting connection along the way.
Couply allows partners to answer relationship questions, couples quizzes, play games, send plan shared calendar reminders for key bonding rituals like daily check-ins, instantly translate feelings into a digestible format during tense exchanges and even consult research-based relationship tips and expert articles right within the interface.
Having a trusted guide tangibly by your sides during trust's fragile phases eliminates guesswork for overwhelmed couples unsure of next right steps. The app can help identify strengths, places needing work and prompt productive talks.
While technology doesn't replace the heavy interpersonal lifting both parties must dedicate to resurrecting a relationship, supportive resources reduce anxiety around how to show up for one another through emotional distance.
Having a trusted guide to lean on when you aren't quite sure of next right steps or need productive prompts when sitting down for challenging talks eliminates guesswork. Lasting can help identify strengths to build on and rupture points to address as you give rebuilding your foundation a fair shot.
Downloading Couply demonstrates commitment just as powerfully as making a counseling appointment. It says "I'm willing to take guided action to understand and practice intimacy skills for us." Tiny inputs create huge positive gains overtime.
8.Seek Professional Help
Unfortunately some betrayals and patterns of deception run too deep for couples to unravel alone. Especially when repeated cycles exist or there's underlying mental health or addiction issues fueling destructive behaviors, enlisting outside expertise proves critical.
According to a study in Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, couple therapy significantly increases trust, intimacy, affection and relationship satisfaction compared to control groups.
Having a licensed mental health professional support you through the delicate process of deconstructing past wounds, navigating intense emotions like anger and grief, establishing healthy conflict rhythms and discerning whether reconciliation feels plausible all help avoid spiraling.
Trained objectivity assists partners caught in betrayal's chaotic emotional cyclone make sense of things and forge healthier relating skills even if they ultimately don't stay together. If one member resists help, the other seeking individual counseling also provides support.
Bottom line - don't underestimate the healing power professional counseling lends the road back to trust if personal attempts alone hit a standstill. Reach out for the final push.
9.Be Patient and Consistent
Patience and consistency are integral throughout the process of addressing and nurturing trust within a relationship. Trust, once damaged, takes time to mend and grow. Both partners must demonstrate unwavering patience and consistency in their words and actions. Building trust is a gradual, ongoing process, marked by setbacks and victories along the way.
Psychological research by Dr. Robert J. Sternberg, a prominent figure in the study of love and relationships, highlights the significance of patience and perseverance in rebuilding trust and maintaining healthy relationships.
UCLA researchers explain rebuilt trust often materializes slowly like bricks stacking over years - not instant reconciliation. Stay focused on incremental trust-building efforts within your control, not outside timelines. If positive patterns continue cementing, forgiveness can follow gradually.
10.Choose Each Other Again and Again
Reconciliation requires both members of a couple to consciously choose one another day after day in the present rather than remaining stuck in the past.
This means the wounded individual letting go of repeatedly throwing painful history back as ammunition to morally one up or punishment during future arguments. It means offering empathy remembering times of personal failure too.
And for the partner who violated trust, it means patiently answering questions, listening to process anger as it resurfaces, and volunteering transparency without acting entitled to automatic forgiveness on expected timelines.
In short - reconciliation works best when both people acknowledge reconciliation as a process, not a single event. Each chooses to give effort, extend grace once more and write a new story moving forward versus remaining chained to previous chapters forever.
John Gottman describes this as “turning towards” your partner by responding more positively in frequent small exchanges to regenerate a sense of genuine fondness, appreciation and goodwill.
This turning towards rejuvenates emotional connection. It builds resilience when conflicts inevitably come up. And it cements subconscious trust this person has your back.
So after traumatic fractures, taking intentional action to face one another again with vulnerability, accountability and compassion ultimately empowers relationships to be rebuilt on foundations sturdier than before cracks appeared. You start fresh but wiser - more skilled at identifying needs and navigating conflict.
The phase “choose each other daily” fills wedding vows for a reason. All lasting love requires continuous micro-decisions to prioritize “us” over “me”. To lean into messy imperfection. And to cut breaks offering partner what you’d want granted for personal mistakes.
About the Author
Sheravi Mae Galang is a Content Coordinator for the Couply app. Couply was created to help couples improve their relationships. Couply has over 300,000 words of relationship quizzes, questions, couples games, and date ideas and helps over 400,000 people. You can connect with her through email (sheravimaegalang@gmail.com).
