Deciding when to take the leap and move in together is a big step in any relationship. It's a decision that shouldn't be taken lightly, as it can have a significant impact on both your personal lives and the future of your partnership. But when is the right time to make this major commitment?
How Do You Know When It's Time to Move in Together?
We’ve all heard about the relationship timeline. That little imaginary guidebook on how many dates you should have before the first kiss, when spending the night for the first time is considered okay, and how long you should wait before moving in together!
But we also know that no two relationships are the same, some develop slowly, over years, others are ready to tie the knot a year after the first date.
So maybe you and your partner are thinking of moving in together, but wondering if it’s too soon?
We’ve got you!
There isn't a one-size-fits-all answer, as every couple is unique and has different circumstances. However, there are some essential factors to consider when making this decision.
Below is a quick relationship quiz on if it’s time to move in together and also a list of red flags, green flags, and things you should consider before taking that next step.
Relationship Quiz: Is it the right time to move in together?
Red flags: Signs That You're Not Ready to Move in Together
Here are some signs that you and your partner may not be ready to move in together.
1. You don’t talk about money and finances
This is a major red flag because money is one of the leading causes of conflict in relationships. If you and your partner can't talk openly and honestly about your finances, it's going to be difficult to live together. Maybe you or your partner are in a financial rough patch and are avoiding talking about it. Or maybe one of you makes more than the other and one of you is upset by it.
Whatever it may be, it means you don’t talk about your finances. Openly discussing money and finances is essential. If either of you is avoiding this topic, it might indicate underlying financial stress or disparities that need to be addressed. Ensuring transparent communication about finances sets a strong foundation for your shared life.
2. You’re going through a major life change
A major life change will effect everything. It can cause us to make rash decisions without thinking them through. Life changes can evoke impulsive decisions. During times of upheaval, it's wise to reflect on whether moving in together is the right step or if allowing time for adjustment is necessary. If you’re going through major life change, maybe take a step back and think this through.
Moving in together is a big change, so it's important to make sure that you're both on the same page and that you're ready for it. If you're going through a major life change, such as a job loss, a death in the family, or a move, it's best to wait until things have settled down before moving in together.
3. You can’t manage healthy conflict
Disagreements are normal, but if your conflicts never seem to reach a resolution and instead lead to constant arguments, then maybe it’s a sign to reevaluate your relationship before moving in together.
4. You haven’t had a trial run
One important thing to do before moving in together is having a trial run. If you haven’t spend more than a few days staying at either yours or your partners place then you can’t be sure that you can do that indefinitely. It's a good idea to spend some time living together before you make the decision to move in permanently. This will give you a chance to see how you get along on a day-to-day basis and to make sure that you're compatible as roommates.
Before committing fully, spending extended time together is essential. If you haven't experienced more than a few days living together, you might lack insight into how your dynamics might evolve over time.
5. You can’t support yourself
Moving in with someone when you're not financially independent can strain both your partner and the relationship. Ensuring you can support yourself alleviates unnecessary pressure. Moving in with another person may not be the best thing to do. Make sure that you're able to support yourself before you make the move.
6. You have different goals
Having goals separate from your partner can be important, it can help keep your personal identity outside of your relationship. It's also important to have some shared goals in a relationship. If you and your partner have different goals for the future, it can cause conflict and make it difficult to live together.
7. You’re not in love
If you aren’t in love with your partner and you’re moving in together it can become a roommate sort of situation. If you’re hoping that moving in together will help you fall in love, it could just cause further tension.
8. Your gut says no
Instincts are often spot-on. Trusting your instincts can save you from unnecessary turmoil in the long run. Trusting your gut is an important part in our every day lives. If you have that feeling that this isn't something you want, trust it, there’s usually a good reason behind it.
Green Flags: Signs That You're Ready to Move in Together
Here are the telltale signs that indicate you and your partner are ready for the exciting adventure of sharing a home.
1. You practically live together
If you and your partner spend a lot of time together and you're already comfortable with each other's routines. If you're already living like you're living together, then moving in together might be a natural next step.
2. You’re on the same page about your relationship
Have you talked about where you want this relationship to go and are on the same page? This means that you've talked about your future plans and you're both on the same page about what you want. If you're both committed to the relationship and you're both ready to take the next step, then moving in together might be a good idea.
3. You have good finances
A solid understanding of your financial responsibilities and an ability to discuss money openly suggests that you're ready to navigate shared financial commitments with ease. Make sure that you’re ready to pay your way and that you’re open about your finances. So if you're both financially stable, you're able to afford to live together, and if you're both able to contribute to the household expenses, then it’ll make the process easier and more enjoyable.
4. You have good communication
Making sure you know how to have discussions without it turning into a fight right away, knowing when your partner needs space, and how to talk about difficult topics is a sure sign that you’re ready to move in together. Being able to navigate disagreements without escalating into fights, understanding when your partner needs space, and addressing difficult topics maturely are all indicators of a strong foundation for shared living. If you're able to communicate effectively, then it will be easier to resolve conflicts and disagreements.
5. You support your partners goals and they support yours
Having each others back and supporting the other person's goals is vital to any relationship. Making sure that you have that is another check off the list of requirements. A shared belief in each other's potential is a green flag that you're fostering a healthy, nurturing environment. If you're both supportive of each other, then it will make the journey of moving in together even more rewarding.
6. You can deal with their living quirks
Spending significant time together unveils each other's living habits – the messiness or unique quirks. Being able to accept these traits minimizes future conflicts over household chores and cleanliness. If you’ve spent a reasonable amount of time with another person, you’ve learned how messy they are or some of their ‘quirks’. Making sure that you can deal with another persons mess can help avoid arguments over chores and cleanliness. If you can't deal with their mess or their bad habits, then it might be a sign that you're not ready to move in together.
7. You don’t keep big secrets from each other
When you're comfortable enough to share your deepest secrets and vulnerabilities, it's a testament to the trust and intimacy in your relationship, indicating you're prepared for the next level. Ask yourself if you can do that with your partner, and if you can’t then maybe it’s a good idea to ask yourself why. If you can't be honest with each other, then it might be a sign that you're not ready to move in together.
8. Your gut says yes
This means that you have a good feeling about moving in together. If you're feeling excited and optimistic about the prospect of living together, then it's probably a good idea to go for it. Trusting your gut is an important part in our every day lives. Intuition often guides us in the right direction. If you have that feeling that this is something you want and there’s enough to back up that feeling, then it's a strong indicator that you're emotionally and mentally ready to embark on this new chapter together.
Things to think about: Things to consider before moving in together?
1. Location
Talk about whether you want to live in the bustling downtown area, or in the surrounding suburbs. Take into consideration if you plan on starting a family there, if it’s going to be your forever home, if you want to move in the next few years.
2. Personal space
Figure out what each person needs to have their personal space. Maybe one of you needs an office, or a space they can relax after a long day at work.
3. Chores
Make a list of household chores, talk about who prefers doing what, maybe even set up a schedule.
4. Routines
Learn each others routines, figure out how to respect each others and incorporate them with your own.
5. Fears
Talk about any fears you may have about moving in together and how you can make things work. What if one of you getting relocated for work, or if you lose your job – have you saved a few months emergency pot?
6. Pets
If you already have pets or are thinking about getting one, make sure you and your partner are on the same page about them. Figure out if you’re dog or cat people, maybe both, or maybe neither.
7. Why?
Ask yourself if it makes the most sense in your relationship, or if it’s just a good idea from a financial stand point. Figuring out the why maybe the best way to see if this is is a good decision.
Alternative Options to Consider Before Moving in Together
While moving in together is a significant step in a relationship, it's not the only option for couples looking to deepen their commitment. Here are alternative arrangements to consider before taking the plunge:
- Living Apart Together (LAT): LAT is a modern relationship model where couples maintain separate residences while committed to each other. It allows for independence and personal space while nurturing the emotional connection.
- Extended Stays: Rather than immediately cohabitating, some couples choose to spend more extended periods together at each other's homes. This gradual approach can help test compatibility before committing to a shared living space.
- Weekend Retreats: Spending weekends together can be a compromise between separate living arrangements and full cohabitation. It allows couples to enjoy quality time while retaining their own spaces during the week.
- Engaging in Travel Experiences: Traveling together can provide a unique bonding experience. Consider embarking on extended trips or exploring the world together before making a permanent move.
- Living in Proximity: If possible, you can choose to live in apartments or houses close to each other without officially moving in together. This allows for regular visits while maintaining individual living spaces.
- Cohousing Communities: Some couples opt for cohousing communities where multiple families or individuals live in close proximity, sharing common spaces and resources while maintaining separate living quarters.
- Trial Living Arrangements: Before committing to a long-term lease or purchase, consider a trial period of living together to test compatibility. If it works well, you can then make a more permanent arrangement.
- Virtual Cohabitation: In today's digital age, virtual cohabitation is an option. Couples can share a digital space through video calls, shared calendars, and even virtual reality, allowing for a sense of togetherness while physically apart.
- Living on the Same Property: If you have the space, you can consider separate living quarters on the same property, such as guesthouses or adjacent apartments. This provides proximity while maintaining personal space.
- Engagement or Marriage: For some couples, moving in together might be a stepping stone to engagement or marriage. Consider discussing your long-term goals and timeline before making a decision.
All relationships develop at their own pace, so while there may be no definitive answer to what is considered too soon, thinking about the reasons behind the idea, asking yourself and your partner these questions can all help you decide if this is the right idea.
Sources:
https://www.lifehack.org/823385/relationship-timeline
https://www.bustle.com/wellness/green-flags-relationship-experts
