Do you ever feel like your partner is charming and attentive one minute, then cold and dismissive the next? You might be dealing with a covert narcissist. While we often think of narcissists as loud, boastful, and attention-seeking, there's a more subtle form of narcissism that can be just as damaging in relationships.

Unlike their flamboyant counterparts, covert narcissists are subtle. This blog post will reveal 5 hidden signs you might be missing, and how to identify a potential narcissist in your relationship.

What is Covert Narcissism?

Covert narcissism, also known as vulnerable narcissism, is a less obvious form of narcissistic personality disorder. These individuals still have an inflated sense of self-importance and a deep need for excessive attention and admiration. However, they express these traits in more indirect ways.

Interestingly, covert narcissism is more commonly observed in women, though it can affect anyone regardless of gender. This may be due to societal expectations that often discourage overt displays of superiority in women.

Similarities and Differences Between Overt and Covert Narcissism

To truly understand the nuances of narcissistic behavior, it's crucial to compare overt and covert narcissism side by side.

Similarities Between Overt and Covert Narcissism

Despite these differences, both types share core narcissistic traits:

• Fragile self-esteem
• Deep need for admiration and validation
• Lack of true empathy
• Difficulty maintaining healthy relationships
• Tendency to exploit others for personal gain
• Hypersensitivity to criticism
• Sense of entitlement

Differences Between Overt and Covert Narcissism

While both types share core narcissistic traits, they manifest in distinctly different ways:

Understanding these differences and similarities is crucial in identifying narcissistic behavior in relationships. While an overt narcissist might be easier to spot due to their loud and attention-seeking behavior, a covert narcissist can often fly under the radar, making their behavior potentially more insidious in close relationships.

What is a Covert Narcissist Like?

Covert narcissists can be difficult to identify due to their subtle behavior. However, there are several key traits that often characterize their personality and actions:

1. Blaming Others for Their Problems

• Description: Covert narcissists have a strong tendency to deflect responsibility and blame others for their issues. They struggle to acknowledge their own faults or mistakes, instead pointing fingers at those around them.
• Why It's a Sign: This refusal to take accountability is a hallmark of narcissism. It stems from their fragile self-esteem and need to maintain a perception of perfection.
• Examples:
  • Your partner might blame you for being late to an event, even though they were the one who took too long getting ready.
  • They might attribute their lack of career progress to "unfair bosses" or "office politics" rather than their own performance.
  • If confronted about hurtful behavior, they might say, "Well, if you hadn't made me angry, I wouldn't have acted that way."

2. Passive-aggressive Behavior

• Description: Instead of expressing their needs or frustrations directly, covert narcissists often resort to subtle, indirect expressions of hostility.
• Why It's a Sign: This behavior allows them to express negative feelings while maintaining a facade of innocence, fitting with their need for covert control and manipulation.
• Examples:
  • Giving the silent treatment when upset, rather than discussing the issue.
  • Making sarcastic or backhanded compliments.
  • Deliberately "forgetting" to do tasks they've agreed to do.
  • Procrastinating on important responsibilities as a way to frustrate others.

3. Prone to Victimhood

• Description: Covert narcissists frequently portray themselves as the victim in various situations, even when they're the ones at fault.
• Why It's a Sign: This behavior feeds into their need for attention and sympathy, while also deflecting any blame or criticism.
• Examples:
  • Constantly complaining about how unfairly they're treated at work, in social situations, or in the relationship.
  • Exaggerating or fabricating health issues to gain sympathy and attention.
  • Portraying themselves as the "misunderstood genius" whose talents are unrecognized by others.
  • Using past traumas (real or exaggerated) to justify their poor behavior or to manipulate others.

4. Constant Need for Admiration

• Description: Covert narcissists have an insatiable craving for validation and admiration. Unlike their overt counterparts, they may seek this validation in more subtle ways, often through false modesty or self-deprecation.
• Why It's a Sign: This behavior reveals a deep-seated insecurity and self-centeredness. It stems from their fragile self-esteem and constant need for external validation to maintain their sense of self-worth.
• Examples:
  • Fishing for compliments by putting themselves down, e.g., "I'm so bad at this" (expecting you to disagree and praise them).
  • Needing excessive praise for routine tasks or small achievements.
  • Becoming visibly upset or withdrawing when they don't receive the admiration they expect.
  • Constantly comparing their achievements to others and needing reassurance that they're "better."

5. Frequent Gaslighting

• Description: Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where the narcissist makes you question your own memory, perception, and sanity. They deny or distort reality to maintain control over you and the narrative.
• Why It's a Sign: Gaslighting is a common tactic used by narcissists to maintain control and manipulate their partner's perception of reality. It allows them to avoid accountability and keep their partner in a state of confusion and self-doubt.
• Examples:
  • Denying they said or did something, even when you have clear evidence.
  • Trivializing your emotions: "You're too sensitive" or "You're overreacting."
  • Shifting blame: "I only did that because you made me angry."
  • Rewriting history: "That's not how it happened at all. You're remembering it wrong."
  • Using your insecurities against you: "You're just paranoid because of your past relationships."

6. The Master of Guilt Trips

• Description: Covert narcissists are often skilled at inducing guilt in others, using it as a tool for manipulation and control.
• Why It's a Sign: This behavior allows them to maintain their perceived superiority while making others feel indebted or inadequate. It's a subtle form of emotional manipulation that keeps their partner off-balance and more likely to comply with their wishes.
• Examples:
  • Making exaggerated sacrifices and then constantly reminding you of them.
  • Using phrases like "After all I've done for you..." to make you feel obligated.
  • Comparing your actions unfavorably to their own: "I would never treat you the way you treat me."
  • Playing the martyr: "I guess I'll just do everything myself, as usual."
  • Using silent treatment or withdrawal of affection to make you feel guilty for perceived slights.

7. Excessive Charm in Public but Cold in Private

• Description: Covert narcissists often display a Jekyll and Hyde personality, appearing charming and affectionate in social settings but becoming cold, distant, or even hostile in private.
• Why It's a Sign: This behavior indicates a desire to control how others perceive them while neglecting their partner's needs in private. It's part of their need to maintain a positive public image while feeling free to drop the act when alone with their partner.
• Examples:
  • Being overly affectionate at a party but immediately becoming distant once home.
  • Praising their partner in front of friends but criticizing them harshly in private.
  • Appearing attentive and caring in public but ignoring their partner's needs when alone.

8. Exploitative Behavior

• Description: Covert narcissists often exploit others to achieve their own goals, using manipulation and charm to get what they want without regard for others' feelings or well-being.
• Why It's a Sign: This shows a lack of empathy and a willingness to use others as means to an end, which is a core trait of narcissism.
• Examples:
  • Borrowing money without intention to repay.
  • Using their partner's connections for personal gain without reciprocation.
  • Taking credit for their partner's work or ideas.
  • Manipulating friends or family members to take their side in arguments.

9. Difficulty Handling Criticism

• Description: Covert narcissists react poorly to criticism, often becoming defensive, angry, or withdrawn when faced with even mild feedback.
• Why It's a Sign: Their inability to handle criticism highlights their fragile ego and need for constant affirmation. It reveals the insecurity beneath their facade of confidence.
• Examples:
  • Responding to constructive feedback with anger or accusations.
  • Sulking or giving the silent treatment after perceived criticism.
  • Deflecting blame onto others when shortcomings are pointed out.
  • Minimizing or rationalizing their mistakes instead of acknowledging them.

10. Superficial Relationships

• Description: Covert narcissists often have many acquaintances but few deep, meaningful relationships. They may appear popular but struggle to maintain close, long-term friendships.
• Why It's a Sign: This indicates their preference for surface-level interactions where they can maintain control and avoid vulnerability. It also reflects their difficulty with genuine emotional intimacy.
• Examples:
  • Having a large social media following but few close friends.
  • Frequently changing friend groups or romantic partners.
  • Avoiding deep conversations or emotional sharing with others.
  • Maintaining relationships only as long as they serve a purpose.

11. Sense of Entitlement

• Description: Covert narcissists often harbor a belief that they deserve special treatment or privileges, even if they don't openly express it.
• Why It's a Sign: This sense of entitlement often leads to unreasonable demands and expectations, revealing their inflated sense of self-importance.
• Examples:
  • Expecting their partner to prioritize their needs above all else.
  • Becoming upset when they don't receive preferential treatment.
  • Disregarding rules or social norms that they feel shouldn't apply to them.
  • Expecting constant accommodation for their preferences or schedule.

These traits often intertwine and reinforce each other in the behavior of a covert narcissist. For instance, their difficulty handling criticism might lead to exploitative behavior to maintain their sense of superiority, while their superficial relationships allow them to maintain their public charm without risking vulnerability. Recognizing these patterns can be crucial in identifying covert narcissism in a relationship. However, it's important to remember that everyone may display some of these behaviors occasionally. It's the consistent pattern over time that may indicate a deeper issue of covert narcissism.

How to Deal with a Potential Covert Narcissist

Recognizing that you might be in a relationship with a covert narcissist is an important first step. However, knowing how to handle the situation is equally crucial. Here are some strategies to help you navigate this challenging relationship dynamic:

1. Set Boundaries and Don't Be Afraid to Say No

• Why it's important: Narcissists often push boundaries to maintain control. Setting clear limits is essential for your emotional well-being.
• How to do it:
  • Clearly communicate your limits and expectations.
  • Be firm and consistent in enforcing these boundaries.
  • Use "I" statements to express your needs, e.g., "I need time alone to recharge."
• Example: If they demand constant attention, establish specific times for personal space.

2. Document Their Manipulative Behavior to Maintain Perspective

• Why it's important: Gaslighting can make you doubt your own perceptions. Keeping a record helps validate your experiences.
• How to do it:
  • Keep a journal of incidents, including dates and specific behaviors.
  • Save text messages or emails that demonstrate manipulative tactics.
  • Note your feelings and reactions to help identify patterns.
• Example: Record instances of blame-shifting or guilt-tripping to recognize recurring themes.

3. Seek Support from Friends, Family, or a Therapist

• Why it's important: Dealing with a narcissist can be isolating. External support provides validation and different perspectives.
• How to do it:
  • Confide in trusted friends or family members about your experiences.
  • Consider joining a support group for partners of narcissists.
  • Seek professional help from a therapist experienced in narcissistic abuse.
• Example: Share specific incidents with a friend to get an outside perspective on the behavior.

4. Consider Couples Therapy if They Are Willing to Work on the Relationship

• Why it's important: Professional intervention can help address relationship dynamics and potentially lead to positive changes.
• How to do it:
  • Suggest therapy as a way to improve communication and understanding.
  • Choose a therapist experienced in personality disorders.
  • Be prepared for potential resistance or manipulation in therapy sessions.
• Example: Frame therapy as a way to strengthen the relationship rather than fixing problems.

Additional Strategies:

1. Practice Self-Care

• Prioritize your physical and mental health.
• Engage in activities that bring you joy and boost your self-esteem.

2. Educate Yourself

• Learn more about narcissistic personality disorder and covert narcissism.
• Understanding the condition can help you respond more effectively.

3. Develop Financial Independence

• If possible, maintain separate finances to reduce potential for financial manipulation.
• Have a financial safety net in case you need to leave the relationship.

4. Plan for Safety

• If the narcissist becomes abusive, have a safety plan in place.
• Know where you can go and who you can call in an emergency.

Remember, while these strategies can help you cope with a covert narcissist, they're not guaranteed to change the narcissist's behavior. If the relationship becomes too damaging to your mental health or well-being, it's okay to consider ending it. Your safety and mental health should always be the priority.

Recognizing and dealing with a covert narcissist in your relationship can be challenging and emotionally draining. Remember, you deserve respect, empathy, and genuine love in your relationships. While it's possible for some narcissists to change with dedicated effort and therapy, your well-being should always come first.

As you navigate this difficult situation, keep in mind these words:

"The only people who get upset about you setting boundaries are the ones who were benefiting from you having none."

This quote serves as a powerful reminder of the importance of self-care and boundary-setting when dealing with a covert narcissist. Trust your instincts, seek support, and prioritize your mental and emotional health. Whether you choose to work on the relationship or move on, remember that you have the strength to create a healthier, happier life for yourself.