We've all been there before - you spend hours tidying the house before your partner gets home, but they don't even seem to notice. Or you pick up their dry cleaning, make their appointments, and run all their errands, only to have them complain you didn't do something else they needed.
Sound familiar?
What are the 5 Love Languages?
Misunderstandings like these are common in relationships because we all have different "love languages," or ways we naturally express and interpret love. Back in the 1990s, relationship counselor Dr. Gary Chapman identified 5 key love languages in his bestselling book: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Physical Touch, and Acts of Service.
According to Chapman's theory, we each have a primary language that makes us feel most loved when others speak it. The problem is, your partner's native tongue likely differs from yours! Maybe your language is Physical Touch, but theirs is Quality Time. Or Vice Versa. We'll express love through our own language, but it doesn't always land if delivered in the "wrong" language.
This blog will take a deep dive into one love language in particular - Acts of Service. What exactly are acts of service, why are they so important, and how can you speak this language fluently to improve your relationships? Let's explore this language of love backed by action over words.
What Exactly Are Acts of Service?
Acts of Service refers to doing things for your partner that you know they would like done. This could be cooking them dinner, cleaning the house, running errands, or really any chore or task that makes their life easier. People who speak the Acts of Service love language feel most cared for when their partner pitches in to lighten their load.
For example, you know your partner has had an exhausting week at work. To show your love, you tidy up the house, do the laundry and dishes, pick up their dry cleaning, and have dinner ready when they walk in the door. Or if your partner always complains about taking the trash out, you start doing it without being asked. These acts of service communicate love by saving your partner time and energy.
Acts of Service go beyond just doing chores, though. It could be researching a problem your partner is having and giving them advice. Scheduling appointments for them. Organizing an event. Helping them solve an issue with their computer. Going out of your way to assist them with something. The key is knowing what your partner needs help with and then doing it to make them feel supported and valued.
Characteristics of Acts of Service Lovers
Here are some common characteristics of people who have Acts of Service as their primary love language:
1. Practical
Those who feel most cared for by Acts of Service appreciate practical expressions of love. They favor helpful behaviors over just words or sentiments when it comes to feeling valued by their partner.
2. Observant
People with this language tend to notice when things need to be done. They see when their partner is tired, overwhelmed, or could use help. They often quietly take care of tasks as an act of caretaking.
3. Humble
Lovers of Acts of Service tend to be humble about their own needs. Instead of asking directly for help, they take pride in self-reliance and do for themselves whenever possible. But they also graciously accept acts of service as expressions of love.
4. Appreciative
Those who feel loved when someone lends a hand are very appreciative when others assist them. They openly and often express gratitude for the person's time, care, effort, and willingness to tackle tasks, no matter how small.
5. Helpful Themselves
People with Acts of Service as their love language tend to be helpful themselves. They enjoy actively supporting the well-being of their loved ones and like sparing others from having to do chores or tackle challenges alone.
6. Value Effort and Sacrifice
What matters most to Acts of Service devotees is that their partners are willing to go out of their way to do something helpful for them. The effort and sacrifice inherent in an act of service reinforces feeling cared about.
7. Practical Support Feels Connecting
Simple things like having dinner ready after an exhausting day or filling up someone's gas tank touch the heart of someone with this language. Useful assistance makes them feel supported and more intimately bonded.
Reasons Why You Have Acts of Service as a Love Language
Why do some people resonate so strongly with Acts of Service as their primary love language? There are several psychological and personality factors that help explain this tendency.
Firstly, those who value acts of service highly appreciate tangible evidence that their partner cares. They want concrete proof through action, not just empty words that could be lies. Acts of service provide demonstrable investment in the relationship, which reassures them that their partner is committed.
In addition, people who gravitate toward acts of service often have an anxious or insecure attachment style. They need frequent reassurance that their partner truly cares. Acts of service provide that reassurance and security. Doing thoughtful things for them relieves their worries about the relationship.
Those whose love language is Acts of Service also tend to derive a strong sense of self-worth and value from being helpful and useful to others. So when someone serves them, it reinforces their perception of being a valued person deserving of care and effort.
Childhood upbringing likely plays a role too. People raised in families that emphasized duty, responsibility, and pragmatism over verbal sentimentality learned to associate care with action and sacrifice. They carry this belief that love equals action into adult relationships.
Personality is a factor as well. Concrete thinkers have an easier time processing tangible acts than verbal expressions when it comes to feeling loved. And "givers" who show love through giving assume their partners must operate the same way.
Finally, acts of service provide relief from feeling overwhelmed and reinforce sacrifice as the ultimate demonstration of love. People who feel easily stressed or believe true love requires self-sacrifice are touched most when partners take burdens away from them.
So in summary, appreciating tangible proof, needing reassurance, deriving worth from helping, duty-based upbringings, concrete thinking, a giving mentality, relief from feeling overwhelmed, and belief in sacrifice through service all help explain why Acts of Service becomes someone's primary love language.
How to Speak the Acts of Service Love Language
If your partner feels most loved when you do things for them, here are some tips for speaking their love language:
- Pay attention to the tasks your partner dislikes and take them off their plate. Don't wait to be asked; proactively handle chores and errands related to those tasks.
- Perform daily acts of service like making the bed, walking the dog, packing their lunch for work, etc. Integrate these thoughtful habits into your routine.
- Look for opportunities to solve problems or do research that would help your partner. If they're struggling with something, offer your time and effort to assist.
- Occasionally, do something over-the-top thoughtful. Plan a relaxing spa day for them. Organize their closet. Provide a particularly needed service. These grand gestures will have a big impact.
- Learn which specific acts you feel most loving to your partner and focus on those. Customize acts of service to their preferences.
- Allow your partner to reciprocate sometimes too. Acts of service go both ways in healthy relationships. Make sure it's not totally one-sided.
The key is to pay attention and anticipate your partner's needs. Observe patterns in their complaints or stresses. Think ahead about how to make their life run smoother. Then, selflessly, offer up your time and energy. Fulfilling practical needs is what makes acts of service make people feel loved.
Misconceptions and Challenges of Acts of Service Love Language
The Acts of Service love language often gets plagued by certain misconceptions. For example, some see it as enabling codependency or "servitude." In reality, partners should aim for balance and avoid one-sided dynamics. Others think it reinforces strict gender roles. However, acts of service are meaningful for any relationship regardless of gender. It's also not just about chores; it can include thoughtful gestures like planning a trip for your partner.
Here are some potential pitfalls of the Acts of Service love language to watch out for:
- Enabling laziness or incompetence in the partner receiving the acts. They may become dependent on their partner instead of carrying their own weight.
- The serving partner starts to feel unappreciated, resentful, or burned out over time if efforts go unacknowledged.
- An imbalance develops where one partner takes on the bulk of chores and tasks. This brews resentment.
- The serving partner's constant initiative unintentionally undermines their partner's confidence or sense of competence.
- Comparisons arise if one partner feels their acts of service don't measure up in thoughtfulness or quantity.
- Partners forget to express love through each other’s secondary languages too. Acts become one-sided.
- Guilt-tripping manipulates a partner into performing acts. This corrodes healthy boundaries.
- Struggling partner increases act as overcompensation. This enables deeper issues to go unaddressed.
- Thoughtful acts get replaced by passive aggressive acts or weaponized withholding.
The key is open communication about acts of service and each partner's emotional needs. Ensure efforts are recognized and balanced. Acts should come from a place of care, not obligation. Stay attuned to any creeping toxicity or score-keeping.
Benefits of Acts of Service
Here are some benefits of the Acts of Service love language in relationships, with titled sections and in-text citations:
1. Expresses Care and Support
Doing acts of service for a partner communicates care, love, and nurturing (Chapman, 2015). Actions like cooking meals, drives to the airport, or help with chores shows dedication.
2. Strengthens Attachment
Acts of service foster a secure attachment between partners (Horan & Booth-Butterfield, 2010). Willingly meeting each other's needs promotes dependence and bonding.
3. Enhances Relationship Satisfaction
Partners who reported frequent acts of service in their relationship had higher overall satisfaction (Van den Broucke et al., 1995). Acts of service predict greater happiness.
4. Builds Intimacy and Trust
Thoughtful acts create intimacy and trust between partners (Bell et al., 2011). Service demonstrates follow-through and reliability.
5. Alleviates Burdens
Taking on responsibilities and helping relieve daily stresses is a loving gesture (Horan & Booth-Butterfield, 2010). This sacrifice of time and effort shows investment.
6. Supports Stability
Relationships are stabilized when partners willingly rely on each other for acts of service (Horan & Booth-Butterfield, 2010). Interdependence contributes to longevity.
In summary, acts of service powerfully convey love, commitment, and emotional support between partners when aligned with the recipient's needs (Chapman, 2015). Doing services speaks deeply to this love language.
Modern society often looks down on chivalrous acts as outdated or sexist. But the heart behind it is beautiful—to selflessly serve others and ease their burdens. Finding everyday opportunities to help out fellow humans recaptures that spirit.
Acts of service don't have to be elaborate productions. Simply taking 5 minutes to walk someone else's cart back at the grocery store can make their day. When you change your mindset to notice and serve people, it's amazing how many chances appear. You can rekindle the chivalrous thrill of helping anyone whose path you cross.
If acts of service is your and/or your partner's love language, don't underestimate their impact. Simple, tangible expressions of care can speak straight to the heart. Look for opportunities to take action; jump in and do those unpleasant chores; solve that frustrating problem; and perform those time-consuming tasks. Chip away at their burden and show your dedication through your efforts. Reciprocate acts freely and generously. Let helpful service become the rhythm of your relationship. Embrace action over words as the language of true love!
Disclaimer about the Love Languages
While Dr. Chapman's 5 Love Languages model can provide useful insights, it does not capture the full complexity of human relationships and intimacy. The "languages" are presented as fixed traits, yet in reality, most people appreciate multiple expressions of love to varying degrees. Needs and preferences shift over time as well. Furthermore, struggling couples often need more than just tips on better communication; underlying wounds, attachment injuries, or personal growth issues may require addressing first through counseling or inner work.
The Love Languages should be seen as a helpful starting point for improving mutual understanding, not an absolute taxonomy or predictor of relationship success. The languages tap into real human emotional needs, but expressing care in these ways is not guaranteed to "fill the other's tank" if they have wounds obstructing intimacy. Use the model to inspire insight and self-awareness more than to diagnose your partner. Genuine presence and heart connection transcend any one love language.
At the end of the day, deep relationships are mysteries that call us to show up fully, live compassionately, speak truth, and let go of controlling outcomes. Rather than trying to constantly monitor love languages, aim to meet your partner where they are and appreciate what arises in each moment.
About the Author
Sheravi Mae Galang is a Content Coordinator for the Couply app. Couply was created to help couples improve their relationships. Couply has over 300,000 words of relationship quizzes, questions, couples games, and date ideas and helps over 400,000 people.
Sheravi enjoys wring and is currently studying at the Cebu Institute of Technology - University for her current pursuit of a Master's Degree in Clinical Psychology. You can connect with her through email (sheravimaegalang@gmail.com).
