It's been one of those days - tensions were high, an argument ensued over something small, and now it feels like there's a thick cloud of anger and resentment hanging over the bedroom.
As you angrily fluff your pillow, a tiny voice in your head whispers "Never go to bed angry..." But is that just an unrealistic platitude, or is there something magical about hitting the pause button and revisiting the fight when calmer heads can prevail?
What is the "Never Go to Bed Angry" Rule?
It's a classic relationship mantra: never go to bed angry. For generations, couples have been advised against letting the sun set on their disagreements. The idea is that allowing negativity to linger overnight breeds extra resentment and distancing, putting your connection at risk. Supposedly, forcing yourselves to resolve the argument or at least agree to disagree before sleeping prevents the buildup of unresolved tension and resentment.
But is this age-old wisdom really the key to a harmonious relationship, or just an oversimplified myth that could do more harm than good?
Some people argue that sleeping on it allows each partner to pause, reflect, and gain perspective - setting the stage for a more productive dialogue the next day when defenses aren't so inflamed. However, hitting the hay while still harboring negative emotions could also mean waking up and having to start resolving the issue from a dismayed, annoyed mindset all over again.
So which path should disagreeing couples take when bedtime rolls around? Does the "never go to bed angry" rule help facilitate healthier conflict resolution? Or is sleeping on it sometimes the wisest move? Let's dive into the heated debate around this controversial rule.
What Does Our Couply Community Say About It?
We recently asked our Couply community for their thoughts on handling disagreements before bed, and the responses were quite interesting!
The top result, garnering 43% of the votes, showed that a lot of couples are firm believers in the "never go to bed angry" rule. For them, it's important to hash things out and find a resolution before calling it a night, even if that means some long, tough conversations.
But not everyone felt that way. 35% said they actually prefer to take a break and revisit disagreements once emotions have settled. Their view is that going to bed mad can sometimes help everyone get some space and perspective before reentering the discussion with cooler heads.
And then we had another 22% who feel that settling the mind and getting proper rest should be the priority when disagreements arise close to bedtime. They'd rather sleep on it and sort things out the next day when they're more well-rested.
So as you can see, there's quite a range of perspectives in our community when it comes to this age-old question of arguments and bedtime! Every couple has to figure out what works best for their dynamic.
Let's explore the nuances of this long-standing marital advice to shed some light on the great "never go to bed angry" debate.
Why you should never go to bed angry? (The Pros and Cons)
Going to bed angry or leaving disagreements unresolved is a longstanding relationship debate.
Here are some key pros and cons to consider:
Pros of Never Going to Bed Angry:
1. Resolves issues promptly.
You know that nagging feeling when you let something bug you overnight? By working through disagreements before bed, you can kick those lingering resentments to the curb. Nipping issues in the bud prevent them from blowing up into something way bigger down the line.
2. Reinforces open communication.
Having those tricky conversations, even when you'd rather avoid them, builds major trust between partners. You're showing your willingness to be vulnerable and share what's really on your mind, instead of bottling up feelings that could drive you apart.
3. Allows for vulnerability.
There's something about the intimacy of pillow talk that helps people open up. Maybe it's the quiet darkness, or just feeling cozy and safe together. But airing out deeper emotions can feel easier when you're snuggled up in bed.
4. Promotes unity.
Even if you can't fully resolve the issue, at least you can reaffirm that you're a team before dozing off. Agreeing to disagree, seeing each other's side - that's what keeps you united when conflicts arise.
5. Better sleep.
Have you ever tried to sleep when you're replaying an argument over and over in your head? No thanks! Clearing the air allows you to truly rest and reset for a fresh start in the morning.
Cons of Never Going to Bed Angry:
1. Fatigue breeds poor communication
When you're running on fumes, even a small tiff can quickly turn into an all-out screaming match. Sometimes, your brain just needs to recharge before you can have a productive heart-to-heart.
2. Issues may get amplified at night
For some reason, those nighttime arguments just hit differently. The vulnerability and exhaustion of late nights can cause tempers to flare in ways they might not during the day.
3. Decision fatigue
After making choice after choice all day long, the last thing you want is another tough decision - like how to resolve yet another disagreement. You might give in or blow up just to end the discussion.
4. Ignores cool-down periods
Occasionally, taking a breather is the wisest choice. Sleeping on it allows space for self-reflection before rejoining the conversation with a clearer mind.
5. Oversimplified rule
Not all disagreements can be resolved in one nighttime talk, especially the really complex ones. Some conflicts require multiple check-ins over time to hash out properly.
Why Sleeping On It Can Be the Smarter Move (The Pros and Cons)
Here are some pros and cons of sleeping on it and letting emotions settle before continuing a conflict or disagreement:
Pros of sleeping on it:
1. Cooler heads prevail.
When tempers are flaring, taking a break allows you to calm down so you can discuss things more rationally later on. Intense emotions can lead to saying or doing things you regret.
2. Gets some perspective.
Sleeping on it gives you both physical and mental distance from the heated situation. You may wake up with a fresh outlook that helps you see the disagreement from a new angle.
3. Start over refreshed.
A good night's sleep can quite literally help you wake up and reset. You'll feel recharged to revisit the issue in a more productive mindset.
4. Prevents escalation.
Arguments that carry on late into the night when you're exhausted often escalate beyond what they need to. Putting it on pause can stop things from spiraling out of control.
5. Gives you editing rights.
Rather than blurting out the first thing that comes to mind in the heat of the moment, sleeping on it allows you to carefully choose your words.
Cons of sleeping on it:
1. Leaves negative feelings hanging.
For some, going to bed angry or resentful without resolving can make it harder to let go and move on.
2. Overthinking risks.
While perspective is good, ruminating all night can potentially make mountains out of molehills.
3. Delaying the inevitable.
If the core issue requires an immediate decision or resolution, sleeping on it just postpones getting there.
4. Loss of vulnerability.
That late-night vulnerability when conflicts first arise may dissipate if you wait until morning to address it.
5. Resentment lingers.
Depending on the severity, avoiding the conversation could allow lingering resentment or bitterness to fester overnight.
Ultimately, taking a pause or pushing through depends on your specific situation and what stage you're at in working through a disagreement. The key is ensuring you're both operating from a place of openness and willingness to resolve things eventually.
The Science of Sleep and Conflict: Does sleep help process emotions?
You know how you just feel grumpier and more easily irritated when you're running on little sleep? There's actually some pretty cool science behind that!
See, sleep plays a huge role in keeping our emotions in check and our moods stable. When we're well-rested, it's easier to manage strong negative feelings like anger, sadness, or frustration. But when we're sleep-deprived, all those emotions get amplified and feel way more intense.
It's kind of like how hangry is a real thing, you know? When you're overtired and haven't slept properly, you've got way less patience and tend to snap more easily over little things that wouldn't normally bother you.
That's because sleep actually helps our brains process and regulate our emotions in a healthy way. So you can see why being sleep-deprived makes conflicts way harder to resolve rationally and calmly.
That's why getting good quality sleep is so important for both partners. If one of you is well-rested but the other is a grouch from tossing and turning, you're not going to be on an even playing field for handling disagreements.
The goal should be making sure you've both had enough quality sleep fuel in the tank. That way you can actually hear each other out clearly instead of just reacting emotionally. A rested mind is a problem-solving mind when it comes to working through conflicts!
When it comes to the "never go to bed angry" decree, there's no definitive answer that fits every couple. Like any relationship advice, it's less about following rigid rules and more about open communication, mutual understanding, and adapting to each other's needs and love languages at that moment.
Some nights may call for a heart-to-heart discussion before bed to clear the air. Other times, taking space and revisiting the issue after a night's sleep is the wisest move. The key is having the self-awareness to recognize which approach serves you both best in any given situation.
So feel free to ditch rigid adherence to this rule in favor of flexibility and wisdom. As long as you're consistently working through conflicts with vulnerability and a united spirit, your bedtime ritual for disagreements can evolve. Because at the end of the day, the magic happens when two people commit to truly understanding each other.
About the Author
Sheravi Mae Galang is a Content Coordinator for the Couply app. Couply was created to help couples improve their relationships. Couply has over 300,000 words of relationship quizzes, questions, couples games, and date ideas and helps over 400,000 people. You can connect with her through email here.
