We’ve all been there before.
You’re sitting across from your partner at the dinner table, both absorbed in your phones, with little to no conversation passing between you. Or you realize it’s been weeks since you and your spouse have had a meaningful conversation about anything other than household logistics and kids’ schedules. The emotional and mental distance between you feels vast, even if physically you are still sharing a life.
While intimacy often brings to mind physical closeness, deep intimacy goes far beyond that. True intimacy is about connecting on a psychological, emotional, and spiritual plane by building understanding, empathy, and trust with our partner. It involves feeling known, seen, accepted, and supported.
The good news is that the key to fostering greater intimacy in your relationship is surprisingly simple: ask more questions.
By asking thoughtful, open-ended questions, we invite our partners to share, open up, and be vulnerable with us. This questioning catalyzes conversations that uncover our partner’s inner thoughts, feelings, dreams, fears, and needs. In turn, intimacy naturally blossoms through this mutual understanding, caring, and validation that happens. Ultimately, consistently asking questions rather than making assumptions is the path to nurturing that deep connection we all crave in our most important relationships.
Beyond Surface-Level Chats
We’ve all engaged in those superficial conversations about mundane topics like the weather or what’s for dinner. While this sort of small talk has its time and place, it often leaves us feeling emotionally distant and unable to gain real insight into our partner’s inner world.
Researchers have found that when couples get stuck in habitual surface-level conversations, both partners report lower relationship satisfaction and less perceived partner responsiveness to emotional needs.
Superficial relationships lack emotional depth, vulnerability, and genuine emotional investment. In contrast, asking thoughtful follow-up questions encourages your partner to open up, share meaningfully, and be vulnerable with you.
When you ask how your spouse is feeling about an upcoming work presentation rather than just the logistics of it, it shows your desire to understand their emotional experience. When you ask your girlfriend what her dreams are for the future rather than just her weekend plans, it communicates care for who she is beneath the surface. This questioning creates space for authentic self-expression, emotional attunement, and supportiveness that were lacking during those shallow, small talks.
The magic happens when both people reciprocate by asking and answering deeper questions ✨ This builds the mutual understanding and care that lie at the very heart of intimacy.
Understanding Each Other’s Worlds
Asking genuine questions and actively listening to our partner’s responses allows us to better understand their inner world—how they think, feel, and see things.
Researchers have found that perspective-taking is pivotal for empathy, intimacy, and relationship satisfaction.
When partners make the effort to see situations through each other’s eyes rather than relying on assumptions, they feel more understood and cared for.
Thoughtful questioning opens a window for us to take on our partner's perspective. Asking something as simple as “What was the highlight and lowlight of your day?” provides insight into the emotional landscape of their everyday lived experiences. More vulnerable questions like “What’s your biggest insecurity in our relationship?” invite them to confide their struggles on a deeper level. When you ask from a place of care and listen without judgment, your partner will feel safe opening up.
You think back to when you asked your spouse, “How did you feel when I forgot our anniversary last month?”. Though difficult, you gained a meaningful perspective on the hurt it caused them and how to make it up to them. Now you both make an effort to uncover each other's joys and pains to nurture empathy.
Building Trust and Security
Asking thoughtful questions conveys genuine curiosity and care for your partner's inner world.
Researchers have found that active communication characterized by interest and inquiries predicts stronger feelings of trust and attachment security between partners.
It shows you prioritize truly knowing them, making them feel valued in the relationship.
You think back to an instance where you and your spouse were sitting across from each other at the kitchen counter, going back and forth about whose turn it was to drive the kids to soccer practice the next day. While the coordination was necessary, 15 minutes had gone by without you exchanging anything meaningful about inner thoughts or feelings. Later, when you asked “So how are you feeling about potentially getting promoted at work?” you saw your partner's eyes light up pouring over hopes and worries. You were reminded of how lifeless your factual daily chatter tends to feel compared to real vulnerable sharing between you.
Questions like “What are you most stressed about lately, and how can I help?” demonstrate your desire to support them through challenges. Asking, “Are you comfortable opening up about your family?” before diving into sensitive topics creates a judgement-free atmosphere for vulnerable disclosure. These types of caring questions foster emotional safety—the trust that you have their best interests at heart.
Partners who actively engage through question-asking know more about each other's needs. This builds confidence in the relationship by reinforcing your compassion and reliability when times get hard. Simply by inquiring openly and listening attentively, you lay the groundwork for trust, attachment security, and mutual understanding between you and your partner.
Keeping the Spark Alive
Remember back to when you and your partner first started dating? You probably spent countless hours in passionate conversation, asking each other anything and everything to learn more. But for many couples, this curiosity and questioning peters out over time. As you get comfortable and caught up in routines, you can start to lose novelty, mystery, and fun in relating to your once-new partner.
Asking playful, creative questions injects novelty that keeps your emotional bonds thriving.
As relationship researcher Dr. Gary Lewandowski explains, “The minute we think we know everything there is to know about our partner, our relationship is likely in trouble.”
You likely experienced this in your own relationship. After the excitement of your courtship period faded, you and your partner slipped into a polite routine of conversations about your days and recounting facts about your jobs or your kids' activities. But the magic returned when you started asking each other playful, unexpected questions before bed - "If you could travel anywhere in the world tomorrow, where would you go?" or "What's one of your favorite memories from our relationship?". Suddenly you were giggling together like teenagers, rediscovering surprises about each other, dreaming up adventures, and sparking those feelings of new love all over again.
Keeping an explorer’s mindset through ongoing questioning is key to nurturing passion.
Keep the spark of curiosity alive by posing fun, even silly questions: “If you could have any superpower, what would it be and why?” or “What’s something I don’t know about you that would surprise me?”. Flirty questions like “What do you find sexiest about me?” stimulate positive emotions. Exciting new discoveries reignite that dynamic chemistry that first drew you to each other. (Check more questions like these on our blog or the Couply app!)
So rekindle the magic of those early days - ask away, listen closely to the answers, and let yourself be continually surprised and intrigued by your partner.
Overcoming Communication Barriers
For some individuals - particularly those on the quieter, less communicative side - the idea of probing with intimate questions can feel awkward or clumsy. Many of us have barriers around vulnerability that inhibit asking overt questions. Partners may also struggle to move past superficial small talk to ask meaningful questions that require some courage and openness.
If questioning doesn't come naturally, begin formulating open-ended questions in your head or writing them down ahead of time. "What are your favorite memories from childhood?" or "How has your relationship with your mom changed over time?" are jumping-off points to inspired conversation. Prepare some follow-up questions based on likely responses to keep things flowing.
Equally important is actively listening without judgement, and giving your partner soothing assurances if nervousness strikes. Refrain from looking at phones or other distractions. Make eye contact and engage fully. With practice, you'll both ease into a style of reciprocal questioning and sharing that feels genuine.
For those who find communication especially challenging, seeking help is a valid avenue for strengthening your bonds. A counselor can teach valuable skills for overcoming barriers through questioning. At the end of the day, remind yourself that the awkwardness is infinitely worth the greater intimacy you'll build.
Intimacy comes down to truly knowing your partner and feeling deeply known by them. As we've explored, tapping into the power of thoughtful questioning is the key that unlocks doors to greater intimacy. Asking open, honest questions demonstrates care, builds trust, nurtures empathy, and sparks novelty and passion. While barriers like awkwardness may initially inhibit questioning, the rewards of discovering each other on a deeper plane reignite your connection.
As you move forward, challenge yourself to transform your daily conversations. Put down your devices, look each other in the eyes, and share from that curious, compassionate place inside you. Instead of discussing schedules and logistics, ask about hopes, dreams, and childhood memories not yet revealed. See your relationship with fresh eyes, alive with possibility.
I’ve learned that carving out time for curious questions keeps our connection alive, whether during stolen moments snuggled in bed or taking a purposeful weekly date night. Questions like “What was your childhood dream job?” or “Do you feel fulfilled with how we’re raising the kids?” never fail to unveil surprising insights that will surely make you fall in love all over again.
Though intimacy may ebb and flow, your relationship can flourish into one that provides a safe haven of care, self-discovery, and mutual support for decades to come through this simple but profound commitment to questions. Have the courage to reach out with an explorer's heart, listen with caring ears, and let the answers you discover draw you closer than ever before.
While barriers like awkwardness or vulnerability may initially inhibit questioning, I encourage you to lean into the discomfort for the sake of deeper rewards. If you have trouble piecing the right words together, keep a list of open-ended questions on your phone for inspiration when the conversation lulls. If shame or insecurity arises, offer reassurances about your desire to truly see and know them before probing sensitive topics.
You can utilize Couply with this journey. Couply is the app for couples. Couply has features like daily check-ins, personality quizzes, couples questions, and games to help you to spark conversation and understand your partner better and also offers date ideas, gift suggestions, and relationship advice all based on your partner's personality and many more.
About the Author
Sheravi Mae Galang is a Content Coordinator for the Couply app. Couply was created to help couples improve their relationships. Couply has over 300,000 words of relationship quizzes, questions, couples games, and date ideas and helps over 400,000 people.
Sheravi enjoys writing and is currently studying at the Cebu Institute of Technology - University for her current pursuit of a Master's Degree in Clinical Psychology. You can connect with her through email here.
