It started out so well. You felt like you had met your soulmate—someone who just got you. They made you feel seen and understood in a way no one else ever had. The relationship moved fast, but it felt right. You told yourself you were just lucky to have found the one so quickly. All your friends were amazed at how happy you two seemed.

But then little things started to shift. It was subtle at first. A casually controlling comment here, an irrational overreaction there. You brushed it off—all couples have their moments, right? Still, an uneasiness began brewing inside you that was difficult to ignore.

We all want to give our partners the benefit of the doubt. But the truth is, manipulation in relationships is fairly common - much more so than you probably realize. It can sneak into even the healthiest of bonds, slowly undermining the trust and affection that once came so effortlessly.

The fact is, we all have manipulative tendencies lurking within us - it's part of human nature. But some consciously wield manipulation as a tool to get what they want or gain a sense of control. If you're noticing that your interactions have started leaving you feeling confused, guilty, or pressured into things, your gut may be picking up on subtle red flags.

So how do you discern normal ups and downs from more toxic manipulation tactics? The signs can seem ambiguous initially. But being able to recognize these underhanded behaviors is the first step to mitigating their damage and reclaiming your self-confidence and inner peace.

This guide will reveal the most common warning signs of manipulation in intimate relationships. Consider it a starting point to tune into your intuition, stand up for your boundaries, and evaluate whether this is someone you can healthfully be with.

Here are some of the most common signs of manipulation in relationships:

1. Masked as Love: Guilt-tripping

Guilt is a powerful emotion and one of the slipperiest manipulation techniques used by manipulative partners that disguises as care and love. By making you feel ashamed or obligated to meet their demands, they coerce you into compliance without regard for your true needs or boundaries. By making you feel ashamed to disappoint them, they coerce you into compliance. Don't let false obligations cloud your boundaries.

For example, your partner may say things like:

"If you really loved me, you'd..."

"It hurts me when you..."

"After all I've done for you, you can't..."

"Do you even love me anymore? I've been trying so hard and no matter what I do, it's just not good enough for you..."

"But I've worked so hard this year to give you everything you could ask for. I guess what I provide still isn't enough."

"I guess if spending time with me isn't important to you anymore..."

But real love doesn’t require guilt trips or emotional blackmail. It thrives through mutual care, respect, and healthy communication. Partners focused on control will use guilt and “favor calling” to disguise manipulation, preying on your good intentions. Don’t let shame or a sense of false indebtedness keep you entangled. Honor your needs - you deserve to make choices freely in an uplifting relationship.

Other situations include:

• Making you feel like you constantly owe them or need to make up for supposed wrongdoings
• Sulking, withdrawing affection, or giving you the silent treatment when you don't give in to their demands
• Blaming you for their emotional distress or for "forcing" them to act in certain ways
• Saying things like "look what you made me do" to make you feel responsible for their poor behavior
• Recalling past mistakes you've made that you've already apologized for as ammunition when asking for something
• Making grand gestures or empty promises of change only when they want something from you

Statements like these deliberately make you feel guilty and as if you have to "earn" your partner's love and approval. There may even be tears or sulking to up the ante and make conspicuous sacrifices or exaggerating one's own suffering to make you feel indebted and obligated known as the Martyr Complex.

They could give you a false dilemma by presenting only two options when there are actually multiple choices available.

Your partner is playing on your empathy to get what they want through emotional manipulation, not caring connection. Healthy relationships are based on mutual trust and respect, not manipulation.

2. Two-Faced Behavior: Public vs. Private Personas

Another potential clue is if your partner acts like a totally different person around other people than when you two are alone. Nothing raises red flags faster than a partner acting like a saint in public but a devil in private. Consistency reveals integrity. If you're getting two starkly different versions of someone, trust their hidden actions.

Charming and sweet in public; cutting remarks when no one is looking. This is impression management, a tactic used to manage impressions and avoid accountability.

You may struggle to reconcile their public persona with their private treatment of you. But this degree of acting is unsustainable; their true colors will eventually surface.

For example:

• In public, your partner may be very affectionate, always holding your hand, kissing you, and telling you how much they love you in front of friends and family. But at home behind closed doors, they act cold, ignore you, and barely give you any affection unless they want something.
• Your partner presents themselves as a pillar of the community - a devoted coach, volunteering at charities, mentoring younger people at work. Everyone thinks they are patient, kind and giving. But in private moments with you, they rage over minor frustrations, yell about slow service staff, and rarely show empathy for what you're going through.
• At parties and social events, your partner brags about you, your accomplishments, and how proud they are to be with you. But during disagreements, they insult your intelligence, tear down your goals, and compare you unfavorably to exes or other people.
• In public your partner acts supportive of your dreams and ambitions, but during serious talks about career moves or going back to school, they list all the reasons why you shouldn't pursue those paths, crushing your confidence.

The dramatic mismatch between your partner's public persona and private treatment of you can feel crazy-making. You may start to wonder if you're being too sensitive until you realize the charm and kindness is often just for show. ‍Watch how your date or spouse treats others, especially those "beneath" them like waitstaff. It offers windows into their values. Pay attention to any hypocrisy; actions speak louder than words. You deserve consistency.

While everyone presents themselves differently in various contexts, healthy individuals demonstrate consistency in how they treat others, regardless of witnesses.

3. Eroding Your Reality: Gaslighting

Gaslighters systematically distort truths through denial, misdirection, contradiction, and deception to destabilize your confidence in your own perceptions, memories, and sanity. By presenting an alternate version of reality, they get you questioning what you know to be true based on your lived experiences. This allows them to evade accountability and maintain control.

But no amount of arguing, manipulation, or persuasion can override your inner wisdom if you listen closely. ‍

What you know, you know. If your gut is telling you that something feels "off" about how your partner is framing events or making you question your reality, believe in yourself over their manipulated narratives.

However, gaslighting can also be more subtle.

For instance:

• During an argument, your partner starts raising their voice and puts their fist through a wall. When you try to address this violent behavior later, they deny it ever happened or say "You're exaggerating. I just tapped the wall." But you clearly remember the hole.
• You come home from work upset because your boss unfairly blamed you for a mistake you didn't make. But when you try to vent about it, your partner insists you must have done something wrong or misinterpreted the situation, making you question your perception.
• Your mutual friend mentions an insulting comment your partner made about your cooking. When you ask your partner about it, they deny ever saying that. Yet your friend has no reason to lie. Somehow you end up being gaslit into thinking you misremembered.

This can make you start second-guessing yourself as your partner authority erodes your confidence in your own memory and perceptions. Toxic people use this covert tactic to dodge accountability and condition you to tolerate mistreatment.

Stay grounded in facts. Document incidents when possible to combat memory erosion. Seek outside perspectives to reality-check. Gaslighting only has power when you doubt your version of the truth. By recognizing these tactics, you can reclaim your narrative and reject false realities. Trust in your sanity and perceptions.

4. Meaningless Apologies

Hollow apologies allow manipulators to fake remorse without changing behaviors. A genuine apology requires: owning the offending behavior, demonstrating understanding of your perspective, expressing authentic regret, and outlining concrete actions to avoid repeat offenses.

Empty apologies like "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "I promise I won't do it again" (yet the behavior continues) are diversionary tactics, not meaningful accountability. Like they're saying what you want to hear just to smooth things over in the moment.

Sincere apologies involve ownership of one's impact, empathy for your experience, and taking concrete steps to avoid repeat offenses. Meaningless apologies are about managing you, not making things right.

After a fight, a sincere apology involves:

• Owning the offending behavior
• Communicating understanding of your perspective
• Expressing genuine remorse
• Outlining concrete actions to avoid repeat offenses

But manipulative partners may issue empty apologies just to smooth things over, like:

• "I'm sorry you felt that way." This suggests you just overreacted vs. taking responsibility.
• "I apologize for whatever I did that upset you." No specificity on the actual issue.
• "I'm sorry, but you know I only want what's best for you." Still making it about their good intent.
• "Let's just move on and forget this happened." No meaningful accountability.
• "I promise I won't do it again." Yet the behavior continues without change.
• "I'm sorry, but..." Minimizing the offense or making excuses.

These superficial apologies allow them to fake remorse without actual improvement. They deflect responsibility and quickly revert back to the status quo.

True change only happens through discomfort and effort. If apologies feel empty while the cycles of problems persist, beware. You deserve someone who cares about impact, not just image.

Non-apologies after frequent fights are a sign your partner cares more about controlling the narrative than nurturing a loving bond. Their motive is preserving their power, not earning redemption through improved behavior.

So, unless apologies are supported by improved actions over the long-term, they are often just damage control to enable future harms in the relationship. Don't fall for superficial apologies given your reasonable expectations of equitable treatment aren't being met. Demand change through actions, not empty words.

5. Hypocrisy/Double standards

"Do as I say, not as I do" is the mantra of manipulative hypocrites. They hold you to standards and expectations that they themselves don't meet, creating a power imbalance. What they condemn in you is acceptable for them, be it lying, controlling behaviors, disrespect, or other conduct.

True partners hold themselves accountable to the same standards. Hypocrisy erodes relationship equity and enables mistreatment masked as moral authority.

Don't buy into the false narrative that their violations are justified while yours are unacceptable. Demand consistency and mutual respect. Unless equal standards apply to both of you, lies and manipulation are likely at play. Value your needs and boundaries as much as theirs.

Examples include:

• They may demand access to your phone, emails, and location at all times to "build trust," while guarding their own privacy without compromise. They track your time down to the minute but can't be bothered to keep plans with you. They will refuse to give you the password to their devices and gets defensive if you ask.

• They interrogate you about who you were with and what you were doing if you come home late, but regularly stay out all night without telling you where they are.
• They criticize your driving and demand you stay under the speed limit at all times, but then speed, tailgate, and weave through traffic when they drive.
• They meticulously track shared expenses and demand you pay them back anytime they front money, but conveniently "lose" receipts or "forget" about things you paid for.
• They belittle your taste in movies, TV shows, or music, but get extremely defensive if you criticize their entertainment preferences.
• They are allowed to hang out with certain friends you don't like, but forbid you from seeing friends they consider "bad influences."
• They scrutinize your spending on clothes or hobby supplies, yet make extravagant purchases for themselves without consulting you.
• They demand home-cooked meals every night, but frequently eat fast food or take-out on their own time.

This double standard reveals the rules aren't based on any moral ideology or integrity - just a means of controlling you.

Again, this double standard signals an alarming power imbalance. Truly healthy relationships are founded on reciprocity, compromise, and mutual respect. Both partners feel heard, valued, and cared for.

6. Negging: Criticism Disguised as "Helping"

Does your partner frequently criticize your goals, interests, or values under the guise of "just trying to help"? Recommending better uses of your time, talents, or money Backhanded complements undermine confidence to keep partners seeking validation. But true supporters empower growth through encouragement, not veiled criticism.

Veiled putdowns and backhanded compliments are a hallmark of manipulators who seek to undermine your self-esteem as a means of control. Known as "negging", this tactic disguises criticism as caring feedback meant to motivate you to improve yourself and seek their validation.

Examples include:

• You get a promotion at work. But instead of celebrating, your partner points out how the new role seems like a lot of extra responsibility you may not be ready for.
• You proudly announce you got into your top choice graduate program. But your partner warns you that field is really competitive and they've heard the program has a high dropout rate.
• You change your hair and are excited about your new look. But your partner tilts their head, frowns, and says you looked better before even though all your friends complimented it.
• You make a home-cooked meal for a dinner party. But your partner tries the dish and asks if you're sure you followed the recipe right - saying it could use more seasoning/cooking.
• You wear a new outfit you love and feel confident in. But your partner tells you they're not sure that style is flattering on you and suggests other options that would hide problem areas.
• You share good news about getting a raise, and your partner reminds you not to get too excited because taxes will take a big chunk of it.

Whose interests are really being served here? Sometimes guidance from those who care for us can be insightful. But constant criticism instead of uplifting support reveals an attempt to mold you into who your partner wants you to be.

The consistent negative focus reveals an attempt to erode your confidence, not sincerely help you grow. Real supporters empower you through encouragement and highlighting strengths, not an endless stream of "constructive criticism."

Partners who truly care build you up, not put you down. Negging creates doubts so you constantly chase their approval. Reject this conditioning by owning your worth beyond their narrowed perspective. Surround yourself with people who recognize your light, not those who try to dim it under the guise of "helping."

In healthy relationships, you feel empowered to pursue your passions. Your partner cares about your happiness, not bending you to their will.

7. You're mine only: Possessiveness

Does your partner refer to you as "mine" or "my property"? Or that you "belong" to them? This language seems intimate but reveals a possessive, objectifying mindset.

Being cared for deeply is a universal longing. But possessive partners take it to harmful extremes by treating you like an object they own and control. But relationships shouldn't limit freedom. Declarations that “you belong to me” or isolating you from outside relationships reveal entitlement, not healthy passion. Reclaim your autonomy.

You are your own person, not something to own. Watch for other subtle signs of control as well, like:

• Your partner refers to you as "my property" or says things like "You belong to me." This implies you are an object they own and control.
• They get jealous and accuse you of flirting if you laugh or talk with another person in public. They see others as threats to what belongs to them.
• They demand to know where you are and who you're with at all times. They may also show up unannounced to check on you.
• They isolate you from family and friends, either overtly forbidding contact, or making jealous scenes before/after visits to discourage you from going.
• They insist on reading your private messages and emails to make sure you're not hiding anything from them or talking to exes.
• They want access to your social media accounts and to post images projecting the relationship is perfect.
• They don't like you going places without them and insist on being included in activities, not because they're interested, but because they're possessive.
• They play mind games with flirtation/silence to provoke jealousy and reinforce that you "need" them.
• They treat you more like a prized object than an equal partner. Your life is meant to revolve around them.

Possessiveness disguises control as passion. But true love recognizes autonomy. You are not "owned" in healthy relationships. Your partner should build you up, not lock you down.

So, if your partner leverages your care for them to dominate your choices, redirect the dynamic towards mutual liberation. Reclaim your independence. Set boundaries around manipulation disguised as proof of love. A relationship should expand your world, not shrink it.

8. You Owe Me: Scorekeeping

Nothing deteriorates a relationship faster than keeping score. If you have seen How I Met Your Mother, Marshall and Lily ultimately learned the importance of not keeping score in a relationship.

Partners use scorekeeping to demand recompense for perceived sacrifices. By making you feel beholden to them, they coerce compliance. But true devotion stems from uplifting one another without strings or leverage.

They may say "After all I've done for you, the least you can do is..." Out of obligation, you end up going along with things you resent.

Other examples include:

• Your partner brings up favors from long ago and says things like "Remember when I helped you move last year? You owe me one." They use past support as leverage when asking for new things.
• They keep precise track of who paid for what on dates, trips, or joint expenses. They frequently tally up balances and demand that you "even things out" - even over small amounts.
• If you have to decline attending an event due to other plans, they guilt trip you by saying "But I went to your work holiday party last month when I didn't want to. You have to come to this."
• If you ask them for help around the house, they begrudgingly agree but then later use it against you. "I already helped you clean the other day, so you're on your own with dinner tonight."
• They meticulously count and compare who initiates contact more via texting or calling. They then claim you need to double text them next time since they reached out last.
• When making sacrifices for the relationship, they hold it over your head later as leverage. "I turned down that job offer to stay closer to you, so now you need to..."
• When they wrong you in some way, they minimize the offense by citing their past positive actions. "But I took care of you when you were sick last month, so can't you just let this go?"
• They view emotional intimacy transitionally - giving affection strategically when they want something, keeping score of who "owes" who.

Scorekeeping erodes equity when one partner feels owed. Reject scorecards in your relationships. True partners give freely without expecting direct reciprocation. Support your partners out of care, not conditions. And never let guilt over gifting obligate you. Equity requires selfless giving from both sides. Only then can the bond flourish based on mutual care, not ongoing repayment.

Make sure you're with someone who puts the relationship before petty points.

9. Hostage Negotiations: Threats and Ultimatums

Manipulators make demands and issue ultimatums. They may threaten to end the relationship or withhold intimacy if you don't comply. Whether spoken or unspoken, the message is clear: give me what I want or there will be consequences.

Ultimatums reveal someone valuing power over connection. Rather than coercion, choose negotiation. If your objections are met with aggression, reflect on whether this dynamic is safe long-term. While compromise requires effort, threats signal the end. Stay true to your needs, even if that means walking away.

When someone forces your compliance using threats like "it's either me or your friends" or "agree to this or we're through", stand firm rather than concede control. Good partners may articulate deal breakers, but not direct orders backed by fear and blackmail.

Watch out for these situations:

• Your partner threatens to break up with you if you don't comply with their demands - "If you really loved me, you would..."
• They give you an ultimatum like "It's either me or your friends" to sever your support system.
• When arguing, they threaten drastic consequences like "If you walk away right now, we're done!".
• They warn that if you don't agree to their timeline for marriage/kids, the relationship has no future.
• They might threaten self-harm or suicide if you attempt to leave the relationship.
• They may withhold physical intimacy or give you the silent treatment until you conform to their wishes.
• When you make alternate social plans, they threaten not to be available when you want to reschedule couple time.
• They demand you choose between your job/dreams and the relationship, framing it as the only options.
• When you disagree with their rules or boundaries, they give you a "take it or leave it" ultimatum.

Real love doesn't threaten consequences to force compliance with demands. Partners compromise, they don't coerce. Manipulators use fear, uncertainty, and coercion rather than compromise. Remember to just walk away rather than give in. It's perfectly reasonable to have deal breakers and boundaries in a relationship. Healthy partners can discuss these using open, honest communication and compromise.

True partnerships allow room for mutual growth and negotiation. You deserve to make choices freely.

10. Privacy? What's That?: Keeping Tabs on You

Trust is essential in a relationship, but too much monitoring suggests insecurity and controlling tendencies.

No one likes feeling smothered. But controlling partners act entitled to know where you are and what you're doing 24/7. They may read your texts, emails, and social media messages without permission.

You have no privacy anymore as they surveil your every move. It leaves you constantly on edge, walking on eggshells, and unable to relax fully in your own home.

Partners who constantly check your phone, track your location, or interrogate your activity are acting from a place of possession, not care. You deserve room to breathe without scrutiny. A loving partner respects your need for independence within the relationship. A healthy relationship require trust in each other's autonomy. Demand your privacy.

Repeated boundary violations around privacy and autonomy constitute emotional abuse. This monitoring is dehumanizing - a violation of your basic rights.

Some examples include:

• Your partner demands access to your phone and frequently checks it without permission. They may even install tracking apps without your knowledge.
• They show up unexpectedly to check on you or have their friends drop by. When confronted, they say they were "just in the neighborhood."
• They monitor your social media activity closely and interrogate you about any new friends or followers. They may demand your passwords.
• They eavesdrop on your conversations and read emails or notes left out without asking, invading your personal correspondence.
• They question you closely about your whereabouts, wanting details about who you were with and what you did, not just general updates.
• They scope out your spending by checking bank and credit card statements. Any unfamiliar charges are treated as evidence of lying or cheating.
• They search your car, pockets or bags for receipts or notes, not respecting personal space and belongings.
• They insist that you keep your location sharing on at all times so they know where you are.
• They get upset if you ever turn your phone off or are unreachable, even during reasonable times like work or sleep.
• They treat your desire for any privacy as suspicious and unacceptable. You feel invaded and unable to relax.

Don't tolerate persistent jealousy, surveillance, and smothering. Establish technology use and privacy expectations early on, and stick to them. Transparency is healthy, but forced transparency is entitlement. Allow each other space to be individuals outside the relationship. Trust stems from mutual freedom.

Healthy partners respect personal autonomy and space. Constant monitoring suggests a lack of trust and controlling tendencies. You deserve room to breathe without scrutiny. Healthy relationships involve trust as well as independence. Make sure your boundaries are being respected.

11. Aggressive Tone: Short Fuse

Anger issues or hostility in a relationship reveal impaired conflict resolution skills and lack of empathy. Even without outright abuse, manipulators often rely on intimidation tactics and emotional volatility to maintain control.

Anger issues are a luminous red flag. Yelling, put-downs, threats, throwing things...violence of any kind has no place in a loving relationship.

When your partner frequently blows up or talks to you abrasively over minor issues, it signals they value dominance over understanding. Short fuses keep you walking on eggshells to avoid confrontation.

Yet even without outright abuse, manipulators often respond to challenges with an aggressive tone that asserts dominance and control. Their short fuse leaves you anxious and unwilling to rock the boat.

Examples include:

• Your partner reacts with immediate anger or defensiveness when you try to have a calm discussion about an issue. They act outraged that you would even bring it up.
• When you don't respond exactly how they want in an argument, they escalate quickly to yelling, throwing things, or punching walls. Their temper is hair-trigger.
• Small annoyances provoke an aggressive reaction from them, like cursing or insults. Their tone frequently comes across as contemptuous over minor issues.
• Rather than engage in productive conflict resolution, they get hostile and abusive when challenged. Verbal attacks replace logic and reasoning.
• They have a mean streak and take their frustrations out on you. Sarcastic remarks, put-downs, and unfair comparisons are common.
• When you don't immediately comply with their demands, they turn cruel, applying emotional pressure through anger and intimidation.
• Even when you aren't fighting, their baseline way of communicating comes across as abrasive and tense rather than calm and empathetic.
• They don't take responsibility for their anger issues. Losing their temper is always framed as a reasonable reaction to your provocation.
• They may use intimidation to condition you to avoid certain subjects and walk on eggshells to avoid blow ups.

Manipulators use anger and volatility to maintain control through fear rather than compromise. Partners should help each other manage frustrations productively, not take them out on you. You deserve to feel safe being vulnerable, not fearful of their temper. An aggressive tone that leaves you anxious is cause for concern.

Consider if this dynamic is safe or sustainable long-term or risks escalation. Your well-being comes first, even if that means setting firmer boundaries or leaving.

Healthy partners can have heated discussions but ultimately value mutual understanding.

12. Nothing is Ever Enough: Moving Goalposts

Perfectionists and manipulators have one thing in common - impossible standards designed to ensure you always fall short in their eyes. No-win scenario. No matter how hard you try, it's just never good enough for them. Impossible standards set you up for failure while ensuring their superiority. By constantly moving the goalposts for what counts as success, they reinforce a sense of perpetual inadequacy to cement their superiority.

This rigged game erodes self-esteem and keeps you trapped in an endless chase for validation.

For instance:

• You make a requested change, but then your partner finds new faults and demands further adjustments. Their standards keep shifting.
• No matter how much effort you put in, your partner always claims you could be doing more. You feel exhausted trying to please them.
• They set perfectionistic benchmarks for your appearance, achievements, or behavior that are impossible to fully meet. You always fall short.
• When you do succeed at something, they dismiss it quickly and move on to something else you now need to improve.
• They compare you negatively to others as motivation for you to keep striving endlessly.
• Just when you feel like you’ve reached a point of acceptance, they introduce new criticisms designed to keep you seeking their validation.
• They undermine your confidence by suggesting you shouldn’t be satisfied with mediocrity whenever you are content.
• They intentionally keep expectations vague so you can’t ever fully accomplish them. There’s always something else you should do.
• Goalposts shift depending on their mood. What pleased them yesterday now warrants blame without a clear reason why.
• No success or effort is ever celebrated for long before the focus turns to the next demand.

Control freaks set you up for failure with impossible standards. In healthy relationships, reasonable expectations are clearly communicated and both partners feel appreciated for their efforts. You deserve to feel proud of your progress.

True partners empower your progress by meeting you where you are and encouraging small wins. If you feel exhausted trying to please someone who always finds faults, reflect on whether they genuinely want what's best for you. Your growth journey should feel supported, not defeating. Demand room to appreciate your real achievements on your own terms.

13. Political Posturing: Turning the Tables

When manipulators are confronted with accountability, they default to political posturing to avoid taking responsibility. Known as DARVO, they will Deny wrongdoing, Attack the accuser, and Reverse Victim and Offender roles. This diversionary tactic leads to confusion and second-guessing, allowing them to reject fault and maintain control of the narrative.

But standing firm in your truth and lived experience is the only response needed to counter these deflections. Simply because someone insists "that never happened" or claims you are the abuser does not negate the reality of what you felt and know to be true. Do not let them distort facts and discard your needs under the guise of righteous indignation.

When you attempt to bring up an issue in the relationship, they adamantly deny any wrongdoing.

More examples like:

• When confronted about harmful behavior, they adamantly deny it ever occurred or accuse you of misremembering.
• They attack your character and turn themselves into the victim. "I can't believe you would accuse me of that. Do you even know who I am?"
• They claim you are the abuser and they are just defending themselves from your irrational attacks.
• They say your reactions are way overblown and you're being too sensitive over nothing.
• They insist any relationship issues are your fault based on your actions, not theirs.
• They say you're misunderstanding their perfectly reasonable words/actions based on your own distortions.
• They trivialize and ridicule your lived experiences rather than address them with empathy.
• They outright lie about past events to avoid taking responsibility, muddying the factual record.
• They accuse you of setting impossible standards if you challenge their behavior or expectations at all.
• Their reflex is always to deny, counterattack, turn blame back on you, and reverse victim-offender roles.

Each time you try to have an honest conversation about problems, you're made out to be the unreasonable one. This undermines your ability to advocate for your needs in the relationship. Don't second guess yourself - you know when something feels wrong or harmful. Trust that.

By recognizing common political posturing tactics like denial, distortion, and blame shifting, you can see them for what they are - fear-based manipulation. Maintain your clarity and convictions. The truth will prevail as long as you own your voice.

14. Maybe yes, maybe no: Intermittent reinforcement

We've all heard the old adage "You don't know what you've got until it's gone." Manipulative partners use this truth to their advantage through a tactic known as intermittent reinforcement.

Like a slot machine that keeps you addicted through unpredictable rewards, manipulators engage in hot-and-cold behavior to condition your attachment to them. One minute they're showering you with praise and affection, the next they've withdrawn it all, leaving you craving those euphoric highs again. This emotional rollercoaster intensifies your need for their validation and attention.

You become hooked on the idea that if you can just crack their code, you'll regain the happiness and security you glimpsed. But it's never quite enough. This guide will reveal the most common intermittent reinforcement techniques manipulators use so you can recognize the cycles of manipulation and reject this insidious form of conditioning. You deserve consistency and true intimacy free from mind games. The first step is understanding their tactics.

Examples:

• They shower you with affection, gifts, and compliments after an argument, only to later withdraw that affection again. This random reward keeps you hooked.
• They alternate between periods of ignoring you completely and then suddenly being very attentive, reinforcing that their validation is precious.
• They make vague promises of commitment like “One day...” without follow through, stringing you along.
• They flatter you intensely when they want something but go cold when their needs are met.
• They withhold physical intimacy strategically, using its return as a conditioning tool.
• They mix painful criticisms with sporadic praise and reassurance to keep you working for their approval.
• After angry blowups, they switch into a remorseful, generous mode then back again to keep you off kilter.
• They generate jealousy by flirting with others but also remind you that you’re “special.”
• They build you up with praise one minute only to undercut your confidence with casual cruelty shortly after.

This unpredictable reinforcement is designed to make their validation more powerful. But true partners build consistent intimacy, not conditioned dependence. You deserve relational security free from manipulation. You deserve someone consistent. You don't need to perform just to feel loved - You deserve unconditional love.

15. I'm everywhere: Hoovering

Few experiences are more painful than going through a breakup with someone you still love. In the confusion of heartbreak, even the most strong-willed of us can waver in our resolve if an ex attempts to reconnect. Manipulators are acutely aware of this emotional vulnerability, and will strategically employ hoovering techniques to re-engage contact after an unwanted split.

Like a vacuum cleaner sucking you back in, hoovering refers to excessive contact or exaggerated gestures from an ex to regain access to you after you’ve cut ties. They may promise change, make grand apologies, and try to tap into nostalgia from the good times you shared. But it’s often just a ploy to reassert their power over you, not a sincere effort to repair the relationship.

These situations include:

• After a breakup, your ex bombards you with texts proclaiming their love and regret, promising change if you'll come back.
• They show up unexpectedly with gifts and your favorite foods, trying to reminisce about good times.
• They send old photos and inside jokes to remind you of your bond and special moments shared.
• They make grand apologies and gestures - anything that might trigger your sympathies.
• If you block their number, they use other channels to reach out like social media or mutual friends.
• They make threats about self-harm or suing for custody if you won't reconcile.
• They announce suddenly improved finances, a new job, raise, or fancy purchases to appear more appealing.
• They spread rumors about themselves with other partners to try to make you jealous.
• They post exaggerated statuses and photos of people living their "best life" to show what you're missing.
• They lovebomb you with praise and admissions of regret, promising the moon if you'll just come back.

It's not genuine change, just hoovering—temporarily vacuuming you back into their orbit with superficial charm. But the underlying issues remain unresolved.

Knowing the most common hoovering tactics can help you spot false reconciliation attempts and stay strong in your decision to move on. You deserve someone committed to growth, not just reopened wounds.  Be aware of these things so you can reject the manipulation and avoid being drawn back into a toxic dynamic under false pretenses. Know your worth and stay firm in your boundaries. Settle for nothing less than authenticity.

‍

Recognizing manipulation is the first step to reclaiming your power.  Let this guide be your weapon against it. Escape the cycle of manipulation, find support, and know that healing and thriving are possible. You deserve true love.

‍

About the Author

Sheravi Mae Galang is a Content Coordinator for the Couply app. Couply was created to help couples improve their relationships. Couply has over 300,000 words of relationship quizzes, questions, couples games, and date ideas and helps over 400,000 people.

Sheravi enjoys wring and is currently studying at the Cebu Institute of Technology - University for her current pursuit of a Master's Degree in Clinical Psychology. You can connect with her through email (sheravimaegalang@gmail.com).