Dear Couply,
I'm in a relationship and we are doing great. But we argue very often about small things and it ends up ruining most of our days. As example, we literally argue because the cookie's pot was empty and no one had refilled it.
We're really annoyed because we both know that but still can't help it. What should we do ?
Dear Concerned Partner,
Firstly, it's important to understand that disagreements are a normal part of any relationship, but the warning sign is not being able to have healthy conflict that doesn’t ruin your day.
Being able to move from conflict to repair, or even using conflict to deepen your relationship is one of the most important skill for couples to have!
So the more practice you get – the better.
Now, let’s get into these cookies.
Why Couples Argue
Different communication styles: Couples may have different communication styles in terms of how they express themselves, how much they talk, and how they listen to each other. For example, one partner may be more direct and assertive, while the other partner may be more indirect and passive-aggressive. These differences in communication style can lead to misunderstandings and conflict.
Unmet expectations: Couples may have different expectations of each other in terms of their roles and responsibilities, their level of commitment, and their values and priorities. When these expectations are not met, it can lead to resentment and conflict.
Stress and fatigue: Stress and fatigue can make it difficult for couples to communicate effectively and to resolve conflict in a healthy way. When couples are stressed and tired, they are more likely to be irritable and less patient. This can lead to misunderstandings and arguments.
Different values and priorities: Couples may have different values and priorities in terms of their lives together. For example, one partner may value work and career success more, while the other partner may value family and spending time together more. These differences in values and priorities can lead to conflict, especially when couples are making important decisions about their lives together.
Past hurts and unresolved issues: Past hurts and unresolved issues can also lead to conflict in relationships. For example, if one partner has been cheated on in the past, they may be more suspicious and distrustful of their current partner. This can lead to arguments and conflict.
It is important to note that all couples argue from time to time. It is a normal part of any relationship. However, if couples are arguing frequently or if their arguments are destructive, it may be a sign of a deeper problem. If you are concerned about the level of conflict in your relationship, it is important to seek professional help from a therapist or counselor.
How to Argue Constructively
Be respectful and avoid name-calling: When you're arguing with your partner, it's important to be respectful, even when you're angry. Avoid name-calling, insults, and blaming. Instead, focus on the issue at hand and try to communicate your feelings in a calm and assertive way.
Focus on the issue at hand, not on your partner's personality: It's important to remember that an argument is about a specific issue, not about your partner's personality. Avoid attacking your partner or making generalizations about their character. Instead, focus on the specific behavior that is bothering you and try to explain how it is impacting you.
Listen to each other's perspectives: It's important to listen to your partner's perspective, even if you don't agree with it. Try to understand why they feel the way they do. This will help you to have a more productive conversation and to find a resolution that works for both of you.
Be willing to compromise: It's unlikely that you and your partner will always agree on everything. Be willing to compromise and meet your partner halfway. This shows that you respect their needs and opinions.
Take a break if needed: If you feel like you're about to have an argument, take a break from the conversation and come back to it later when you've both had a chance to calm down. This will help you to communicate more effectively and to avoid saying things that you'll later regret.
Tips for Reducing Conflict in Your Relationship
Reducing conflict in your relationship takes time and effort, but it's worth it. By following these tips, you can create a more loving and supportive relationship.
Spend quality time together: One of the best ways to reduce conflict in your relationship is to spend quality time together. This doesn't mean that you have to do something expensive or elaborate. It can be something as simple as taking a walk together, cooking dinner together, or watching a movie together. Spending time together helps you to stay connected and to appreciate each other's company.
Communicate openly and honestly: Communication is key to any healthy relationship. It's important to communicate openly and honestly with your partner, even when it's difficult. This means sharing your thoughts, feelings, and needs with them. It also means listening to them and trying to understand their perspective.
Be supportive and understanding: It's important to be supportive and understanding of your partner. This means being there for them during difficult times and offering them encouragement and support. It also means being forgiving and not holding grudges.
Forgive each other: Everyone makes mistakes. It's important to be able to forgive your partner when they make a mistake. This doesn't mean that you have to forget what happened, but it does mean letting go of any anger or resentment. Forgiveness is essential for a healthy and happy relationship.
Here are other principles to remember:
1. How you start the conversation is how it ends.
2. Assume positive intent
3. Use I statements to get you understood.
4. Don’t blame your partner
5. Describe what’s happening but don’t make an assessment or an assumption
6. Keep it Couply: say things with love and bring loving vibes into your conflict
Again, if you're struggling to deal with conflict in your relationship on your own, consider seeking professional help from a therapist or counselor. They can teach you skills and strategies for improving your communication, resolving conflict, and building a stronger and more resilient relationship.
Remember, conflict is a normal part of any relationship. The key is to learn how to deal with it in a healthy way. By following the tips above, you can create a more loving and supportive relationship.
