Have you ever found yourself obsessively checking your phone for a reply from your partner, or feeling irrationally jealous when they spend time with friends? Or perhaps the thought of getting too close to someone leaves you feeling trapped and suffocated, causing you to push them away. These are common experiences that stem from insecure attachment styles, which can wreak havoc on our relationships and overall well-being.

What is Attachment Style in a Relationship?

First of all, attachment theory, was introduced by psychologist John Bowlby, suggests that the emotional bonds we form with our primary caregivers in childhood shape the way we relate to others in our adult relationships.

Basically, there are four main attachment styles, each with distinct characteristics and behavioral patterns:

1. Secure Attachment

People with a secure attachment style are comfortable with intimacy and closeness. They trust their partners, communicate openly, and are able to maintain healthy boundaries. They have a positive self-image and can effectively regulate their emotions.

2. Anxious Attachment

Those with an anxious attachment style often fear abandonment and have a strong need for constant reassurance and approval from their partners. They may come across as clingy or possessive, and their self-worth is heavily dependent on their partner's affirmation.

3. Avoidant Attachment

Individuals with an avoidant attachment style tend to be emotionally distant and suppress their feelings. They fear intimacy and closeness, often prioritizing their independence and self-reliance. Commitment and vulnerability can make them feel trapped or suffocated.

4. Disorganized Attachment

This style is characterized by inconsistent (disorganized) behavior and a mixture of anxious and avoidant traits. People with a disorganized attachment style may crave intimacy but also push their partners away, leaving both parties feeling confused and unstable in the relationship.

Can You Learn to Have a Secure Attachment Style?

While our early childhood experiences play a big role in shaping our attachment styles, the good news is that attachment styles are not set in stone for life. Attachment patterns can definitely change and evolve over time through new experiences and relationships.

Even insecure attachment styles developed in childhood can be "unlearned" and reworked. So while those first experiences cast a profound imprint, attachment styles have been shown to be malleable across the lifespan.

Now the question is how?

How to Develop a Secure Attachment Style

While our attachment styles are deeply ingrained, they are not set in stone. With self-awareness, commitment, and the right tools, we can gradually reshape our patterns and move towards a more secure attachment style – one that allows for deeper, more fulfilling connections.

1. Self-Awareness is Key

The first step in this transformative journey is developing heightened self-awareness. Self-awareness is like the foundation or the first step in developing a secure attachment style. Well, without it, we remain blind to the patterns, triggers, and core beliefs that shape our relationships 🤷♀

Here are some key ways to cultivate self-awareness:

Reflect on Your Past

It's important to take time to reflect on your past relationships and experiences with attachment figures like parents, romantic partners, or close friends. I think our past can be like a hidden treasure chest, holding valuable clues about how we connect with other people today. You can ask yourself some questions, such as, What dynamics continually play out? Did you tend to cling tightly, push people away, or experience a mix of anxious and avoidant behaviors? Identifying these patterns is crucial.

Observe Your Present Behaviors

This is very important. Start noticing how you think, feel, and behave in your current relationships. When do you feel most triggered or insecure? What situations make you want to withdraw or seek constant reassurance? Developing this present awareness shines a light on knee-jerk reactions rooted in your attachment style.

Explore Your Core Beliefs

Basically, our core beliefs about ourselves, others, and relationships are formed in childhood and they significantly shape our attachment patterns. Someone with an anxious attachment may deeply believe they are unworthy of love or that people will eventually leave them. Those with avoidant styles often believe intimacy equals entrapment so they avoid commitments or being vulnerable. Figuring out what these hidden beliefs are is key to getting rid of them.

Get Curious, Not Critical

It's important to note that you should approach this self-exploration process with curiosity rather than harsh self-judgment. We all have insecure patterns shaped by circumstances beyond our control as children. The goal now is to build awareness with compassion.

By committing to ongoing self-awareness, you'll start to predict your own reactions and identify your partner's attachment triggers. This creates space to consciously choose new, healthier responses instead of falling into old patterns. Self-awareness is the foundation for lasting change.

2. Building Self-Esteem

Building healthy self-esteem is a critical component of developing a secure attachment style. When our self-esteem is rooted in external validation or our partner's affection, we become susceptible to anxious or avoidant tendencies. True security comes from within – from learning to love and accept ourselves unconditionally.

Just like they always say, "You can't love someone if you don't love yourself."

Here are some powerful ways to nurture authentic self-esteem:

Challenge Negative Self-Talk

Notice the harsh, critical inner voice that nitpicks your flaws and shortcomings. This is often the internalized voice of early invalidating experiences. When you catch yourself engaging in negative self-talk, pause and reframe it through a more compassionate lens focused on your inherent worth as a human being.

So instead of:

"They don't want to spend time with me anymore. Maybe they're finding someone else interesting."

You could say,

‍"My partner enjoys time with friends, and that's healthy. We have plenty of quality time together too. I can trust them and enjoy my own time with friends."

Celebrate Your Strengths

Make an effort to consciously appreciate your positive qualities! It can be anything! Your intelligence, creativity, resilience, determination, etc. Write them down and review the list when you're feeling down about yourself. Actively look for opportunities to lean into these strengths.

Pursue Passion Projects

Engaging in activities, hobbies, or passion projects that light you up from the inside can be incredibly empowering and affirming of your unique talents and interests. Following your curiosity reinforces your self-trust.

Affirmations and Mantras

Positive affirmations, stated aloud or written down, can help reprogram deep-seated negative beliefs about yourself. "I am worthy of love" or "My value doesn't depend on others" are examples that reinforce self-acceptance.  

Build a Support System

Surrounding yourself with people who celebrate your authentic self, rather than enabling insecure patterns, is invaluable. Cultivate relationships with those who encourage your growth and individuality. Don't just revolve your world around your partner.

As your self-esteem strengthens from within, you'll find yourself relying less on external validation and better able to set healthy boundaries in relationships. A grounded sense of worth enables the vulnerability, trust, and interdependence needed for secure attachment to thrive.

3. Developing Healthy Communication Skills

Clear, honest, and assertive communication is the foundation of any secure and fulfilling relationship. When we can openly share our thoughts, feelings, and needs without fear of judgment or abandonment, we create a safe space for intimacy and trust to flourish.

Here are some key elements to focus on:

Active Listening

The ability to truly hear and understand your partner's perspective is the bedrock of good communication. Practice active listening by giving your full attention, avoiding interruptions, and reflecting back what you've heard to ensure clarity. Make your partner feel seen and validated, even if you disagree.

"I" Statements

When expressing difficult feelings or needs, use "I" statements that avoid criticism or blame. For example, "I felt hurt when you canceled our date last night" rather than "You're so inconsiderate for canceling." This allows you to own your emotions without attacking your partner.

Emotional Transparency

Opening up and vulnerably sharing your authentic thoughts and feelings creates intimacy and trust. If you're struggling with insecurity or attachment fears, voice them in a constructive way. Avoidance and stonewalling breed distance.

Conflict Resolution

Disagreements are inevitable, but they don't have to be destructive. Approach conflicts from a place of curiosity, not contempt. Aim to understand your partner's position and find creative compromises that address both your needs. Commit to repairing and reconciling after every fight.

Constructive Feedback

Healthy couples are able to offer each other respectful feedback and be receptive in return. If there are behaviors upsetting you, express how you feel using "I" statements, and be open to adjusting your own approach as well.

Non-Violent communication techniques can also be helpful for learning to communicate needs and perspectives clearly while minimizing defensiveness.

Remember, communication is a two-way street built on mutual effort, empathy, and vulnerability. As you develop these skills together, you'll strengthen the secure emotional connection that is the hallmark of attached, intimate relationships.

4. Setting and Enforcing Boundaries

Healthy boundaries are essential for maintaining a sense of autonomy and self-respect within your relationship. They establish what behaviors and treatment you will and won't accept, and help prevent resentment or feelings of being taken for granted.

Here are some key aspects to focus on:

Identify Your Boundaries

Take time to reflect on your core values, needs, and limits. What matters most to you? What behaviors from a partner feel diminishing or unacceptable? Clearly define your boundaries, whether related to fidelity, communication, time commitments, etc.

Communicate With Clarity

Once you've identified your boundaries, communicate them clearly to your partner using "I" statements. For example, "I need at least one evening per week to myself to recharge." Explain the reasoning behind the boundary so your partner understands it's about taking care of yourself, not rejecting them.

Start Small

If setting firm boundaries feels daunting at first, start with lower-risk situations to build your confidence. As you get more comfortable speaking up, tackle bigger boundaries.

Be Consistent

For a boundary to be respected long-term, it needs to be upheld consistently by you. If you make exceptions frequently, the line becomes blurred. Have a plan for enforcing consequences if a boundary is crossed.

Respect Others' Boundaries

Just as you'd like your partner to honor your boundaries, make sure to respect theirs as well. Don't argue, negotiate, or try to convince them their boundary is unreasonable. Having differing boundaries is normal in a relationship.

Setting boundaries isn't about controlling your partner - it's about taking care of your own needs and upholding your self-worth. Secure individuals are able to stay true to their boundaries while still being caring, supportive partners. Healthy boundaries create the safety and trust for true intimacy to develop.

5. Seeking Support

For some, the journey towards secure attachment may feel daunting or overwhelming, especially if past wounds run deep. In these cases, seeking guidance from a licensed therapist or counselor can be invaluable.

Here are some key ways seeking support can help:

Unpacking Past Wounds

If you experienced attachment traumas, abuse, or significant emotional neglect or loss in childhood, trying to reshape attachment patterns on your own can feel overwhelming. A therapist can help you process past hurts in a safe, non-judgmental space and begin to separate those experiences from your current reality.

Identifying Triggers and Patterns

An objective third party can often pinpoint destructive cycles, knee-jerk reactions, and deep-seated fears or beliefs driving your insecure attachment behaviors better than you can on your own. This outside perspective brings increased self-awareness.

Developing New Strategies

Once self-sabotaging patterns are identified, a therapist can teach you coping techniques, communication tools, and concrete strategies for building earned secure attachment over time. From self-soothing to boundary-setting, you'll gain a toolkit for healthy relationships.

Practicing in Session

Therapy provides a space to role-play vulnerable conversations and practice confronting attachment fears in a lowered-risk environment. Your therapist can provide feedback and suggestions for improvement.

Couples Counseling

If you and your partner are both committed to developing a secure attachment, seeing a counselor together can be tremendously helpful. You'll learn to communicate needs, address conflicts constructively, and co-create a relationship that feels trustworthy and safe for both people.

The journey isn't easy, but having the right professional support can make it immensely more approachable and sustainable. Don't hesitate to prioritize your mental and emotional well-being by seeking help.

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Remember, building a secure attachment style is a journey of self-discovery and personal growth. It requires patience, self-compassion, and a willingness to confront and rewrite long-held patterns. But the rewards – deeper intimacy, trust, and emotional stability – make the effort worthwhile.

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About the Author

Sheravi Mae Galang is a Content Coordinator for the Couply app. Couply was created to help couples improve their relationships. Couply has over 300,000 words of relationship quizzes, questions, couples games, and date ideas and helps over 400,000 people.

Sheravi enjoys writing and is currently studying at the Cebu Institute of Technology - University for her current pursuit of a Master's Degree in Clinical Psychology. You can connect with her through email here.