When we think of play, we typically imagine children joyfully engaging with toys or games together. But the concept of "parallel play" - where kids play independently yet alongside one another - actually holds some wisdom for nurturing healthy adult relationships too.
Parallel play for partners is about creating space for individual expression and independence while still fostering quality shared time. It's pursuing separate hobbies or activities side-by-side, comfortably coexisting without demanding one another's undivided attention. And experts say it can supercharge feelings of intimacy, identity, and contentment in a relationship.
What is Parallel Play in Adult Relationships?
Remember that stage in childhood where kids play side-by-side, seemingly engrossed in their own worlds, yet strangely connected? That's parallel play, and according to developmental psychologist Mildred Parten, it's a crucial stage in social development. But believe it or not, it holds valuable lessons for adult love too.
In the context of adult relationships, parallel play refers to partners engaging in independent yet co-locational activities that they each enjoy separately, like reading or working on individual hobbies or projects. There's a deep level of comfort in simply being together while also exploring personal interests autonomously.
Parallel play for couples could look like one person working on their novel in the home office, while their partner kicks back on the couch to play video games. Or one crafting at the kitchen table as the other cooks a new recipe they're excited to try, occasionally looking up to chat or listen to music together between periods of independent focus.
By giving each other the freedom for parallel play and independence, couples can avoid feelings of suffocation or codependency that intensive "fused" togetherness can breed. With healthier boundaries comes opportunity for self-discovery, growth, and the revival of initial sparks of attraction.
Why Parallel Play Matters
1. Maintaining Individuality
One of the core benefits of parallel play is that it allows partners to maintain a strong sense of self and individuality within their relationship. Even the closest, most in-sync couples are still two distinct people with their own unique interests, values, and ways they enjoy spending time.
Parallel play provides that vital breathing room to explore and nurture personal passions, quirks, and solo hobbies without compromising quality together-time. Maybe you're an avid rock climber with a Saturday routine at your favorite bouldering gym. Or perhaps you find sanctuary in that daily pre-dawn journaling ritual in a quiet corner of the house.
Continuing to independently engage with the activities and rituals that light you up reminds you - and your partner - that you each have dynamic inner worlds outside of the relationship. It's about creating space for both interdependence and independence to coexist harmoniously.
2. Boosting Personal Growth
Beyond just maintaining individuality, parallel play actually encourages personal growth in powerful ways. Having distinct hobbies, interests, and friend groups outside the relationship provides crucial opportunities for learning, self-expression, and stretching comfort zones that might not happen when solely focused on the couple-sphere.
For example, your partner's recent fascination with pottery has not only sparked creativity, but led them to discover an entirely new social circle at the community arts center. Meanwhile, you've dived into breadmaking books and found a renewed sense of centeredness through the meditative process of kneading. Both of you are evolving as individuals, getting fulfilled in new ways that can be brought back to enrich the relationship.
This parallel expansion and development helps partners avoid stagnation and boredom. It fosters continual attraction, appreciation, and opportunities for cross-pollination of ideas, learnings, and fresh perspectives. Growth becomes a shared value that transcends the relationship.
3. Preventing Attachment Anxiety
For couples struggling with clinginess, codependency, or fears around abandonment, parallel play can be a powerful tool for building security and reducing attachment anxiety. It provides a living demonstration that each partner is a whole, complete person who doesn't need constant fused interaction and validation from their other half.
If one partner frequently feels "needy" for reassurance or panics when their partner wants some independence, parallel play provides bite-sized opportunities to build trust and comfort around spending time apart, both physically and mentally. Over time, this establishes that autonomy and independence won't lead to abandonment.
Parallel play signals you'll still be there for one another at the end of the day, with renewed energy and perspectives to share. It reinforces that emotional intimacy doesn't have to mean joined at the hip 24/7. The end result is reduced clinginess, healthier dependence, and a deepened sense of security in the relationship overall.
The Power of Shared Space
1.Quality Time, Not Quantity
Parallel play isn't about actively avoiding or neglecting quality time together as a couple. In fact, the beauty of this dynamic is that you're still soaking up each other's presence and company while independently engaged.
It's about maximizing true quality time over sheer quantity of fused, undivided-attention hours. Through parallel play, you can bask in the comfort and security of sharing physical space without the constant pressure to entertain one another or make hollow small talk.
For example, imagine both of you tucking into the living room after dinner to unwind before bed. You cozy up with a riveting novel while your partner watches their favorite streaming series. Aside from the occasional comment about your books traded back and forth or cuddle breaks during lull scenes, you're both contentedly enjoying that shared peaceful cocoon while nurturing your individual interests. No effort required beyond simply being.
2.Strengthening the Bond
Counterintuitively, this dance between togetherness and independence can actually strengthen the intimate bond between partners. There's incomparable comfort and security in being seen and accepted by your person in totality - quirks, solitary hobbies and all.
Pursuing parallel play activities in one another's presence cultivates a lived experience of what psychologists call "familiarity" in couples - a relaxed, judgment-free openness rooted in authenticity. You witness the full dimensionality of your partner's interests and expressions. And through that radical acceptance and trust, deeper layers of emotional intimacy can blossom.
That magical alchemy of cherishing your partner's autonomous self while enjoying the warmth of their company? That's the stuff that transcends puppy love and sustains a lifelong bond.
3.Respecting Individual Needs
We all have unique biorhythms and needs when it comes to balancing social and solo time. Parallel play provides sweet relief for partners who crave more "me" time without denying one another's company completely.
For instance, the classic battle lines of one partner who loves mornings for peaceful solitude while the other is a total night owl are dissolved. The early riser can sip coffee and read the paper beside their softly snoozing love, everyone's needs respected in that shared space. The night owl can stay up into the wee hours gaming or working on a passion project as their partner blissfully slumbers, knowing you'll reconnect over breakfast.
These independent pockets restore balance while still celebrating the comfort of cherished routines together. The pressure is off to constantly be "on" or in total synchronicity. Instead, there's breathing room to independently recharge and realign in your own way, strengthening what you each bring back to the relationship.
Putting Parallel Play into Practice
Now that you understand the power of parallel play, it's time to start implementing it in your own relationship! The activities are only limited by you and your partner's combined interests and imaginations.
1.Finding Activities
Book lovers can curl up in the same cozy nook, each enthralled in their latest literary obsession and periodically looking up to chat about plot twists over a glass of wine. Arts and crafters can set up side-by-side studio stations to each pursue their medium of choice - maybe you're knitting while your partner is painting botanical sketches.
For the active couple, that could mean sweating it out in tandem with your individual exercise routines, like you hitting the weight room while they flow through a yoga practice in the same space. Or you could head outside together for parallel pursuits like hiking side-by-side while your partner runs ahead on the trail.
Other examples include:
- The Foodies: Plan separate meals in the same kitchen! One partner could whip up a gourmet pasta dish while the other experiments with a new vegan recipe. Share bites and cooking tips, fostering connection through the shared love of food without needing to cook the same thing.
- The Learners: Dive into separate online courses! You could be learning a new language while your partner tackles coding basics. Discuss your learnings over dinner, sparking intellectual curiosity and growth for both.
- The Gamers: Set up a LAN party! Enjoy your favorite video games side-by-side, occasionally teaming up for co-op missions or simply enjoying the shared space and friendly competition
The only limit is your willingness to explore the activities that truly light you up as individuals. Because when you're both feeling enlivened through expression of cherished solo passions, that energy reverberates through the relationship in beautiful ways.
2.Communication is Key
Of course, open and honest communication is crucial for making parallel play harmonious. Check in frequently about how you're both feeling about the amount of independent versus coupled time. If one partner starts feeling a little starved for undivided attention, voice that need for reconnection. And be willing to compromise to meet in the middle.
Setting clear parallel play boundaries is wise too. For example, maybe you agree that evenings are reserved for quality time while mornings allow for individual pursuits. Or you could designate separate office spaces to avoid disrupting one another's solo focus.
3. Finding Balance
While parallel play can be incredibly nourishing, it shouldn't completely replace the shared activities, conversations, and quality time that forge emotional intimacy. The goal is to strike a balance between feeling free to explore independence and finding renewing ways to come back together.
Look for opportunities to periodically sync up and cross-pollinate your individual experiences. Maybe it's cooking a favorite meal together after a day of parallel hobbies. Or taking a long walk to fill one another in on any breakthroughs or sticking points you've each encountered. This natural rhythm between autonomy and integration is key.
Parallel play is about creating the space to be wholly yourself while still reveling in the soul-sustaining warmth of your partner's company. It's a chance to mutually celebrate and witness one another's passions while refueling that sacred sense of individuality that was likely a big part of the spark that first attracted you.
Because while profound intimacy requires occasional intense presence and attunement, it also depends on giving your spouse the freedom to explore, discover, and evolve independently at times. Through parallel play, that delicious dance of interdependence is honored and cherished, instead of stifled.
As my saying goes, “the couple that plays together stays together”. So go ahead and get your parallel play on - your relationship will be all the stronger for it! After all, they say the greatest couples aren't halves joining to make a whole, but two fully realized wholes coming together in profound union. Now that's some modern romantic wisdom we can get behind.
