You ever feel like a backup option while your someone is already involved in a primary relationship?
Yes, you heard it right! It's like being on standby, ready to step in when the main relationship faces challenges or difficulties. Intrigued?
Let's peel back the layers and discover the complexities of back burner relationships 🔥
What is a Backburner Relationship?
So, what exactly is a backburner relationship?
A backburner relationship means staying connected with someone you're romantically interested in, even though you're not currently dating them exclusively. It's like having a backup option in case your current relationship doesn't work out, and you might be hoping for future with this person.
Well, imagine this scenario: you're walking the relationship tightrope and someone refers to you as a back burner. It's like being moved to the outskirts of someone's romantic menu, where you're kept simmering at a low heat. It's not exactly the main course, but hey, you're still in their thoughts!
Being on the back burner suggests that you're not their number one focus at the moment. They may be interested in pursuing other options or simply not ready for a committed partnership. But don't worry, my friend! It's important to have open communication and make sure both partners are on the same page about their relationship status and intentions.
Now, let's flip this pancake over and see what it means when someone calls you a back burner.
What does it mean when someone calls you a back burner?
When someone refers to you as a back burner, it's like them saying, "Hey, you're cool, but I'm not giving you my full attention right now." They might be keeping their options open, exploring other connections, or simply not ready for a serious commitment. It can be a bit of a mixed bag, containing a sprinkle of uncertainty and a dash of ambiguity.
If you've been branded a dreaded backburner buddy, it means your supposed partner in crime has been keeping you warmly wading in the shallows just in case. Basically, you're their safety snuggle, their plan B cuddle buddy kept piping hot and available should their main squeeze turn out to be a dud 🤷
You get little hints of romance, like crumbs leading nowhere. They keep you hoping, but never fully commit. It's frustrating! You're stuck in limbo, neither together nor totally free.
What does it mean to keep someone on the back burner?
When someone keeps you on the back burner, it means they're not giving you their full attention or prioritizing you in the relationship. You may be kept at a low heat while they explore other options, focus on personal growth, or simply aren't ready for a committed relationship. It can leave you feeling sidelined or uncertain about where you stand. In this section, we'll explore the dynamics, emotions, and potential implications of being kept on the back burner in a relationship.
Is back burner a metaphor?
Yes, indeed! The term "back burner" is an idiom often used in relationships. It originates from the kitchen, where we move pots to the back burner on the stove to simmer gently while we focus on the main course 🍳
In the context of relationships, keeping someone on the back burner uses this notion to describe when someone is not the main focus or priority. They may be on standby while the other person explores other options or focuses on other aspects of their life.
What does it mean to keep romance on the back burner?
Keeping romance on the back burner is like putting it on a low heat while other aspects of life take precedence. It might happen when individuals are focused on career goals, personal growth, or dealing with family matters. Keeping romance on the back burner can lead to a decrease in attention, effort, or prioritization of the romantic relationship. In this section, we'll explore the reasons behind keeping romance on the back burner, the potential impact on relationships, and how to find a balance between personal growth and maintaining romantic connection.
How do you know you're on the back burner?
If you've found yourself constantly being blown off by your partner's other commitments, it may be a sign you've been relegated to the dreaded back burner. Some telltale signs include:
• Endless rain checks and unfulfilled plans as you continually get deprioritized
• Radio silence punctuated only by just enough breadcrumbs to keep you vaguely interested
• Them always seem MORE into YOU when their other prospects aren't panning out
• A lack of future-oriented conversation or commitment from their end
• An overall feeling that you're permanently wandering the friendship/relationship line
If more than a few of those sadly ring true, you may want to double-check that you haven't accidentally been demoted from the romance main course to a permanent, lukewarm side dish.
How to identify a back burner in a relationship
Are you always the one sacrificing your schedule for theirs? Do your needs continually get put on the relational equivalent of a lukewarm simmer while they feast on seemingly greener pastures? If you're nodding along, here's a hard truth: you may have become little more than their contingency cuddle plan - A.K.A. a textbook back burner bae.
Other signs this is your new normal? Getting hit with a whole lotta romantic breadcrumbing - just enough flirty morsels of attention to string you along, but never the whole actual loaf of commitment. Or perhaps you're only ever looped back into plan-making when their other romantic prospects fall through. Definitely not the stuff sizzling, satisfied lovers are made of.
What is the psychology of backburner relationships?
The back burner basics all boil down to one core truth: your partner is hoarding you as their emergency ration pack rather than fully indulging in the smorgasbord you could potentially serve up.
From a psychological standpoint, it's a classic case of having one's proverbial cake and keeping it around too - maintaining multiple romantic prospects in varying stages of cultivation to avoid emotional starvation. But this approach is typically more self-serving than fulfilling for all parties involved.
By stringing along back burner baes, the committer-phobe gets to selfishly better their odds while you get strung along indefinitely until they make up their indecisive minds. It's a lopsided scenario that keeps one person's needs scalding hot while the other's desires grow increasingly cold and neglected over time.
6 Motivations for Backburner Relationships
According to this study, there are 6 main reasons for Backburner Relationships:
1. Sex or possibility of sexual intimacy
A major reason people stay in backburner relationships is the potential for sex. They see it as a backup option, someone they can turn to if the opportunity arises. This highlights the importance of physical intimacy in these relationships, with both men and women reporting similar desires.
2. Past Romantic Connection (e.g., first love, previous romance, ex-boyfriend/girlfriend)
Some people stay in backburner relationships because of lingering feelings from a past romance. They can't quite let go of those emotions, but they also aren't ready (or don't want) to fully commit again. This can be a confusing and frustrating situation, like being stuck in "relationship purgatory." As a result, they keep the person on the back burner.
3. Desire for Friendship to Romance
Some people stay in backburner relationships because they hope they can turn a friendship into something more. They value the friendship but secretly wish it could become romantic. This creates an uneven situation where one person might want more than the other, which can make things complicated.
4. Excitement and Novelty
Some people enjoy the excitement and novelty of a backburner relationship. It can be a secret thrill, either from the hidden nature of the connection or the intensity of the interactions themselves. This shows how excitement can be a big reason why people keep these relationships going.
5. Monitoring Partner's Life
Some people stay in backburner relationships because they want to keep an eye on their partner's life. They might be waiting for the right moment to make a move for something more serious. This is similar to the "friend with potential" situation. Both show the complicated dance people do between wanting a deeper connection and having to deal with things like timing and existing relationships. It's kind of like being stuck in "limbo" again, waiting for a chance that might never come.
6. There is no true motivation
The final reason for backburner relationships is simply...because. Some people admitted they weren't sure why they kept these connections going. It could be they're just used to having them around, or maybe they don't want to put in the effort to end things. This shows the messy side of relationships - sometimes we do things without a clear reason, just because it's become a habit.
The Challenges of Back Burner Relationships
Even if there's an understandable reason for temporarily tabling more serious involvement, a back-burner dynamic presents some cruel challenges:
Lack of Clarity & Commitment: With no mutually understood "next steps," one person is left indefinitely uncertain and dissatisfied with crumbs.
Emotional Inequity: The person putting their love life on permanent pause gets all their needs met. The person being paused is left constantly wanting more.
Motivation for Change: Without any structured reassessment periods or ironclad timelines, there's no urgency to resolve the root issues causing the back burner.
Constantly Postponing the Inevitable: At a certain point, someone's going to realize their long-term needs aren't being met, causing resentment.
The bottom line? Intentionally putting all your eggs in someone else's permanently lukewarm basket is a gigantic emotional risk. Tread carefully, with open and defined expectations, if going this route; it's a fraught road where one person's needs will inevitably be left a little crisp around the edges.
Impact of Backburner Relationships
Backburner relationships can have a significant negative impact on both parties involved. Here are some of the key ways these dynamics can be detrimental:
1. Emotional Toll
• For the person on the backburner, it breeds feelings of insecurity, low self-worth, and never feeling "good enough"
• The constant uncertainty and deprioritization is mentally and emotionally draining
• There's a lingering sense that their needs will never truly be met or satisfied
2. Trust Issues
• Having a partner consistently put you on hold undermines the foundation of trust and vulnerability in the relationship
• It can make the person on the backburner feel disposable or like an option rather than a priority
• Both people's actions become harder to read authentically since motivations are murky
3. Delayed Personal Growth
• Time spent in backburner purgatory prevents both people from being fully present and invested in their lives
• Important personal milestones and decisions get put on hold due to the relationship ambiguity
• There's less motivation to work on individual flaws if the relationship status is perpetually up in the air
4. Fear of Emotional Intimacy
• The person keeping their partner on the backburner likely has their own issues with vulnerability and commitment
• This dynamic can reinforce those fears of intimacy for both individuals long-term
• Partners can develop coping habits of emotional unavailability and withholding
5. Bitterness and Resentment
• The person on the constant backburner will inevitably feel resentful over time about being deprived of a satisfying partnership
• That buildup of bitterness makes it harder to sustain any surviving feelings of love and affection
• Resentment is likely to spill over into other aspects of their lives outside the relationship
Ultimately, backburner dynamics keep both people in an unsustainable holding pattern of ambiguity that delays growth, erodes trust, and often ends in resentment rather than resolution. While sometimes prompted by legitimate life circumstances, they chronically hurt both partners' ability to develop a truly fulfilling relationship - with themselves or anyone else.
Do back burner relationships ever work?
In short: rarely. Back burner dynamics are inherently imbalanced, with one party's needs getting continually deprioritized. That's no foundation for an equal, fulfilling partnership long-term.
However, there are some rare instances where putting things on a temporary low simmer can actually be the right move for a couple. Maybe life circumstances like job opportunities or family obligations require temporarily cooling romantic jets. Or past hurt means taking things slower as you both rebuild trust.
The key difference? With a true back burner situation, there's an indefinite timetable and lack of effort. In a consciously cooled yet committed slow burn? Both people are on the same page about logistical reasons for pumping the brakes, not avoiding intimacy entirely.
Ultimately, a permanent romantic reservation rarely leads to long-lasting satisfaction. Keeping someone on a lukewarm perpetual placeholder sets the partnership up to go stale fast.
At the end of the day, a back-burner romance is about as appealing long-term as settling for a permanent lukewarm latte. While they start with the best of semi-intentional simmering, these situations virtually always leave someone's desires out in the cold.
If you currently feel exiled to the dreaded relational burn book, it may be time to turn up the heat and insist on going full flame...or getting taken off the menu entirely. You deserve to be someone's hearty, well-tended main course - not an eternally mediocre plate listing pining away for attention. Avoid romantic heat stroke by getting on the same satisfying temperature 🔥
