Have you ever found yourself in the same argument, over and over?
Arguments are a normal part of any relationship.
However, when arguments become repetitive, it can be frustrating and damaging to the relationship.
The Impact of Repetitive Arguments in Relationships
Repetitive arguments can have a significant impact on relationships. They can lead to resentment, frustration, and disconnection. Over time, they can even erode the foundation of the relationship.
Couples can find themselves stuck in repetitive arguments that seem to go nowhere. Worse, these arguments can be about seemingly small things, but they feel BIG inside. That can be draining, frustrating, and even damaging to the relationship if they go on and on unresolved.
Here are some of the ways in which repetitive arguments can impact relationships:
- Reduced intimacy: Repetitive arguments can create a sense of distance and emotional detachment between partners. When couples are constantly arguing, it can be difficult to feel close and connected to each other.
- Increased stress: Repetitive arguments can be a major source of stress for both partners. The constant conflict can take a toll on physical and mental health.
- Reduced trust: Repetitive arguments can undermine trust between partners. When partners feel like they can't rely on each other to be respectful and supportive, it can be difficult to trust them with their emotions and needs.
- Increased risk of breakup: Repetitive arguments are a major predictor of relationship breakup. When couples are constantly arguing, it's a sign that there are deeper problems in the relationship that need to be addressed.
However, here is a cool way to dig a bit deeper and understanding the root causes of these conflicts. Because, knowing what an argument is really about can help couples address those causes and move forward.
We’re basing this from the work by Howard Markman, a professor of psychology at the University of Denver, and this theory has been popularized by the legend celebrity therapist, Esther Perel.
3 themes where repetitive arguments tend to come from:
1. Power and Control
Fights about power and control can be particularly damaging to a relationship. These arguments often revolve around issues of authority, decision-making, and independence. Couples may argue about who has the final say in a particular situation or who gets to make certain decisions.
If you’re saying the below or hearing the below, it’s a conversation related to power and control:
- “Wait, you did WHAT without telling me?”
- "You always have to be in charge. I never get a say in anything."
- "I feel like you don't trust me to make my own decisions."
- “You’ve done that all wrong. I wish you’d do things like I say.”
- "You're always telling me what to do. Can't you just let me handle things my own way?"
If this one is hitting home you’ve got to start naming that bigger issue. As a couple, you should strive to listen actively and empathetically to each other, without interrupting or belittling. Couples should also work on developing a sense of shared decision-making, where both partners have a say in important matters.
Here are some conversation starters for you to look at together:
- Can we talk about our decision-making process and how we can make it more collaborative?
- I am feeling a bit disempowered. I’m hoping you’ll be open to talking to me about how can we work together to create a better balance of power in our relationship?
- I’m feeling like decisions are being made without me, can you share your perspective on why you feel like you need more control, and how we can find a middle ground that works for both of us?
2. Care and Closeness
Fights about care and closeness often stem from feelings of neglect or a lack of emotional support. These arguments can be particularly painful because they often involve issues of trust, vulnerability, and intimacy.
Examples of arguments related to care and closeness include:
- “We never have sex.”
- “I feel like you don’t care about me the way you used to.”
- "I feel like you're never there for me when I need you."
- "You don't seem to care about my feelings or emotions."
- "We don't spend enough quality time together. It feels like we're growing apart."
This one can be painful. Once those alarm bells start to ring, it gets scary! Resolving this means involve setting aside dedicated time to talk and connect and finding ways to show each other love and affection on a daily basis, bringing that care and closeness to the forefront.
Here are some conversation starters for you to look at together:
- What are some ways that we can prioritize emotional intimacy in our relationship?
- How can we make more time for each other, even when our schedules are busy?
- What are some specific things that I can do to show you that I care about your feelings and emotions?
3. Respect and Recognition
Fights about respect and recognition often revolve around issues of fairness, equality, and appreciation. Couples may argue about feeling undervalued, unappreciated, or taken for granted.
Examples of arguments related to care and closeness include:
- "You never listen to me. It feels like my opinions don't matter to you."
- "I feel like I'm always doing things for you, but you never do anything for me."
- "I work just as hard as you do, but you never acknowledge my contributions."
To address respect and recognition issues in your relationship, it's important to show appreciation for each other's efforts and contributions. This may involve expressing gratitude for the things your partner does, or acknowledging their strengths and accomplishments. It's also important to communicate openly and honestly about how you feel, without attacking or blaming each other. By showing respect and recognition for each other's perspectives and needs, you can create a more supportive and equal partnership.
Here are some conversation starters for you to look at together:
- "I am feeling unappreciated by you. Yesterday I did this thing and you didn’t show me any appreciation. Can we have an open and honest conversation about how we make each other feel valued and appreciated in our relationship?"
- "It’s really important that I feel valued by you. What are some ways that we can work on showing more gratitude and acknowledgement for each other's efforts?"
- "Can you share your perspective on why you feel like your contributions aren't being recognized, and how we can change that?"
How to Break the Cycle of Repetitive Arguments
If you and your partner are finding yourselves having the same arguments over and over again, it's important to take a step back and try to understand why. Once you understand the root of the problem, you can start to work on addressing it.
Here are some tips on how to break the cycle of repetitive arguments:
- Identify the triggers. What are the things that typically lead to arguments between you and your partner? Once you know what the triggers are, you can start to develop strategies for avoiding them or coping with them in a more healthy way.
- Take a break. If you feel like you're about to have an argument, take a break from the conversation and come back to it later when you've both had a chance to calm down. This will help you to communicate more effectively and avoid saying things that you'll later regret.
- Focus on the problem, not the person. When you're arguing with your partner, it's important to focus on the problem at hand, not on attacking each other personally. Name-calling, insults, and blaming will only make the argument worse.
- Listen to each other. When your partner is speaking, really listen to what they have to say. Try to see things from their perspective and understand their feelings. This will help you to have a more productive conversation.
- Be willing to compromise. No two people are exactly alike, so there will be times when you disagree with your partner. Be willing to compromise and meet them halfway. This will show that you respect their needs and opinions.
Tips for Communicating Effectively with Your Partner
- Be open and honest. Communication is all about sharing your thoughts, feelings, and needs with your partner. Be honest and open with them, even when it's difficult. This shows that you trust them and that you value their opinion.
- Be a good listener. When your partner is speaking, really listen to what they have to say. Don't interrupt them or start thinking about what you're going to say next. Just listen and try to understand their perspective.
- Use "I" statements. When you're communicating with your partner, try to use "I" statements instead of "you" statements. This will help to focus on your own feelings and needs, rather than blaming or attacking your partner. For example, instead of saying "You're always messy," say "I get frustrated when you leave your dirty clothes on the floor."
- Be respectful. Even when you disagree with your partner, it's important to be respectful. Avoid name-calling, insults, and blaming. Instead, try to focus on the problem at hand and work together to find a solution.
- Be willing to compromise. No two people are exactly alike, so there will be times when you disagree with your partner. Be willing to compromise and meet them halfway. This shows that you respect their needs and opinions.
In conclusion, understanding the deeper root causes of repetitive arguments can help you and your partner address them in a more productive and constructive way. By focusing on clear communication, emotional connection, and mutual respect, you can strengthen your relationship and overcome the challenges that arise.
Remember, approach each other with kindness and empathy, even in the midst of a disagreement!
By working together to find solutions and create a safe space for each other, you can build a stronger, more fulfilling partnership.
