We've all heard it before: "Marriage is SO HARD!"
You know, for the longest time I bought into this idea to the point where I doubted if I even wanted to get married. I remember telling my dad that the idea of marriage just sounded exhausting and like way too much work. To my surprise, he said, "It's not that actually hard."
And you know what? I realized that he was absolutely right.
Does marriage require work?
Now, I'm not denying that keeping a marriage strong and healthy through all the curveballs life can throw requires effort. Blending lives, navigating conflicts, raising kids if you choose to have them, and supporting each other through stressful periods—that undoubtedly demands work in the form of patience, communication, and compromise.
But there's a huge difference between the natural ups and downs every marriage faces and the notion that marriage itself is just a soul-crushing slog. Perpetuating that myth sells couples incredibly short and promotes the unhealthy mindset that true partnership is just about white-knuckling through together.
"If it feels like hard work all the time, then something's off."
Why do people say marriage is a lot of work?
People often refer to marriage as a lot of work because maintaining a healthy, long-term committed relationship requires ongoing effort and investment from both partners. Compromise, effective communication, navigating life's challenges together, and nurturing the core relationship connection all demand continuous care and work.
Framing marriage as this never-ending slog can be incredibly discouraging and misleading, especially for young people just starting to think about relationships. It sets an expectation that true love is supposed to be this arduous, uphill battle rather than a supportive, enriching partnership. It can even condone abusive situations because of the belief that "Marriage is hard."
The reality is that, yes, successfully sustaining any long-term relationship inevitably requires ongoing work in the form of communication, compromise, and weathering life's inevitable ups and downs as a unified front. However, the essence of that "work" should come from a place of mutual understanding, respect, and assertive care for each other's needs and boundaries, not from constant discord and unending disagreement.
Why is marriage hard work?
Marriage is viewed as hard work for several reasons. Here are some of the key reasons this perception exists:
- Compromise is constant. In marriage, you can't always just think of your own needs. You have to continually find ways to compromise, consider your partner's perspective, and find mutually acceptable solutions when you disagree.
- Communication is critical. Couples counselors emphasize that a huge part of the "work" is keeping the lines of communication open, being vulnerably honest about your feelings/needs, and working through conflicts in a constructive way.
- Life throws curveballs. Whether it's job stress, financial strain, health issues, child-rearing responsibilities, or other unexpected hurdles, navigating tough seasons as a unified front takes work.
- Relationships take maintenance. The spark doesn't just sustain itself. You have to put in regular effort through quality time, expressing affection/appreciation, and trying new things together.
- Bad habits can form. If you get complacent and stop "working" on nurturing the relationship, bad patterns like deprioritizing each other can start to undermine the marriage.
However, many believe that while consistent effort is required, calling it pure "work" sells the joy and fulfillment of marriage short. A better view is that it's an ongoing labor of love—you lovingly invest in and nurture the profound partnership you've planted together.
Is marriage supposed to be hard?
Relationships absolutely take effort, maintenance, and intentionality, but that doesn't mean they should feel like hard labor all the time. It's meant to be more like tending to a garden, allowing things to bloom naturally, rather than toiling away in a salt mine day after day.
If literally everything is an uphill battle and constant struggle, that's a major red flag that you and your partner may just not be very compatible. Sure, you'll go through seasons that require more work, but constant heaviness and tension are not sustainable or healthy.
When people buy into that "relationships are SO HARD, Y'ALL!" mentality, it teaches them to just stick it out and accept misery as normal. But it doesn't have to be that way! With therapy, self-work, and finding the right partner, you can have a relationship that feels more like a peaceful garden versus a stressful worksite.
Definitely don't complicate things further by having kids if your relationship already feels like "OMG SO HARD" most of the time. Adding a whole new human will likely only exacerbate any existing issues or resentments tenfold.
The key is assessing whether this is just a season of increased tending that will pass, or if this person is fundamentally not a fit for you to grow together long-term. It's okay to move on and seek out healthier, more naturally harmonious partnerships. Your garden is meant to be enjoyed, not endured!
What is a marriage meant to be?
Real talk - relationships aren't exactly a cakewalk. There's always gonna be some level of work involved. But here's the thing - with the right person, even though you're putting in effort, it shouldn't feel like hard labor all the damn time.
See, so many people grew up witnessing whack relationship dynamics or getting fed that "relationships are just haaard" BS. So they internalized that flawed mindset that struggles and nonstop grinding is just how it's supposed to be if you're really putting in "work" on your marriage or whatever.
But that's cap! Sure, every relationship requires nurturing the bond, figuring out how to fight fair, juggling all the mental and logistical aspects of being a unit, and whatnot. But when you're with your real one, yeah it takes effort, but it should be an effort you actually want to make, feel me?
It's not this constant, miserable slog just to try and stay above water. More like you're both tending to your garden, cultivating something awesome together. The work feels worthwhile because it's nurturing you back.
If it seriously feels like a nonstop, lopsided battle just to keep steady, constantly overwhelming one of you...that's a sign this person might not be the right fit long-term. The vibes should be more easeful and energizing at the core. If it ain't that, cut your losses before you drown, feel me?
A healthier way to approach marriage is by thinking of it as a continual investment that you have to tend to and nurture, similar to a garden. The work stems from fostering your unbreakable bond through quality time, staying attuned to your partner's emotional world, and proactively cultivating an environment where you both feel loved and can grow together. Some days, gardening feels totally effortless. On other days, you may need to really dig in and clear out some weeds. But at its core, it should feel more life-giving than spirit-depleting.
How can marriage be made easy?
Alright, let's keep it real- there's no way to make marriage "easy" per se. Any long-term relationship is gonna require consistent effort and work from both partners. But here are some tips to make that work feel more effortless and worthwhile:
First up, choose your partner wisely from the jump. I'm talking really taking the time to make sure your values, love languages, goals, and overall vibes are genuinely compatible for the long haul. Marrying your bestie who you vibe with on every level makes a world of difference.
From there, normalize open communication always. Create a judgment-free zone where you can be real about your needs, feelings, and issues before they fester. Embracing each other at your realest cultivates understanding.
Don't lose the fire either! It's easy to fall into roommate mode, so made an intentional effort to keep that spark lit. Date nights, new experiences, physical intimacy - put that energy into romancing your partner regularly.
Most importantly, see conflicts not as hurdles but as opportunities to get closer. Don't shut down or get defensive. Approach disagreements as two people vs the problem, not against each other. The goal is understanding, not "winning."
At the end of the day, you can't remove all the friction and effort. But with the right foundation, continuous nurturing, and remembering you're a team, "work" is really just cultivating something amazing with your person. So while marriage may never be "easy," it can definitely be deeply fulfilling and worth the journey.
In conclusion, buying into that "marriage is just sooo hard" mindset is setting yourself up for unnecessary struggle and resentment. Yes, any long-term relationship is going to require consistent effort and maintenance from both partners. But that effort shouldn't feel like a constant, miserable slog just to barely stay afloat.
The truth is, with the right person by your side, that work becomes more about joyfully nurturing and cultivating something beautiful together - not desperately bailing water out of a sinking ship every single day. When you have a solid foundation of shared values, compatible life goals, and a commitment to embracing each other's authentic selves, the struggles don't feel so insurmountable.
It's all about adjusting your mindset and expectations. Don't benchmark your marriage against toxic examples or folks who constantly lament how crazy "hard" it is. Define what a healthy, fulfilling partnership looks like for you and your partner. Normalize open communication, make dating and romance a priority, and approach conflicts as opportunities to understand each other better.
The work becomes workable and even energizing when you're a team united in your visions. You're building a garden meant to be enjoyed, nurturing you both, not toiling away in a joyless salt mine day after day.
So don't resign yourself to the idea that marriage is supposed to be an endless, miserable grind. With the right partner and perspective, you can absolutely cultivate something amazing that enriches your lives more than it ever depletes you. Choose to nurture what's worthy.
At the end of the day, marriage means you get to have a lifetime partner through the game of life's ups and downs, and I believe that is beautiful.
About the Author
Sheravi Mae Galang is a Content Coordinator for the Couply app. Couply was created to help couples improve their relationships. Couply has over 300,000 words of relationship quizzes, questions, couples games, and date ideas and helps over 400,000 people. You can connect with her through email here.
