Have you heard of the Magic Ratio?

It’s one of the most important concepts in relationship science, that was used to a 90% accuracy to predict divorce in married Couples.

What is the 5:1 Magic Ratio?

In a nutshell, it refers to the ratio of positive to negative interactions in a relationship.

The 5:1 Magic Ratio is a rule of thumb for healthy relationships. It states that for every negative interaction between partners, there should be at least five positive interactions.

This ratio is based on the research of Dr. John Gottman, a renowned psychologist and researcher on relationships. Dr. Gottman has spent over 40 years studying couples, and he has identified a number of factors that contribute to relationship success. One of the most important of these factors is the balance between positive and negative interactions.

The research behind the 5:1 Magic Ratio

The 5:1 magic ratio is from a study that Dr. Gottman and Robert Levenson did in the 1970s and has one of the biggest impacts on relationship science. 

Dr. John Gottman and Robert Levenson set couples up in a room and recorded them. They tasked the couples to solve a conflict in their relationship in 15 minutes. 

The researchers studied the tapes while they continued to follow up with couples over the next nine years. 

The Magic Ratio of how these couples acted figuring out a conflict accurately predicted who would stay together and who would divorce!

It’s a very simple ratio: 5:1 

The couples who lasted had five positive interactions to every negative interaction in a conflict. 

Or flipped the other way around, for every negative interaction during a conflict they had five positive interactions. 

Notice that we say interaction? 

So, this is not just words! Positive interactions include body language like hand-holding, nodding along, eye-contact and active listening. Negative interactions include; sighs, eye rolling, shrugging, looking down or not paying attention.

What does this mean for you?

It really comes down to the culture you and your partner have inherited from your upbringing or created in your relationship around arguments and conflict.

But relationship science shows how important it is in a conflict to include positive!

Here is a quick list to keep in mind when you’re veering into conflict with your partner.  

Positive: 

• Interest in the problem
• Asking questions to clarify
• Being kind 
• Being affectionate 
• Agreeing with the valid points your partner makes
• Finding common ground
• Taking their complaints seriously
• Showing empathy to their wants

Negative:

• Being critical 
• Getting upset 
• Eye-rolling 
• Withdrawing Touch
• Not engaging or going quiet
• Saying things to hurt feelings  
• Not taking any responsibility

The Gold Standard

• Approaching things with a sense of humor 
• Maintaining touch in a difficult situation
• Casting your partner’s intentions as positive
• Scheduling time for important discussions
• Owning up to your part
• Making a plan together to address an issue
• Accepting things that you can’t change
• Sharing gratitude for the way your partner is looking at things differently  

Real-life examples of the 5:1 Magic Ratio in action

Here are some real-life examples of the 5:1 Magic Ratio in action:

Example 1:

Negative interaction: A couple is arguing about finances. They are both frustrated and angry, and they are saying things that they don't mean.

Positive interactions: The next day, the couple apologizes to each other and tries to talk about their finances in a more calm and constructive way. They also make an effort to be more affectionate and supportive of each other.

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Example 2:

Negative interaction: A couple is having a bad day. They are both stressed and tired, and they are snapping at each other.

Positive interactions: Later that evening, the couple takes some time to relax and unwind together. They watch a funny movie, cuddle on the couch, and talk about their day.

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Example 3:

Negative interaction: A couple is going through a difficult time in their relationship. They are struggling to communicate and resolve their conflicts.

Positive interactions: The couple decides to seek professional help from a therapist. They learn new communication and conflict resolution skills, and they start to work through their problems together.

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In all of these examples, the couples were able to overcome their negative interactions and maintain a positive and supportive relationship by following the 5:1 Magic Ratio.

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Here is another example:

Example 4:

Positive interactions:

• A couple wakes up in the morning and kisses each other goodbye before work.
• They text each other throughout the day to say "I love you" and to check in on each other.
• They have a nice dinner together that evening and talk about their day.
• They watch a movie together before bed and cuddle.

Negative interaction:

• The couple gets into a small argument about what to watch on TV.

In this example, the couple has a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. Even though they had a small argument, they were able to resolve it quickly and move on.

Common challenges and how to overcome them

Challenge: Not being aware of your interactions.

Solution: Pay attention to how often you and your partner interact in a positive way, and how often you interact in a negative way. You can do this by keeping a journal or simply by being more mindful of your interactions throughout the day.

Challenge: Not making an effort to increase your positive interactions.

Solution: Make a list of things that you can do to increase your positive interactions with your partner. This could include things like:

• Expressing appreciation for your partner
• Spending quality time together
• Doing things that make them happy
• Saying "I love you"
• Giving each other hugs and kisses

Then, make a commitment to doing at least five of these things each day.

Challenge: Not being able to reduce your negative interactions.

Solution: If you find that you are struggling to reduce your negative interactions, it may be helpful to learn some communication and conflict resolution skills. There are many books, articles, and even online courses that can teach you these skills. You may also want to consider seeking professional help from a therapist or counselor.

Here are some additional tips for overcoming challenges in the 5:1 Magic Ratio:

• Be patient. It takes time to change your habits and improve your communication skills. Don't get discouraged if you don't see results immediately. Just keep at it, and you will eventually see a difference.
• Be forgiving. Everyone makes mistakes. If you say or do something hurtful to your partner, apologize and try to learn from your mistake.
• Be committed to your relationship. The 5:1 Magic Ratio is not a magic bullet. It takes hard work and commitment from both partners to make a relationship work.

Remember, the 5:1 Magic Ratio is a tool to help you improve your relationship. It is not a set of rules that you have to follow perfectly. The most important thing is to be genuine and to show your partner that you love and respect them.

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Being able to engage in a conflict in a healthy way is the bedrock of your relationship. You might have read the list and thought sure, this makes sense!

The problem is, for most people engaging in conflict to win, though debate, directly, bluntly is a learned skill that has many benefits as you battle your way through life. 

So you have to re-learn a totally different conflict style that will work for your relationship, taking account of the magic ratio. 

Not too many people have heard of the Magic Ratio. If you’re reading this your part of a very small group.  

However, now you know it you can start to mindfully apply it as in your relationship and let your partner know about it as well. 

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As you know, our goal with Couply is to help you build an incredible relationship that lasts forever and the magic ratio will help you and your partner do that!