Are you curious about why your relationships seem to follow a familiar pattern? Do you find yourself constantly seeking validation or being afraid of getting too close? Understanding attachment styles can shed light on these patterns and help you navigate your relationships more effectively.
Attachment theory is a psychological theory that explains how we develop relationships with others. It suggests that our early relationships with our caregivers, especially our parents, shape how we view ourselves and others, and how we behave in relationships.
In fact, name any of your favorite TV shows and you’re bound to easily pscyho-analyze any of the main characters, based on their attachment styles.
Marshall and Lilly? Securely attached.
Carrie Bradshaw circa the first series of Sex and the City? Disorganized/fearful attached.
Lorelei Gilmore? Avoidant attached.
But what does that really mean?
The Four Attachment Styles and How They Affect Your Relationships
When it comes to attachment styles, no, we’re not asking if you prefer attaching PDFs or PowerPoints to your emails—we’re talking about how you find, keep, function through, and end relationships.
Whether you're single, dating, or in a long-term relationship, understanding attachment styles can provide valuable insights that can lead to more fulfilling connections.
The concept of attachment styles first began in the 1950s, when developmental psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, explored a child’s relationship with their caregivers, and how, as they grew, it manifested in their adult relationships. At its core, attachment styles are impacted by how our parents (more specifically, mothers) responded to our needs as children—and can even start as early as in the womb. No pressure, right? But for parents who are attentive to their child’s needs and cries for help, they:
- raise them to actually experience less fear than children who aren’t raised that way
- build this feeling of trust, which will influence their future relationships
- give them positive caregiver experiences, to help them trust that others can do the same
In simple terms, how our parents were there for us—whether close or distant—is now reflected and repeated when it comes to our intimate relationships, as seen in one of these styles of attachment:
- Anxious (also referred to as Preoccupied)
- Avoidant (also referred to as Dismissive)
- Disorganized (also referred to as Fearful-Avoidant)
- Secure
But the best part about attachment styles? You’re not stuck in them forever. Unlike our horoscopes, we can always work towards changing our attachment style for the better.
And if you’re unsure what your attachment style might be, don’t worry—we’re here to help break it down.
What is your attachment style and what do they look like?
1. Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment Style
Ever get that instant feeling of dread when your partner hasn’t texted back right away? Constantly afraid they’ll leave no matter what you do? Do you worry that you’ll never be good enough or are unlovable? Or that you find your moods greatly affected—and connected—to how your partner may be feeling? And, when it comes to fights, do you ever feel the need to reconnected—and fix it—ASAP?
Those with this attachment style tend to be insecure about their relationships, often hyper tuned to their partner’s responses. For these anxiously attached individuals, a deep connection is a constant longing, however thanks to parents who were often inconsistent with their love and affection, trust does not come easy for this group. Often, these types are “waiting for the other shoe to drop” mentality, and any lack of response from their partners can often lead them down a spiral of worst-case scenarios.
In other words, they often display the following characteristics and behaviors:
- Heightened Anxiety: They tend to worry about their partner's commitment and constantly seek reassurance, sometimes becoming overly clingy.
- Fear of Abandonment: There's a persistent fear of being abandoned or unloved, which can lead to mood swings and relationship conflicts.
- Intense Desire for Closeness: They crave emotional closeness and may rush into relationships or become overly dependent on their partner for validation.
For these individuals, consistency truly is key.
2. Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment Style
Do you find it hard to trust others? Can you admit you might have commitment issues, that relationships make you feel suffocated? For those with this attachment style, the best way to not get hurt is to avoid situations that can get them hurt altogether. Intimacy is scary and it’s easier to just rely on the age old “me, myself, and I.”
Those with this attachment style often had parents who were often emotionally unavailable, hence why avoidants tend to embrace the concept of monkey see, monkey do and avoid emotions—or the conversations surrounding them—too.
Typically, these individuals show the following traits and behaviors:
- Emotional Detachment: They often downplay the importance of emotional intimacy, preferring independence and self-sufficiency.
- Difficulty Expressing Feelings: Expressing vulnerability or deep emotions can be challenging for them, leading to emotional distance in relationships.
- Preference for Autonomy: They prioritize personal space and independence, sometimes at the expense of emotional connection.
For these individuals, patience is a virtue and it’s key to remember that it sometimes takes them time to truly express how they feel.
3. Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style
Fearful-avoidant attachment is a type of attachment style that is characterized by a combination of anxiety and avoidance. People with fearful-avoidant attachment are often afraid of being close to others, but they also crave intimacy and connection. This can lead to a pattern of pushing people away and then feeling lonely and isolated.
People with these attachment styles tend to exhibit these characteristics and behaviors:
- Ambivalence: They vacillate between a desire for emotional closeness and a fear of vulnerability, which can lead to relationship push-pull dynamics.
- Past Trauma: Often, this attachment style arises from past experiences of trauma or inconsistent caregiving, leading to deep-seated fears.
- Difficulty Trusting: Building trust in relationships can be challenging, as they may fear getting hurt or rejected.
For these individuals, the key is just to be patient, understanding, and supportive.
4. Secure Attachment Style
Just like the name suggests, secure attachment styles mean you have a sense of security when it comes to your relationships. For those with secured attachment styles, trust, acceptance of love, and the act of building close relationships come easy. You won’t see any metaphorical running shoes in these individuals, as they often embrace intimacy, while also holding space for, well, space.
For those with secured attachment styles, boundaries aren’t something to shy away from and they tend to feel safe, stable, and more satisfied in their close relationships.
In other words, they are known for their:
- Emotional Balance: Secure individuals are comfortable expressing their emotions and handling the emotions of their partners without becoming overwhelmed.
- Trust and Confidence: They have trust in their partners and themselves, leading to confidence in the stability and longevity of their relationships.
- Effective Communication: Securely attached people are excellent communicators, listening actively and expressing their thoughts and feelings honestly.
Does this sound like a fantasy, yet? Well, if it does, you’re not alone. While some research indicates that about 50 to 60 percent of people are in this category, it doesn’t mean you can’t be either.
That’s where earned security comes in. Through therapy and working through past traumas and tendencies, individuals do have the chance to find that security that many strive towards.
How to Improve Your Relationships by Understanding Your Attachment Style
Understanding your attachment style can help you to improve your relationships. Here are some tips:
- Become more aware of your attachment style. The first step to improving your relationships is to become more aware of your own attachment style. You can take an online attachment style quiz to get started.
- Challenge your negative thoughts and beliefs about yourself and others. People with insecure attachment styles often have negative thoughts and beliefs about themselves and others. It's important to challenge these thoughts and beliefs and replace them with more realistic and positive ones.
- Learn to trust others. Trust is essential for healthy relationships. It's important to learn to trust others, even if you've been hurt in the past.
- Communicate your needs and wants. It's important to be able to communicate your needs and wants to your partner. This can be difficult for people with insecure attachment styles, but it's essential for a healthy relationship.
If you are struggling to improve your relationships on your own, it may be helpful to seek professional help from a therapist or counselor. A therapist can help you to understand your attachment style and develop strategies for improving your relationships.
Here are some specific things you can do to improve your relationships by understanding your attachment style:
1. Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment Style
- Challenge your negative thoughts and beliefs about yourself and your partner. Remind yourself that your partner loves and cares for you, even if they don't always show it in the way you want them to.
- Focus on your own needs and wants. Don't rely on your partner to meet all of your needs. Take care of yourself and develop your own interests and hobbies.
- Learn to trust your partner and let them in. Share your thoughts and feelings with your partner, even if you're afraid of being rejected.
2. Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment Style
- Be more open and honest with your partner about your feelings. Don't be afraid to let your partner know that you care about them and that you want to be close to them.
- Let your partner know that you're there for them. Be supportive and understanding, even if you don't always understand their feelings.
- Be willing to compromise and meet your partner halfway. Relationships are about give and take. Be willing to meet your partner's needs, even if it's not always easy.
3. Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style
- Challenge your negative thoughts and beliefs about yourself and your partner. Remind yourself that you are worthy of love and that your partner cares about you.
- Learn to trust your partner and let them in. Share your thoughts and feelings with your partner, even if you're afraid of being rejected.
- Be patient with yourself and your partner. It takes time to build trust and intimacy. Don't get discouraged if things don't happen overnight.
4. Secure Attachment Style
- Continue to be yourself. Don't try to change who you are to please your partner.
- Communicate openly and honestly with your partner. Share your thoughts and feelings, both good and bad.
- Be supportive and understanding of your partner. Be there for them when they need you, and be willing to compromise.
By understanding your attachment style and making some changes to your behavior, you can improve your relationships and build stronger and more fulfilling connections with others.
Your attachment style is a complex and important part of who you are. It can affect your relationships in many ways, both positive and negative. By understanding your attachment style and learning how to improve it, you can build healthier and more satisfying relationships. If you are unhappy with your attachment style, there are things you can do to improve it. One way is to learn more about attachment theory and how it affects your relationships. You can also talk to a therapist or counselor who can help you understand your attachment style and develop strategies for improving it.
Want to find out yours and your partner’s attachment styles? Want an even more in-depth analysis of what this all means? Download Couply on Android or Apple and take the attachment styles test. Couply app has also a lot of free couples quiz, relationship questions, and dating questions games for you and your partner to enjoy.
