You thought this chapter was finally over. You deleted their number, removed their socials, maybe even ceremonially burned that old concert tee they left at your place. You were over them. Or so you thought...

Until one day - weeks, months, maybe even years later - a friendly little text pops up: "Hey! It's been a while. How've you been?"

Wait, is that who you think it is? Your mind swirls as those three devious little dots mesmerizingly blinking could only mean one thing: your ex is back from the depths and submarining you 

What is Submarining?

Submarining (also known as "zombie-ing" 🧟‍♂️) is that oh-so-fun phenomenon where someone ghosts you and seemingly disappears from your life without a trace...only to then randomly resurface with an out-of-the-blue text, DM, or message down the road as if no time has passed at all.

Just when you'd finally moved on and thrown them unceremoniously overboard from the S.S. Your Love Life, their sheepish little periscope pops up again from the depths beneath. Confusing, headache-inducing, and not a little rage-inducing - that's submarining in a nutshell.

Why is Submarining Becoming a Thing?

Like many modern dating phenomenons, submarining is a byproduct of the social media/online era. Our devices basically beg for hit-and-run romantic interactions by keeping lines of communication just ambiguously open enough. An ocean of potential reconnections is just a single DM away 🤳

Never before has it been so tempting to pop back up out of the blue from your submarine-style isolation. You can just as easily ghostsomeone again at the first sign of difficulty. It's a vicious cycle of romantic starts and stops enabled by our hyper-connected digital age.

Plus, we've all been conditioned by bingeing TV to want constant drama and cliffhangers. Is it any surprise that applies to our own dating lives now? Submarining is the twisted plot twist that no one actually enjoys experiencing for themselves.

The Motivations Behind Submarining

1. Rekindled Interest or Fleeting Curiosity?

In some cases, the submarine may genuinely be resurfacing from a period of personal growth or life changes with an authentic renewed interest in exploring the relationship again. Perhaps they've worked through the issues that caused them to ghost initially. Or maybe your casual fling is now seeking something more serious after having some fun in the dating pool.

However, it's just as likely their resurgence is merely driven by a fleeting curiosity or desire for temporary validation. They catch a glimpse of you thriving on social media and want to bask in the familiar comfort of your attention again, if only for a brief moment. You represent a nostalgic ego stroke - until the next distraction lures them back under the waves 🌊

2. Fear of Commitment & Keeping Options Open

For many submariners, the entire cycle stems from a fundamental fear of commitment or an addiction to greener grass. Even if they truly did enjoy your company at one point, the prospect of lasting exclusivity triggers their flight response.

By ghosting initially, they keep you conveniently on the hook while aggressively pursuing new prospects. Then later, they can safely resurface to get a little taste again - without having to commit to pulling you permanently out of the "maybe someday" holding pattern.

3. The Ego Boost of Second Chances

There's also an undeniable ego boost to knowing you can so easily respark someone's interest and emotion after cutting them off completely. By submarining, they know your heart still likely harbors at least some unresolved feelings for them. And that gives them power over you again, at least temporarily.

It's like having a get-out-of-the-doghouse-free card for all that silence and neglect. All they have to do is send a cheeky little text, and you're putty in their hands again as you psychoanalyze every word for hints about their intentions. That control can be intoxicating.  

4. Social Media & The Highlight Reel

Of course, curated social media personas play a major role in instigating submarining behavior these days. When you catch glimpses of your ex living their hottest, most accomplished life constantly on display, the FOMO takes over. 

It makes you nostalgic for the old days and curious if you could still somehow be a part of that filtered glamour - even just for a night. Or it inspires petty jealousy that has them rashly resurfacing just to keep you semi-interested as an ego cushion.

Either way, seeing only those glossy "greatest hits" highlights on Instagram or whatever can prompt someone to recklessly crash back into your life chasing clout and dopamine hits. Even if it means potentially reopening old wounds.

Signs You're Being Submarined

Here are some key signs to watch out for that could indicate you're being submarined:

1. The Ghostly Disappearance & Radio Silence

The very first stage of submarining is the ghoster completely falling off the face of the earth 🌏 All communication ceases without warning or explanation. Your texts and calls go unanswered, leaving you bewildered in their wake as they disappear into the ether. Radio silence for days, weeks, months at a time.

When you finally start to grudgingly accept that chapiter is closed, that's when...

2. The Unexpected Resurfacing & Recycled Lines  

Out of nowhere, they slide back into your DMs or shoot you a text like notime has passed at all. "Hey stranger!" "Long time no see!" As if the abrupt, rude exit never even happened.

You may even recognize the overly familiar opening line as the very same one they used to initiate your talking way back when. Recycling old lines and dodging any acknowledgement of their extended vannishing act.  

3. Inconsistent Communication & Lack of Commitment

Once they have your eyes glazed back over with nostalgia and Hope's reemerges, the suffocating hot-and-cold cycle resumes. They enthusiastically pursue you for a feverish stint of frequent communication, only to then ghost and disappear again for long stretches.

Mixed signals and inconsistency abound with no actual discussion or commitment toward sustained efforts. It's a relentless rollercoaster of them love-bombing you intermittently before withdrawing entirely - all to keep you hopelessly imbalanced.

4. Suspicious Social Media Activity

Sometimes their curated social feeds are the giveaway that your submariner's resurgence doesn't align with their public posturing. You get those friendly "reconnecting" texts while their Insta shows them incorrigibly single and mingling.

Maybe their stories reveal they're in a whole different city than they're pretending with you. Or they're liking and engaging with obvious romantic prospects, even as they reactively share inside jokes and undertones with you.

Their online persona simply doesn't mesh with the mixed messages they're sending to reel you back in. It's evidence of them concealing the full truth about their lack of genuine intention or availability.

How to Protect Yourself from Submarining

1. Trust Your Gut & Don't Ignore Red Flags

When that text from your former ghost pops up, you'll likely feel a dopamine rush of affirmation and nostalgia. But don't let those warm fuzzies override your intuition and self-respect. If something feels off, pay attention to those gut reactions.

Notice the red flags waving proudly: the lack of true accountability for their shady behavior, the shallowness of their reconnection efforts, the inconsistencies between their words and actions. Don't ignore those prickly warning signs just because you miss the idea of them.

2. Don't Reward Bad Behavior by Re-engaging  

As tempting as it is to lapse back into casual banter and playing along, recognize that's exactly what the submeriner wants - for you to tacitly excuse and reward their disturbingly inconsiderate actions. Decide firmly that you won't be jerked around anymore.  

Set a firm boundary about what communication and effort you'll accept moving forward. Resist the urge to dip your toes back into their turbulent waters unless you're prepared to call them out directly on their ghosting and demand real change. Don't enable the cycle to persist.

3. Communicate Clearly & Address Your Concerns

If you do choose to respond to the submarine, don't mince words or rug-sweep the past. Make it clear their temporary vanishing act is unacceptable treatment you won't tolerate any longer. Passive-aggressive hints and cold shoulders won't resolve this - you must directly voice your hurts, concerns and boundaries.

Make them own up to their behavior and its impacts, rather than letting them glibly pretend it didn't happen. If their interest in reconnecting is sincere, they'll reckon with the accountability you set forth without defensiveness. If not, they'll likely ghost again, at least sparing you further ambiguity.

4. Moving Forward & Prioritizing Healthy Relationships

Ultimately, if the submariner won't shape up after you've voiced your piece, your best course is to firmly swim away and seek fulfillment elsewhere - with people who know how to show up consistently and communicatively. Don't waste your precious time and energy on time-wasters who disrespect your boundaries.

Invest in relationships with trustworthy folks who don't cyclically dip in and out of your life on a whim. You deserve partners who are all-in - or all-out. No more murky middle grounds that mess with your heart and self-esteem.

When someone submarines you, it's a blaring red banner of their own emotional stuntedness and issues with commitment. Don't take the bait by engaging in those impulse-driven patterns of neglect and pursuit. Recognize that cycle for the toxicity it represents, and respect yourself enough to swim on to healthier relational horizons.

Life's too short and your heart too precious to waste swimming in circles with people who can't appreciate the full scope of your depths. Stake your worth on those who are equally ready to go all-in without the exhausting tides of hot-and-cold. Submarining is a body of water better left unmuddied 🌊