Stonewalling is a relationship killer. It's not just giving someone the silent treatment, it's shutting down completely. No talking, no listening, just a big wall built between you. This hurts the relationship badly – it makes you feel alone and unheard, and it builds up anger and resentment.
Left unchecked, this insidious silence erodes relationships by:
Fostering isolation and separation where trust once formed. Depriving the desiring-of-connection partner needed affirmation, understanding, and conflict resolution, leading to resentment brewing.
Wounding with feelings of unworthiness since needs clearly don’t matter enough to the stonewaller to make an effort. Halting all moving forward around reconciliation.
According to researcher Dr. Gottman, stonewalling sits among the “four horsemen of the relationship apocalypse” because it often precipitates relationships ending or creates enough inner havoc to destabilize once solid bonds.
But by recognizing, discussing, and gaining skills for managing this destructive pattern, couples can reverse potential damage, rediscover lost intimacy, and build emotionally connected relationships that thrive.
Why Do People Stonewall?
Imagine feeling so overwhelmed by a fight or criticism that your body freaks out. Your heart races, blood pumps, and stress hormones surge. It's like your body's saying, "Fight, flight, or freeze!"
Some people, instead of yelling or running, choose to freeze. That's actually what stonewalling is – they shut down to protect themselves from the emotional overload and calm down. They might even think they're avoiding more conflict by staying quiet.
So, next time someone seems to build a wall out of silence, remember: it might not be about you, it's about their internal struggle.
Stonewalling can also be influenced by various factors, such as personality, gender, and history.
People react differently to tough conversations. Some people just aren't built for talking things out. Some, like introverts or those who feel emotions deeply, might struggle to express themselves and find silence easier. Maybe they're shy, easily overwhelmed, or just avoid messy situations. For them, silence can be an easier "out" than facing tough emotions or tricky conversations.
It's not always just their personality, though. Sometimes, silence isn't just a preference, it's a coping mechanism. Maybe, it's how people were raised or what they've been through can make silence their go-to response. If they grew up in a family where talking things out wasn't encouraged, or if they've been hurt by someone close, shutting down might feel like the safest option.
And hey, even guys sometimes struggle with expressing their feelings. This can be especially true for men. Studies have also shown that men, especially in straight relationships, tend to stonewall more often than women. Society kinda tells them to be tough and silent, so it's no wonder some turn to silence when things get heated.
The important thing to remember is that silence doesn't always mean someone doesn't care. Sometimes, it just means they need a different way to connect.
The Damaging Effects of Stonewalling
Stonewalling can seriously damage your relationship over time.
Here's why:
• It breeds resentment. When you're repeatedly shut out, it's only natural to become frustrated and angry. Those negative feelings will build up and fester, creating distance between you two. It's a form of control. By refusing to engage, the stonewaller maintains the upper hand in the relationship. They decide when and if a discussion continues, and that imbalance of power can become unhealthy.
• It leads to loss of intimacy. Communication is the lifeline of a relationship. Without it, you can't connect emotionally or physically, and you risk drifting apart.
• It makes problems worse. Issues don't disappear when ignored; they only get bigger. Stonewalling prevents you from working through challenges together in a constructive way.
• It's emotionally damaging. Being stonewalled by someone you care about can be incredibly hurtful. It leaves you questioning the relationship and your own self-worth.
The good news is that stonewalling is a habit that can be broken. It will take work, patience and commitment from both sides, but improving communication and reconnecting emotionally is well worth the effort. Speak up, express how their silence makes you feel, and suggest relationship counseling. Compromise and really listening to understand the other person's perspective can help defuse the underlying issues fueling the stonewalling. With time and conscious effort, the silent treatment can become a thing of the past.
How to Respond When Your Partner Stonewalls You
Through Dr. Gottman’s years studying conflict, specific resolution methods get proven effective specifically increasing friendship, romance and communication fulfillment while decreasing negative behaviors like criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling.
When your partner gives you the silent treatment, it can be frustrating and hurtful. Here are some tips for responding in a constructive way:
Stay calm and composed.
Reacting angrily or aggressively will only make the situation worse. Take some deep breaths to avoid escalating the conflict. Respond in a respectful, measured tone.
Address the stonewalling directly.
Gently but firmly tell your partner that their silence is unacceptable and damaging to your relationship. Say something like, "I understand you may need some space, but ignoring me won't solve anything. We need to talk through this." Your partner may not even realize how hurtful the silent treatment is. Bringing it to their attention is the first step.
Give them some space before trying to engage.
While the silent treatment is not okay, your partner may need time to process their feelings. Wait until tensions have diffused, then approach them to start a constructive
dialogue. Say "I'm here and willing to listen whenever you're ready to talk." Make it clear you want to move past the standstill.
Compromise and find common ground.
When you do start communicating again, express how their silence makes you feel but also listen to their perspective. Look for areas you agree on and build from there. Be willing to sincerely apologize for your part. Focus the discussion on how to resolve the underlying issue together.
Seek counseling if stonewalling is an ongoing problem.
If the silent treatment happens frequently in your relationship and communication remains stuck, consider seeing a counselor. A therapist can help uncover the reasons for the stonewalling behavior, give you strategies to improve communication as a couple, and determine if the relationship is ultimately salvageable. With work, stonewalling can often be overcome. The key is being willing to put in the effort to build a healthier dynamic.
When to Seek Couples Counseling for Stonewalling Issues
If stonewalling has become an ongoing issue in your relationship and is causing significant problems, it may be time to consider couples counseling. Here are some signs that counseling could help:
Communication has broken down.
If you and your partner can no longer have a constructive conversation about the relationship and stonewalling is the default response, counseling can help build communication skills and set ground rules for healthier discussions.
Trust has been damaged.
Repeated stonewalling can damage the foundation of trust in a relationship. A counselor can help you work through hurt and betrayal, rebuild trust, and find ways to be more emotionally open and vulnerable with each other again.
Unresolved issues are piling up.
If you have ongoing unaddressed issues in the relationship that continue to be stonewalled, counseling provides a structured environment to work through them one by one with the help of a professional.
The cycle feels impossible to break.
If you have tried to address the stonewalling on your own to no avail, a counselor has the expertise to help determine the underlying causes of the behavior and give you strategies tailored to your unique situation. They can also hold you accountable to make progress.
You need a mediator.
Sometimes an objective third party is needed to help mediate, especially if conversations quickly become heated or confrontational. A counselor can make sure both partners feel heard and help translate each other's perspectives.
While stonewalling is a habit that can be hard to break, counseling has been shown to be very effective for overcoming communication barriers and reconnecting emotionally in relationships. Don't hesitate to seek professional help if you need it-your relationship is worth the investment.
Tips to Stop Your Own Stonewalling Habits
When you find yourself stonewalling in a relationship, it's important to recognize it and make a conscious effort to change. Here are some tips to help stop your stonewalling habits:
Listen actively
Pay close attention to your partner when they want to talk, make eye contact, and avoid distractions. Ask follow up questions to show you understand them and are engaged in the conversation. Summarize what they've said to confirm you've understood their perspective.
Stay calm
Do not get defensive or attack your partner in response. Take deep breaths to remain calm and rational. React in a respectful, thoughtful manner instead of an emotional one. Getting worked up will likely only make the situation worse.
Share your feelings
Express how their behavior makes you feel without accusing or insulting them. Use "I" statements, like "I feel frustrated when you don't respond" rather than "You always ignore me." Share your desire to work through issues together.
Compromise
Be willing to meet your partner halfway to resolve disagreements. No one gets their way completely. Look for solutions you can both agree on to satisfy each other's main interests or needs.
Commit to change
Make a sincere effort to alter behaviors and communication patterns that contribute to stonewalling. It will be difficult, but improving your relationship is worth it. Ask your partner for input on what you can do differently to avoid stonewalling and be receptive to their feedback. With regular practice of active listening, staying calm, sharing feelings, and compromising, you can overcome your tendency to stonewall. Breaking this harmful habit will lead to a healthier and happier relationship.
Healing stonewalling requires understanding, effort, and willingness from both parties seeking deeper connectivity. Slip ups swinging to old patterns likely will transpire while building new muscle memory around emotional presence.
But hold faith progress surpasses perfection. Consistently circle back to conversations of impact when withdrawal repeats, keep voicing experience vulnerably paired with positive example requests not just criticisms of issues, and remain willing to provide love when ego least wants to extend it.
Hearts open to healing can transform the most embedded wounds but it necessitates courage on both sides - the harmed and the one harming.
By pouring consistent care into the cracks stonewalling created, with time, the right tools, and professional support guiding communication work, fissures between partners get rebuilt into foundations that are stronger and fulfilling that are all key players long-term.
About the Author
Sheravi Mae Galang is a Filipino psychometrician and writer who delves into the complexities of love and relationships. With a Bachelor's Degree in Psychology and a current pursuit of a Master's Degree in Clinical Psychology, she explores human relationships, focusing on the psychology behind attachments, communication, personal growth, and more. Sheravi aims to increase understanding of the factors that influence relationships in order to help people nurture stronger bonds.
You can connect with her through email (sheravimaegalang@gmail.com).
