Things are going great with your partner, and then BOOM!
You start pushing them away for no clear reason.
If this sounds familiar, you could be self-sabotaging without even realizing it.
How do I know if I'm self-sabotaging my relationship?
Here are 5 signs you're standing in the way of your own happiness:
1. You pick fights over nothing.
One minute you're cuddling on the couch, and the next you're screaming about how they never take out the trash. Deep down, you know you're overreacting, but you can't seem to stop yourself. These blowups over small things often mask bigger, unaddressed issues. By creating chaos and conflict, you may be subconsciously trying to derail the relationship
2. You flirt with others constantly.
Harmless flirting is one thing, but if you're incapable of shutting it down when it goes too far, you may be subconsciously trying to mess things up. Flirting scratches that validation itch while also planting seeds of doubt about your faithfulness. You may crave the temporary ego boost flirting provides, even if it means risking your relationship's stability.
3. You bring up the past 24/7.
We all have baggage, but if you keep dredging up past mistakes instead of living in the present, resentment will slowly poison what you have. Holding onto anger and hurt from ages ago prevents you from being emotionally present. You may unconsciously rehash old issues as a way to keep your guard up and not let your partner fully in.
4. You refuse to compromise.
Relationships aren't about one person always getting their way. If you stubbornly reject ANY compromise, you're sending the message you don't care about your partner's needs. A refusal to budge on even the smallest issues hints at control issues. You may fear that giving in means losing a part of yourself, so you self-protectively shoot down any potential compromise.
5. You avoid making future plans.
When was the last time you enthusiastically discussed going on a trip together or hitting a life milestone? If the idea of making long-term plans makes you squirm, you may be afraid of commitment. Keeping things temporary and casual limits the risk of getting hurt down the line. Future plans imply locking someone in for the long haul, which can feel terrifying.
6. You push your partner away.
When things start getting too close or serious, you may unconsciously start withdrawing affection, acting distant, or creating space between you and your partner. Shutting down emotionally keeps them at arm's length and sabotages intimacy. You may crave the closeness, but also deeply fear having your heart broken, so you preemptively push them away as a defense mechanism.
The bottom line? Having a few of these thoughts is normal, but if they become uncontrollable patterns, you need to get real with yourself. Sabotaging your relationship often stems from a fear of being hurt or losing your identity. Recognizing the behavior is the first step!
What causes self-sabotaging behavior in relationships?
Self-sabotaging behavior in relationships can stem from a variety of deep-rooted causes:
1. Fear of abandonment
If you've experienced abandonment in the past, whether from a previous partner, parent or caregiver, it can create an unconscious belief that you're unworthy of love. You may unknowingly push your partner away or pick fights as a way to confirm this core fear and make the inevitable "abandonment" happen on your own terms. By withdrawing first, you protect yourself from getting too invested and being the one left behind.
2. Lack of self-worth
Those with low self-esteem often struggle to believe they deserve a loving, stable relationship. Running from commitment or finding flaws in an otherwise caring partner allows you to escape feeling vulnerable. Self-sabotage perpetuates the negative self-talk that you aren't good enough, so it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
3. Trust issues
When you've been betrayed or hurt in the past, it's natural to have trouble opening up again. Trust issues can cause you to keep partners at arm's length, pick apart their every action, or constantly accuse them of untrustworthiness - essentially doom the relationship as a defensive measure. You'd rather end it yourself than be blindsided by heartbreak again.
4. Fear of engulfment
For some, particularly those from enmeshed families, the idea of merging lives with a partner creates anxiety about losing their identity. Sabotaging the relationship is a way to hold onto independence and separateness. Getting too close can subconsciously feel like a loss of self.
5. Comfort in chaos
If you grew up in an unpredictable, high-drama household, chaos may paradoxically feel "comfortable" and stable. People used to tumultuous relationships may unconsciously stir up drama as that matches their insecure attachment patterning from childhood. Peace and healthy relating can actually make them uneasy.
The root causes run deep, but recognizing these patterns is the first step to addressing the underlying wounds driving self-sabotaging behaviors. With self-awareness and often professional support, it's possible to overcome these destructive tendencies.
6. Desire for control
Self-sabotaging can also be driven by a need to retain control in the relationship dynamic. By creating problems or backing away, you dictate the terms and protect yourself from being vulnerable and dependent on your partner. Subconsciously undermining their commitment allows you to hold the power, even if it means sacrificing intimacy.
The root causes run deep, but recognizing these patterns is the first step to addressing the underlying wounds driving self-sabotaging behaviors. With self-awareness and often professional support, it's possible to overcome these destructive tendencies.
Is self-sabotaging a trauma response?
Yes, self-sabotaging behavior in relationships can often be a trauma response, especially for those who have experienced emotional or psychological trauma in the past. Past hurts, betrayals, and adverse childhood experiences can create defense mechanisms designed to avoid future pain. Pushing partners away, creating chaos, or confirming negative core beliefs about oneself is the mind's way of regaining a sense of safety and control. While self-destructive, these patterns make sense through a trauma lens as ways to prevent re-wounding.
Is self-sabotage toxic?
Absolutely, self-sabotaging patterns are extremely toxic and damaging, both to oneself and one's relationships. Consciously or not, undermining your own happiness and pushing away loved ones is inherently unhealthy behavior. These acts of self-destruction erode trust, breed resentment, and can create long-lasting emotional scars for both partners. Self-sabotage is toxic because it's rooted in fear instead of vulnerability and perpetuates dysfunctional relating patterns.
Is self-sabotage a mental illness?
No, self-sabotaging behavior alone is not classified as a distinct mental illness. However, it can be a symptom or maladaptive coping mechanism tied to other mental health conditions like depression, anxiety, PTSD, personality disorders (e.g. BPD), and more. Self-sabotage may manifest as part of deeper psychological struggles and unresolved trauma. While not an illness itself, these self-defeating patterns can severely impact day-to-day functioning and relationships when left unaddressed.
How can I stop sabotaging my relationship?
Here are some tips for stopping self-sabotaging behaviors in your relationship:
1. Get to the root
Spend time reflecting on where these destructive patterns stem from - was it an insecure childhood, past betrayals, or core feelings of unworthiness? Getting to the root of emotional causes is key for breaking the cycle.
2. Challenge negative thoughts
Our minds can distort reality with cognitive biases like catastrophizing. When you notice yourself spiraling into negative assumptions about your partner or the relationship, pause and realistically challenge those thoughts.
Build self-worth
Low self-esteem is often what drives us to unconsciously confirm our deepest insecurities. Work on building unconditional self-love through positive affirmations, self-care practices, and surrounding yourself with supportive loved ones.
Communicate openly
Instead of letting resentment build through bottled emotions, voice your fears, needs and boundaries to your partner. Open communication breeds understanding and can reframe conflicts from "disasters" into normal relationship hurdles.
Let go of the past
Replaying old hurts and traumas will prevent you from being present with your current partner. Work towards radical acceptance of what's passed, and focus your energy on the here-and-now.
Consider therapy
Therapy can be immensely helpful for unraveling childhood conditioning and breaking patterns of self-sabotage. Having an unbiased third party provide perspective and strategies creates self-awareness.
Be patient
Overcoming deep-rooted defense mechanisms is no easy feat - it takes committed practice. When you slip into old ways, don't beat yourself up, but use it as an opportunity to course-correct.
The first step is recognizing that you have the power to heal these wounds. With self-compassion and the right tools, you can escape this cycle of self-sabotage.
How to deal with a self-sabotaging partner
Here are some tips for dealing with a partner who tends to self-sabotage in the relationship:
Don't take it personally
Remember that their self-sabotaging behaviors are likely stemming from their own insecurities, fears, and past pains - not anything you've done. Avoid internalizing their actions as a reflection of you or your worth.
Set boundaries clearly
When they push you away or create drama, calmly reinforce your boundaries about what is and isn't acceptable treatment. Don't engage with the sabotaging behavior itself.
Offer reassurance
Self-sabotage is often rooted in a fear of abandonment or the belief they don't deserve love. Remind them you aren't going anywhere and this relationship is important to you when they're in a calmer headspace.
Suggest professional help
For deep-rooted patterns, it may be helpful for your partner to seek counseling or therapy to unpack the root causes driving their self-sabotage. You can't "fix" them, but a therapist can provide meaningful guidance.
Don't sacrifice self-care
While supporting your partner, ensure you still prioritize your own needs, boundaries and self-care. Their self-sabotage isn't an excuse for mistreatment - you have to protect your own well-being.
Have an exit plan
If the behaviors become abusive or your partner refuses to address the issues, have a plan for removing yourself from the unhealthy situation, at least temporarily. Ultimatums can sometimes motivate real change.
With consistent reassurance, patience and your own emotional regulation, the self-sabotaging partner may slowly feel safe enough to examine and change their patterns over time. But you can't force healing - the choice has to be theirs.
Overcoming patterns of self-sabotage in relationships is no easy task. It requires immense self-awareness, patience, and a real commitment to breaking unhealthy cycles. However, the reward of achieving a loving, secure relationship makes it worth the hard work. Whether you're struggling with these behaviors yourself or supporting a partner, don't lose hope. With professional guidance, introspection, and mutual compassion, it's possible to heal the root core wounds and transform self-defeating patterns into self-empowering ones. The path isn't linear, but staying the course and prioritizing your wellbeing allows the possibility of healthy, fulfilling love to blossom.
About the Author
Sheravi Mae Galang is a Content Coordinator for the Couply app. Couply was created to help couples improve their relationships. Couply has over 300,000 words of relationship quizzes, questions, couples games, and date ideas and helps over 400,000 people. You can connect with her through email here.
