Harsh truth time: Many of us have a nasty habit of contorting ourselves into human pretzels in the pursuit of coupledom, losing our sense of self along the way in relationships. From minimizing obvious dealbreakers to overfunctioning in the hopes of "fixing" our partners, we've all made decisions in relationships that likely had our friends shouting "DROP 'EM!" from the sidelines.
Sure, we're all bound to mess up from time to time when it comes to love. But being able to recognize some of the most common pitfalls and blind spots ladies slip into? That's the first step to leveling up relational self-awareness and attracting higher quality partnerships.
Let's dive into some of the biggest ones, shall we?
1. Losing Self-Identity
Explanation: I mean, we have probably been there - getting so caught up in #RelationshipBliss that we slowly but surely start shedding precious pieces of our own identity. From shelving hobbies and dreams to subconsciously start mirroring every single interest or opinion our partner has, women have a nasty tendency to morph into real-life chameleons once we catch feelings.
Consequences: Here's the deal though - sacrificing your authenticity on the altar of coupledom isn't just a major buzzkill for your personal happiness and growth, it's also low-key disastrous for the relationship in the long run. When you lose touch with the quirky, multi-faceted essence of who you are, resentments start to brew. Before you know it, you're living for the weekend girls' nights out as your only respite from feeling tensioned and suffocated.
Advice: The fix? Fiercely guarding your sense of self is crucial for lasting relationship thrills. So carve out regular me-time for solo passions and friend hangs. Speak up if certain hobbies or interests fall by the wayside after coupling up. And if bae can't embrace and celebrate the fullness of who you are - quirky idiosyncrasies and all - that's a red flag bigger than a Tindering U-Haul.
2. Over-Communicating
Explanation: We all know that magical little thing called ~communication~ is oxygen for any healthy partnership. But take it too far into over-sharing everything territory, and you risk driving your partner to the brink of actual insanity. We've all been that girlfriend spiraling over a short text response or vague social media activity. News flash - not every insignificant blip is something that needs addressing.
Consequences: By voicing every fleeting thought or concern, you're creating a low-key chaotic environment where real issues get lost in the noise. Not only is it exhausting for your partner to endlessly reassure you over tiny uncertainties, it sets the precedent that you'll freak out over any little thing. Talk about a recipe for toxicity!
Advice: Mastering the delicate balance of open communication while still allowing room for personal boundaries is key. Get comfy with identifying your own insecure triggers versus what's actually worth addressing with your S.O. Then have those convos from a centered, non-reactive place whenever possible. Oh, and feeling secure enough to give each other space and separateness? *chef's kiss* to that emotional maturity.
3. Neglecting Boundaries
Explanation: When the intoxicating fog of new love kicks in, even the most boundary-blessed among us can start slipping up. Suddenly we're over-sharing every intimate detail with our besties, dropping previous standards, or willingly contorting ourselves into partner-pleasing pretzels - all in the name of "compromise" and feeding the ~passion~.
Consequences: Here's the hard truth, though - neglecting to enforce your boundaries is basically giving a giant "Walk All Over Me" welcome mat to any partner. A sustained pattern inevitably leads to eroded self-respect and festering resentments on one or both sides. Keeping it too loose with your non-negotiables is a death nell for reciprocated admiration in a relationship.
Advice: Protecting your values, energetic/physical space, and overall sense of self is crucial, no matter how deliciously love-struck you feel. So get clear on your dealbreakers and dealmakers, communicate them assertively, and stick TF to them. Don't be afraid to lovingly re-iterate boundaries that get momentarily crossed. The right partner will respect you for honoring your needs.
4. Expecting Mind Reading
Explanation: We've all gazed wistfully at our S.O. at some point and thought "If they really know me, they'll surprise me with X" or assign hidden meaning to hints and coded language. News flash - expecting your partner to constantly read between the lines is like hoping they'll spontaneously develop X-ray vision or immortality.
Consequences: Constantly expecting mind reading is a one-way ticket to a world of disappointment, miscommunication, and unnecessary conflicts. When you bottle up desires or don't voice your needs directly, you're willingly setting yourself up for a letdown. An undercurrent of bitterness and unfulfilled expectations can torpedo even the strongest relationship.
Advice: Do everyone a favor and get radically clear about your wants/needs through open and direct dialogue. None of this coded language stuff - use your words! Let your partner know exactly what's on your mind, without leaving room for interpretation. And hey, lowering the psychological guesswork bar may even open up some sweet surprise-giving opportunities when you least expect it.
5. Focusing Too Much on the Future
Explanation: You've been there - deliriously caught up in those intoxicating early love bomber stages of a blossoming romance. You're living in a dreamy, NRE-hazed present...when suddenly your girly brain starts manically updating its internal database with potential future scenarios. Where will this lead? When do I get promoted to GF status? Can I see myself married to this person, having babies, walking off into the sunset as wrinkly old bats together?
Consequences: Here's the thing - getting way too ahead of yourself fixating on the "what ifs" and making future plans with someone you barely know is a surefire way to torpedo that glorious, slow burn of organic development. Not only does it create unrealistic pressures and expectations, you completely miss out on being fully immersed in the here and now with your partner.
Advice: As tough as it is, work on staying present and resisting the urge to plot out your entire life timeline after just a handful of dates. Practice some mindfulness strategies to anchor yourself in the current moment you're actually experiencing. Let the relationship unfold at its own deliciously low-stakes pace. The right situation will reveal itself in its own time without needing to be forced or projected onto.
6. Overanalyzing and Overthinking
Explanation: We've all been there after a less-than-peachy interaction or date - relentlessly dissecting every crumb of body language, conversational blip, and unanswered text as we spiral into a vortex of angst and insecurity. Overanalyzing the tiny little behavioral details of our partner is a habit many of us ladies indulge in to no good end.
Consequences: Spending too much time in your own inner narration and playing Mental Tetris with nonexistent problems is a draining mind f*&k. You're essentially manifesting doubts and issues that likely aren't even valid from an outside perspective. This anxious, hyper-attuned state fuels unhealthy relationship insecurity while pushing many a partner toward the exits.
Advice: Do yourself a favor and get radically real with separating real concerns from brain worms that serve no purpose. If an issue crops up that warrants a convo, have it from a centered place rather than an anxious, hyper-analyzed one. Otherwise, work on letting little things be just that - little things not worth stressing over. A regular mindfulness practice can work wonders for loosening the death grip of constant overanalysis.
9. Extreme Emotions
Explanation: Whether it's the euphoric highs of early infatuation or the corpse-reviving rage over a perceived wrongdoing, lots of us ladies have a tendency to exist at the emotional extremes when it comes to romantic partnerships. We're either deliriously lovesick and convinced this person hangs every single star, or absolutely gutted and plotting an unhinged linen story-worthy revenge scheme.
Consequences: Allowing ourselves to get wildly swept up in extreme emotional highs and lows sets the stage for dramas, instability, and unhealthy relationship dynamics. Cycling between idealization and devaluation erodes trust and emotional safety. Intense outbursts or meltdowns can damage intimacy and leave both partners walking on eggshells.
Advice: Do yourself a favor and get grounded in the balanced middle. Sure, relationships rouse all the big beat-you-over-the-head feelings - that's part of the thrill. But swinging wildly from one dramatic emotional pole to the other is exhausting for everyone involved. Practice mindfulness, take some meditative pauses, and try to resist the urge to emotionally overreact or over-identify with any single feeling state.
10. Asking for Their Partner to Change
Explanation: We've all been there - getting deep into a relationship and realizing there are some aesthetics, habits or personality quirks in our partner that low-key bug us. And because we *definitely* have pure intentions, it's tempting to try lovingly encouraging them to self-improve in those areas. If they could just [insert tweak we desire here], everything would be *perfect.*
Consequences: Entering a relationship with the goal of trying to fundamentally change core traits in your partner is ultimately an exercise in futility - and codependency. It creates unrealistic expectations that breed resentment when the other person inevitably doesn't meet all your projected hopes for their self-improvement. You end up loving who you wish they were, rather than accepting their authentic self.
Advice: Tread extremely carefully here. Beyond inspiring someone to grow in mutually-benefiting ways, no amount of selfless suggesting or persuading will fundamentally alter someone's core identity or values. Nor should it! Entering a partnership with a ulterior motive of overhauling your person is a recipe for toxicity. Either accept them as the beautifully flawed human they are, or re-evaluate whether you two are truly compatible.
11. Creating Drama
Explanation: There's a certain strain of us women who get a twisted sense of validation from heated conflicts, stormy blowout fights, or manufactured drama with our partners. Maybe it's years of dysfunctional role modeling or a subconscious need to feel desired and clung to - whatever the reason, stirring up dust devils where there need be none is an easy way to create drama.
Consequences: Whether it's manufactured fights, emotional hot-and-cold games, or a general current of chaos, needlessly creating drama and conflict poisons the foundation of any healthy partnership. It erodes trust, psychological safety, and often stems from unresolved insecurities that should be addressed individually. Constant turbulence leaves both people feeling unstable, anxious, and questioning the relationship's validity.
Advice: Here's the truth though - that relentless chaos-chasing doesn't foster true intimacy or lasting passion. In fact, it often stems from unresolved insecurities and maladaptive patterns we'd be much better off addressing solo, without using our romantic relationships as arenas. Prioritize levelheaded communication, rein in tendencies to pick fights out of boredom, and work on getting your emotional validation from healthier sources.
Loving partnerships require continuous self-work, presence and healthy boundaries on both sides. By getting radically honest about some of our unhealthy coping mechanisms and allowing relationships to be growth catalysts, we open the door to deeper, more fulfilling intimacy. Sure, messing up and backsliding is part of the human journey - but conscious efforts to rise above repeated errors becomes the path to attracting and sustaining the authentic love we all crave.
