Community Question: How can you get your partner trust you again if you broke their trust? 

In our last webinar, we had a number of questions from the audience that we wanted to take some time to answer properly. As we do more work and launch a podcast with experts and therapists; we’re also opening up more questions from the Couply community – these are anonymous questions and the link is above and– click  here to ask your relationship question to an expert. 

Understanding the importance of trust in a relationship

Trust is the cornerstone of any successful relationship.

‍When it is broken, it can result in hurt, resentment, and a damaged bond between partners. However, with genuine effort and dedication, you can rebuild trust and restore the sense of security and intimacy that may have been lost.

It is the foundation upon which all successful relationships are built! When that trust is broken, it can be very challenging to regain it. Betrayal can cause intense pain, anger, and confusion in your partner. Rebuilding trust takes time, effort, and lots and lots of patience. It requires honesty, commitment, and a willingness to work through the underlying issues that led to the betrayal. Depending on the breach of trust, it won’t always be a quick road to repair. You’re rebuilding the road. It’s hard work. 

As therapist Esther Perel says, "trust is a fragile thing, but it can be restored through the willingness to show up and the commitment to keep showing up." 

Trust is important in relationships because it allows partners to:

  • Be honest with each other
  • Communicate openly and effectively
  • Support each other through difficult times
  • Make decisions together
  • Build a strong and lasting relationship

Identifying the reasons for the loss of trust

There are many reasons why trust can be lost in a relationship. Some of the most common reasons include:

  • Betrayal: This includes things like cheating, lying, or breaking a promise. Betrayal is one of the most damaging things that can happen to a relationship, and it can be very difficult to rebuild trust after it has been broken.
  • Poor communication: When partners do not communicate effectively, it can lead to misunderstandings and resentment. This can erode trust over time.
  • Lack of respect: When partners do not respect each other, it can lead to them feeling undervalued and unsupported. This can also damage trust over time.
  • Addiction: Addiction can lead to problems in all areas of a person's life, including their relationships. Addicts may lie, steal, or cheat in order to get their fix. This can destroy trust in a relationship.
  • Mental health issues: Some mental health issues, such as anxiety and depression, can make it difficult for people to trust others. If you are struggling with a mental health issue, it is important to seek professional help.

5 Ways on How to Regain Your Partner's Trust

1. Take Responsibility

Taking responsibility for your actions is an essential first step in rebuilding trust. Acknowledge the pain that you have caused and the impact it has had on your partner. According to therapist Liz Higgins, "Apologize and own your behavior. Don't blame your partner, don't excuse it, don't justify it. Just own it."

Research has shown that accepting responsibility can lead to greater relationship satisfaction. People who take responsibility for their actions are more likely to have successful relationships.

2. Be Honest Moving Forward

Honesty is the cornerstone of trust. It is crucial to be transparent and truthful in all your dealings with your partner moving forward. Even if a truth is difficult to share, it is so much better to be honest and upfront than to hide things or deceive your partner.

According to therapist Nicole Arzt, "Honesty is always the best policy. If you're serious about regaining your partner's trust, honesty is key to move forward."

3. Follow Through on Promises

Following through on your words; promises big and small is crucial in rebuilding trust. If you make a commitment to your partner, it is essential to keep that promise. However, making and keeping promises can help rebuild trust over time.

According to therapist Rachel Wright, "Following through on promises shows that you are reliable and dependable. It demonstrates that you take your partner's needs seriously and that you are committed to rebuilding trust."

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It means showing up, being dependable and being a person who keeps to their word. Depending on how big the breach of trust was, you may need to think of the relationship as a new relationship entirely. You and your partner may be rebuilding together up from ground zero.

4. Communicate Openly

Open communication is essential in rebuilding trust. It is crucial to be open and honest about your feelings and really this is so important; listen actively to your partner's concerns. This can help build understanding, empathy, and when this meshes with actions and words matching up – this builds trust.

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So let’s talk about this. Can you show your partner you care about them, will listen to them and show up for them? Will you engage with their fears and be there for them? These are the things that build trust.

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We have a ton of resources in Couply for this; if you haven’t done it yet, taking the Enhancing Communication course in Couply will help do this.

According to therapist Samantha Burns, "Open communication is the key to rebuilding trust. It's important to have regular check-ins with your partner and to discuss how you're feeling. This can help prevent misunderstandings and build a stronger connection."

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Use the Check-In feature on Couply as often as you need to track each of your feelings and review how you feel over time. Using this feature allows you to track progress and see how things improve.

5. Be Patient

Rebuilding trust takes time, and it is essential to be patient. It may take months or even years to fully regain your partner's trust. If there was a major breach of trust there will be relapses, flashbacks and times when it all comes rushing back. 

Trust-building exercises and activities

In addition to the tips above, there are a number of trust-building exercises and activities that you can do with your partner. Here are a few examples:

  • Vulnerability journal: Start a vulnerability journal where you write down things that you are afraid to share with your partner. When you are feeling ready, share your journal with your partner and let them know why you were afraid to tell them these things.
  • Truth or dare: Play a game of truth or dare with your partner. This can be a fun way to learn more about each other and to build trust.
  • Eye gazing: Sit across from your partner and look into their eyes for five minutes without saying anything. This can be a powerful way to connect with your partner and to build trust.
  • Communication exercises: There are a variety of communication exercises that you can do with your partner to improve your communication skills. These exercises can help you to learn how to communicate more effectively and to listen to each other with empathy.
  • Couple therapy: If you are struggling to rebuild trust on your own, consider seeking professional help from a therapist or counselor. They can teach you skills and strategies for improving your communication, resolving conflict, and rebuilding trust.

Rebuilding trust in a long-distance relationship

Rebuilding trust in a long-distance relationship can be challenging, but it is possible with time and effort. Here are some tips:

  • Be honest and open. This means being truthful with your partner about your thoughts, feelings, and actions. It also means being open about your past and your future plans.
  • Be reliable. This means keeping your promises and following through on your commitments. It also means being there for your partner when they need you, even though you are physically apart.
  • Be respectful. This means treating your partner with kindness and consideration. It also means valuing their opinions and feelings.
  • Communicate regularly. It is important to communicate with your partner regularly, even if it is just for a few minutes each day. This can help you to stay connected and to build trust.
  • Make video calls. Video calls can help you to feel more connected to your partner and to see their body language and facial expressions. This can help you to better understand their emotions and to build trust.
  • Plan visits. Seeing each other in person is important for building and maintaining trust in a long-distance relationship. Plan visits as often as possible, even if it is just for a weekend.
  • Seek professional help. If you are struggling to rebuild trust on your own, consider seeking professional help from a therapist or counselor. They can teach you skills and strategies for improving your communication, resolving conflict, and rebuilding trust.

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It is crucial to be consistent in your actions and to continue working on rebuilding trust, even when progress seems slow.

According to therapist Kiaundra Jackson, "Rebuilding trust takes time, and it's important to be patient. It's not going to happen overnight, but if you're consistent in your efforts, you can rebuild the trust that was lost."

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Finally, we have Building Trust I and Building Trust II courses in Couply that are designed for you and your partner to work though together, ask the hard questions and do the hard work. As we continue to grow we will have more trust-based mini-courses on a further array of topics!

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Rebuilding trust after a breach can be a challenging process, but it is possible with the right mindset, effort, and commitment. It requires both partners to work together, communicate openly, and be patient and understanding of each other's feelings. It may not happen overnight, but with consistent effort and a willingness to learn from mistakes, it is possible to restore trust and strengthen the relationship. 

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Remember, trust is not something that can be demanded or forced; it must be earned through actions and behavior over time. Stephen R. Covey once said, "Trust is the glue of life. It's the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It's the foundational principle that holds all relationships." 

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By taking the steps outlined above, you and your partner can work towards rebuilding that foundation and creating a stronger, more trusting relationship.

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References:

  • Doherty, W. J., & Levenson, R. W. (2003). Forgiveness, marriage, and the trajectory of marital satisfaction over time. Journal of Family Psychology, 17(2), 255–267. 
  • Gordon, K. C., Baucom, D. H., & Snyder, D. K. (2005). An integrative intervention for promoting recovery from extramarital affairs. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 31(2), 213–231. 
  • Johnson, S. M. (2004). The practice of emotionally focused couple therapy: Creating connection (2nd ed.). Routledge.
  • Kirby, J. S. (2019). Rebuilding trust in a relationship after betrayal. The Family Journal, 27(3), 256–262. 
  • Weiner-Davis, M. (2018). Divorce busting: A step-by-step approach to making your marriage loving again. Simon and Schuster.