Long distance relationships are an on-going topic for discussion. Either you’re just spending time scrolling through social media, or you are out and about with friends, the topic, more often than not, will come up. And when you’re in a relationship you can’t help but wonder the “what if” that distance can pose in your relationship one day. You never know if and when your relationship might have to turn into a long-distance relationship.
Naturally, there are more than one view on the subject, with the most common being “distance makes the heart grow fonder”.
Coming from someone who used to be in a long-distance relationship, this whole “distance makes the heart grow fonder” thing, in my personal opinion, is very relative. And just something that people tell you to feel better about your relationship. It’s not just the distance, it is everything else that makes the heart grow fonder, not exclusively the distance. But for all intents and purposes, I will entertain this possibility because I guess there are always exceptions to almost everything. Then of course I will tell you about my experience, because who doesn’t love a bit of gossip huh?
Apparently, 40% of couples break up due to distance. However, let’s keep in mind that this statistic comes from 2019 (because that was the most recent one I could find) so it was pre-covid times, and I think we can all agree that things have changed after the pandemic, including views and opinions on pretty much everything around us, and that could very well include long-distance relationships.
But at the end of the day, who knows, you might be able to make your long-distance relationship work. Do you think distance will make your heart grow fonder?
How Does Distance Make Your Heart Grow Fonder?
I guess we should start with the pros of distance in a relationship. After all, we are focusing on the whole “distance makes your heart grow fonder” thing.
Distance Makes The Heart Grow Fonder - Reason One:
Distance will make the heart grow fonder by appreciating each other more
It’s easy to take things and, well in this case, people for granted. When you see someone everyday, there is a chance that you will forget that sometimes life may get in the way and you forget to appreciate each other.
So while you are separated from your boo/ bae/ pookie or whatever cringe and yet weirdly cute nickname you may have for them, your time already spent together and all those shared moments you have created becomes even more important in your relationship. Each memory remembered will help you not take each other for granted, making these moments all the more precious for you. Simple things that you used to do with them like going for a drive or just a walk outside will make your heart grow fonder. Because it’s the simple things in life right? And distance is forbidding you from spending time with the one you love, you will miss them. More and more everyday. And of course you will learn to appreciate even more, everything that you got and will get to do with them, because your time (in a sense) is limited.
Knowing that you won’t be seeing each other everyday will give you the chance to realize your true feelings about each other and how deep your emotional connection runs which will then in turn help you appreciate each other a little more day-by-day. And hopefully you will stop taking each other for granted.
Some couples have reported that “The absence helps them to appreciate their partner more and makes the relationship stronger”
Distance Makes The Heart Grow Fonder - Reason Two:
Distance will make the heart grow fonder by (possibly) building your trust
It takes a lot of guts to be in a long-distance relationship. Trust is the cornerstone for those relationships, to help you maintain a strong connection. It’s not just about trusting your partner not to cheat, it’s also about being able to trust them to be there for you, that they are reliable and committed and honest towards you. It will obviously be hard without the regular face-to-face interactions, so it all relies on being transparent and open to each other.
For example (not the best but it still works), last year I was away for a 5-6 months, I wasn’t dating my boyfriend then, that happened after I came back, but it was very clear that we were interested in each other and were waiting for me to come back and see how it goes from there. So even though we weren’t dating, we would talk every day and night, communicating with him just came about so easy and it was also so easy to trust him with everything, and that’s coming from me as I am a very cautious person like seriously I probably have some serious trust issues, but I never did with him even when I was away and even when we weren’t even together yet. Because we managed to stay open and honest about how we felt for each other and the situation. And that trust stayed and we built our relationship from there. My point is, in a way, distance did help my heart grow fonder, but it’s worth pointing out that at that point we weren’t exclusive and that we knew exactly when we’d reunite without me having to leave again.
So as I said in the beginning, it’s all very relative in my opinion.
Distance Makes The Heart Grow Fonder - Reason Three:
Distance will make the heart grow fonder and create excitement for your next reunion!
When you’re in a long-distance relationship, there’s nothing better than knowing when you will finally get to see each other again. I remember when I first moved away I would count down the days before I finally would get to see my partner again. Things may get rough sometimes when you have the distance between you but once the time that you will finally get to see each other again is around the corner can actually be one of the best feelings ever. Even with my now boyfriend, when we weren’t even together while I was away, knowing that I’ll see him again and making plans for when we’ll finally reunite just gave me a sense of purpose I guess. Ugh, I know that’s a bit cheesy but it’s very much the truth.
These are all good reasons to support the “distance makes the heart grow fonder” claim, right?
However, it wouldn’t be fair if I only mention the goods. So, if you know that a long-distance relationship is in the store for you, then my sincere apologies for raining on your parade. But you have to be prepared for the worse too, you know.
Distance Does NOT Make The Heart Grow Fonder - Reason One:
Distance can, and most likely will, cause some challenges in your communication
When I was in a long-distance relationship, our biggest problem was communication. It was such a challenge that unfortunately, was never fully resolved. It started with both of us being busy and not having time to talk as much as we wanted, and then we also had a small time difference that considering our schedules and our sleep schedules, it also complicated things even more. Now of course it was expected that we’d have some communication issues as we were never the type of couple who liked interacting with texts, and sometimes there wasn’t even enough time to call so we knew what the problem was. We just couldn’t fix it. And to add to this, we had different communication styles and preferences, he wanted to text and call all the time when we were both free while I liked being a bit more independent and wanted to prioritize my alone time sometimes, and that caused a lot of fights. Now I know what some people might think, that maybe if I commit to a relationship then the relationship should be my priority, and I also know that some of you will also understand where I was coming from. Both arguments are very valid, and it’s important to remember that not everyone has the same opinions or the same needs. Just like not all couples are compatible. And that’s absolutely okay.
Oh, and let’s also remember that sometimes it’s quite easy to misinterpret the tone or intention through texting and that can lead to more arguments and misunderstandings that eventually will have an effect on your communication.
Thing is, in a relationship where distance plays a big part, communication is what holds the relationship together. Once problems arise, and they will, things will get even more difficult on top of everything else you might be feeling.
But it’s worth remembering that some couples are meant to and will be able to overcome the obstacle of long-distance communication challenges, and those who do, their hearts will grow fonder. It just takes a lot of energy, effort, time and patience to finally get to a point where your communication is not causing any more troubles in your relationship.
Distance Does NOT Make The Heart Grow Fonder - Reason Two:
Distance will make your heart feel lonely
That’s a very obvious thing to point out right?
When you are miles and miles away from your partner, for days on end, you will start feeling lonely eventually. That’s just the way it is unfortunately. Long-distance relationship couples will often start feeling lonely, isolated and a bit depressed when their special someone is away.
Apparently, according to statistics, 50% of couples in a long-distance relationship feel lonely, and that feelings like anger or anxiety are totally normal. And these feelings of loneliness will also probably get worse when you’re in an emotional vulnerable state or in a time of stress.
Ultimately, the only plausible way you can combat this is by being open and honest about the way you feel with your partner. Maybe arrange a video call where you just simply talk, or watch a movie to take away the tension and start feeling closer to them again.
Distance Does NOT Make The Heart Grow Fonder - Reason Three:
Distance will take away your physical intimacy
Did you know that physical touch can cause your brain to release oxytocin, which is most commonly known as the bonding hormone? Like, how cool is that? Not only that, but this in turn will then help release other feel-good hormones like dopamine and serotonin and reduce cortisol and norepinephrine (stress hormones). AND apparently some research has suggested that being physical can also lower your heart rate and blood pressure, boost your immune system and help with depression and anxiety.
So ultimately, physical intimacy can make you a happier, healthier person.
Now imagine being in a long-distance relationship without any physical intimacy whatsoever. If physical intimacy means being happy and healthy, and you remove that physical intimacy from the equation, then what does that leave you with? It leaves you feeling miserable and lonely and possibly even picking up a few unhealthy habits in order to fill that gap the lack of physical intimacy has left behind.
I remember a couple months after I moved away, my ex (then boyfriend obviously), had picked up smoking and when I asked him why, his reasoning was “Because I miss you”. I didn’t understand it then, I found it quite silly actually. Who willingly resorts to ruining their body just because they miss someone? But after a while it started to make sense. My unhealthy habit wasn’t as clear as his, mine was bottling things up in order to not feel like I’m being a burden, and it took me a while to acknowledge it, but once I started thinking about it, both these habits made a little more sense.
And I think that was a major reason as to why our hearts, or at least mine for sure, did not grow any fonder. Because I didn’t want to be in a relationship that eventually causes me to develop any habits that harm my mental and physical health. It may sound cruel I know, because physical intimacy isn’t everything in a relationship. But it was definitely a big part of it, so not being able to have that in my life anymore, did cause us to drift apart eventually.
Distance Does NOT Make The Heart Grow Fonder - Reason Four:
Distance carries the potential of making you jealous and insecure
I never used to be jealous and insecure. I just didn’t get why anyone will feel that way, like aren’t you supposed to trust your partner? Aren’t they with you because they want you and only you?
But I was gone for months on end, would go back just for a few weeks and then be gone for months or even a year sometimes, not knowing exactly when we’ll see each other again, so with time these feelings eventually started to develop. And that made me feel stupid, but I couldn’t help it.
These feelings stem from all the uncertainties of physical separation, and even the lack of physical intimacy. Being unable to immediately reassure and observe your partner’s behaviors firsthand will trigger doubts, fears and even trust issues about your commitment to each other and any possibilities of either one of you eventually being unfaithful. Especially when you know for a fact that in their social circle, there’s someone else that has expressed interest in your partner. Yes, that happened. And it made me feel even worse when he’d make jokes about it.
Thing was, his feelings of insecurity and jealousy were worse than mine. I was more of a calm personality and just casually mention that some things made me uncomfortable or sometimes even dismiss my feelings so as to avoid any possible fights. While he used to love making a big deal out of everything, the only difference was I was in a new place, a new country all on my own, with 1 or 2 new friends and no one else in my social circle, while he was going out with his friends and that one person who was interested in him almost every weekend or every other day.
So yeah, after a while I just got tired of feeling insecure and wondering whether I should be jealous or not, and of course that didn’t make my heart grow fonder. It just made me more distant that eventually I just lost feelings. And good for me honestly.
Now let’s get to the good part because I’m sure you would love to know more about what really happened with my long-distance relationship.
A Long Time Ago In A Galaxy Not That Far Far Away …
Distance Definitely Did Not Make My Heart Grow Fonder
As I’m sure you have picked up on by now, I had to move away while being in a one-year long relationship. I had to leave everything and almost everyone behind. At first, I guess distance did make our hearts grow fonder. Just for a while.
We had trouble with our communication from the start of the relationship, then I left and it slightly improved. But just for a few weeks. I don’t know how or why, I guess he was trying to understand how I must be feeling all alone in a new country and both of us knowing that we miss each other, that understanding just had to help improve our communication right? But then the arguments came along, and the sleepless nights, the constant calls during the fights and the constant hanging up. Why? I don’t even remember anymore. I’m sure we were both at fault most of the time and I know they were all stupid fights and then they turned out to be so damn toxic. Not even kidding, there was a point that our fights got so bad I just didn’t have the energy for anything, couldn’t eat and couldn’t sleep. Sometimes I even cried from the constant blaming, because I couldn’t for the life of me figure out how to fix it. Fun times.
So yeah, distance didn’t actually make our hearts grow fonder. It just pulled us apart, little by little, like torture. Distance didn’t improve our trust, it tore it down. Now I’m not saying it was all because of the distance, but I know it was definitely the trigger. Because if someone is going to cheat, they’re going to do it at some point anyway right?
So yes, it was his fault who cheated, and it was my fault for taking him back, but sometimes I wonder, would it have actually happened if distance was never part of our equation? Because my past self loved to try and take the blame for it and sometimes even today, when I know it had nothing to do with me, I still get this feeling, just for a fraction of a second, that maybe it was my fault too.
You know what’s really funny though? And that was absolutely 100% my stupid fault. That not only did I take him back, but we stayed together for like 3 maybe even 4 years after that. Even though with every big fight we had, we would break up half of the time. One time we were broken up for a month or so and I found out he was already dating someone else. Only a higher power knows why I took him back. Seriously banging my head against the wall right now at how naive and sad I used to be.
I got sidetracked didn’t I? Apologies, but we both know you’re still here for the tea.
So anyway, the point is with everything that had happened, with everything that was happening. Distance was just adding to it, and my heart wasn’t in it anymore. Distance did not make my heart grow fonder.
However, you have to remember that doesn’t mean that all long-distance relationships are doomed. Things are not predetermined, things are in your and your partner’s hands, and if you want it to work, then you will do everything in your power to make it work. You just need to be prepared for those extra things you will have to do, those extra challenges that normally you wouldn’t have to deal with if distance wasn’t a problem.
Who knows, maybe distance will make your heart grow fonder. I hope distance DOES make your heart grow fonder.
About the Author
Eirini Tsipou is a Content Coordinator for the Couply app. Couply was created to help couples improve their relationships. Couply has over 300,000 words of relationship quizzes, questions, couples games and date ideas and helps over 400,000 people.
Eirini Tsipou watches crime documentaries for fun, and is currently studying Bachelor’s Psychology at the University of Stirling.
You can connect with Eirini Tsipou on Instagram here or contact her through email.
