You know, the other day, I found out about this thing called "ethical non-monogamy" (or ENM for short). I have to admit, I'd never heard of it before, but the more I delved into it, the more curious I got. Apparently, it's all about having relationships that go beyond the traditional one-on-one model, but with a focus on consent, communication, honesty, and respect.
It seems like more and more people are exploring these alternative relationship styles, and I can see why. There's just so much diversity in how people can connect and care for one another. As someone who's always been interested in learning about different ways of living and loving, I wanted to dive a little deeper into the different types of ethical non-monogamy.
Join me, won't you?
1. Polyamory/Polyfidelity
First off, we have polyamory - the practice of having multiple romantic and/or sexual relationships with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. The core principles of polyamory are all about honesty, open communication, and the belief that it's possible to love more than one person at the same time.
Polyamorous setups can take many forms:
- Triads (three people)
- Quads (four people)
- Larger "polycules" with multiple interconnected partners
It's really up to the folks involved to figure out what works best for them.
Now, polyamory can have some great benefits, like the opportunity for deeper emotional connections and having your needs met by multiple partners. But it also comes with its own set of challenges, like managing jealousy and making sure everyone's getting their fair share of time and attention. Communication is key!
2. Throuple/Triad
Next is Throuple/Triad, a polyamorous relationship with three equal partners. In a throuple, all three individuals are romantically and/or sexually involved with one another, creating a tightly-knit trio.
For example,
A throuple or triad relationship of Alex, Jamie, and Tori. The three of them are all romantically and sexually involved with one another; it's a fully egalitarian, closed polyamorous unit. They make decisions together, share financial responsibilities, and build a life as equal partners.
This setup requires an incredible amount of communication, trust, and the ability to balance the needs of three people, but it can also be incredibly fulfilling for those who make it work.
3. Open Relationships
Next up, we've got open relationships. In these setups, partners agree to engage in sexual activities with others, while still maintaining that primary emotional and romantic bond. The boundaries and agreements can look pretty different from one open relationship to the next. Some couples might only allow encounters with pre-approved partners, while others have a more fluid approach. Open relationships can vary in their boundaries and agreements, from only allowing encounters with pre-approved partners to more fluid guidelines.
For example,
Sam and Parker have been together for years and have a strong, loving foundation. But they've also agreed to be open - which means they can engage in sexual activities with other people, as long as they're upfront about it and everyone is comfortable. Sam might go on a date with a new person they met online, while Parker has a standing arrangement with a long-term fuck buddy. The important thing is that they continuously check in, renegotiate boundaries as needed, and prioritize their primary emotional connection.
The important thing with open relationships again is making sure you've got that solid communication going on. You've gotta be super clear about your comfort levels, boundaries, and expectations - and then be ready to adjust them as needed. Keeping those lines of communication open is crucial.
4. Swinging
Next is swinging - which is all about consensual sexual activity between two or more couples. This one has a bit more of a focus on the physical side of things, rather than developing deep emotional connections. Interestingly, this practice has roots dating back to the 1950s!
Swinging can take different forms from "soft swap" (non-penetrative play) to "full swap" (full-on partner sharing).
The swinging community tends to have some established norms and etiquette, like always getting enthusiastic consent and making sure everyone's having a good time. It's all about respecting boundaries and prioritizing the well-being of all the participants.
For example,
A classic swinging scenario could involve a couple like Jordan and Dakota. They've been happily married for a decade, but they've also developed an interest in the swinging lifestyle. On occasion, they'll attend private swinger parties or connect with other couples through online communities. The goal is to engage in consensual sexual activities - like soft swapping or even full swapping - in a fun, erotic, and mutually enjoyable way. They have clear rules and boundaries in place to ensure everyone's comfort and safety.
5. Relationship Anarchy
This one's all about rejecting the societal expectations and pre-determined rules that often come with traditional relationships. The focus is on autonomy, fluidity, and being free to define your connections however feels right for you.
Relationship anarchists might have multiple romantic, sexual, and platonic relationships without strict hierarchies or escalators.
For example,
Meet Alex, a self-identified relationship anarchist. Alex has multiple romantic, sexual, and platonic connections, but they don't categorize or prioritize these relationships in a traditional hierarchy. Alex's connections are fluid, with no pre-determined rules or escalators. They communicate openly with their partners about needs, boundaries, and expectations, but ultimately, Alex sees their relationships as autonomous and rejects societal labels. It's all about radical self-determination and customizing connections.
It's a pretty liberating approach, but it does require a high degree of self-awareness and communication to pull off successfully.
6. Solo polyamory
Then we've got solo polyamory - where the name of the game is independence. Solo poly folks prioritize being self-sufficient and don't seek out or have a primary partner. Their relationships tend to be more fluid, with a focus on maintaining personal autonomy. This setup works well for folks who really cherish their independence and don't want to be tied down, but it does mean you've got to be super intentional about balancing multiple connections without getting overwhelmed.
For example,
Jada describes themselves as a solo polyamorist. They enjoy having multiple loving relationships, but don't seek out or identify a primary partner. Jada values their independence and autonomy highly, and the relationships they build are based on mutual care and respect, rather than escalating commitment levels. Jada makes their needs and boundaries clear to their partners, focusing on cultivating connections that complement their solo lifestyle.
7. Polygamy
Next is we've got polygamy - the practice of being married to multiple partners at the same time. This one is more commonly seen in certain religious or cultural contexts, and has historically been male-centric, with one dude marrying multiple wives (polygyny).
Take the example of Elijah, who is married to Naomi, Leah, and Rachel. This arrangement is rooted in their religious beliefs, with Elijah acting as the patriarchal head of the household. While the women have their own distinct relationships with Elijah, there may be complex power dynamics at play, and ongoing debates around consent and gender equality.
But there are also examples of polyandry, where one woman is married to multiple husbands. Polygamy is a pretty complex topic, though, with lots of ongoing debates around power dynamics, consent, and legality.
To be more specific:
Polygyny: One man married to multiple wives.
Polyandry: One woman married to multiple husbands.
8. Hierarchical Poly
In this setup, there's a clear primary partner (or partners) who take precedence over any other relationships. The secondary partners are acknowledged, but the primary bond is considered the most important. This structure can provide stability and clarity, but it does require careful management to ensure everyone's needs are met.
For example,
Sam and their partners, Jamie and Dakota, have a hierarchical polyamorous dynamic. Sam and Jamie are the "primary" couple, with a deep, committed relationship. Dakota is considered a "secondary" partner, with whom Sam has an ongoing romantic and sexual connection, but a less entangled dynamic. The three of them work to communicate openly, manage jealousy, and ensure all needs are met, but the primary relationship between Sam and Jamie takes precedence.
9. Closed V
Next is the closed V, which is a specific type of polyamorous arrangement.
Imagine a "V" shape, where one person is the "hinge" partner, connected romantically to two others who aren't directly involved with each other. The key here is that the relationships within the "V" are closed - no one else is added to the mix. It's a way to have multiple committed partners without the fluidity of a more open polyamorous dynamic.
For example,
Meet Chris, who is the "hinge" partner in a closed V configuration. Chris is romantically and sexually involved with both their partners, Alex and Jamie, but Alex and Jamie are not involved with each other. This closed, structured polyamorous dynamic provides Chris, Alex, and Jamie with the benefits of multiple loving connections, while maintaining clear boundaries and a sense of security within the V shape.
10. Monogamish
Then we've got the monogamish, which is kind of a middle ground between strict monogamy and full-on non-monogamy (hence the name, monogamish). In a monogamish relationship, the partners agree to occasionally engage in sexual activity with others, but the primary emotional and romantic connection remains between the two of them.
For example,
Emma and Pat have been together for years and consider themselves a monogamish couple. While their primary relationship is sexually and emotionally exclusive, they've agreed that they can occasionally engage in sexual activities with other people, as long as it's done ethically and with open communication. This allows them to explore non-monogamy in a limited capacity, while still maintaining the core of their committed partnership.
It can be a good option for couples who want to explore ethical non-exclusivity without deviating too far from a monogamous model.
11. Polyaffective
Polyaffective relationships are all about cultivating deep emotional connections and intimacy with multiple partners, without the sexual component. In a polyaffective dynamic, the focus is on building meaningful emotional bonds and providing each other with support, companionship, and a sense of family - but the relationships remain non-sexual.
For example,
In a polyaffective dynamic, Tegan, Jordan, and Riley have cultivated deep emotional connections and intimacy with one another, without any sexual activity. They provide each other with unwavering support, companionship, and a sense of family. Their relationships are built on the foundation of platonic love, care, and a desire to create a non-traditional, but profoundly fulfilling, chosen family.
This approach appeals to people who want the depth of multiple loving partnerships, but don't necessarily need or desire physical intimacy with all of their partners.
12. ENM Marriage
This one is a bit of a twist on the traditional marriage model. In an ENM (Ethical Non-Monogamous) marriage, the partners agree to incorporate non-monogamous elements into their otherwise committed, legally recognized union. This could mean engaging in sexual and/or romantic relationships outside of the marriage, with the full knowledge and consent of the spouse(s).
For example,
Kai and their spouse, Alex, have an ENM (Ethically Non-Monogamous) marriage. While their legal and emotional union remains the primary, most important relationship, they have also agreed to engage in romantic and/or sexual connections outside of their marriage, with each other's knowledge and consent. This allows Kai and Alex to maintain the core of their committed relationship, while also exploring ethical non-monogamy in a way that feels authentic to them.
The key is that the marriage remains the primary, most important relationship, with any outside connections being secondary. ENM marriages require exceptional communication, trust, and a shared vision for what their relationship will look like.
Phew, that's a whole lot of different relationship structures to wrap your head around, I know. These different relationship styles are just the tip of the iceberg! But the beauty of ethical non-monogamy is that there's no one-size-fits-all approach. As with any form of ENM, the most important things are staying true to your own needs and values, respecting the boundaries and autonomy of all involved, and approaching it all with radical honesty. The key is finding the relationship style that resonates most with you and your partner(s). Happy exploring! 🔎
