Ever find yourself completely missing what your partner is saying because you're too busy preparing your rebuttal in your head?

Or shutting down entirely after a minor critique because it feels like a personal attack?

If these defensive listening habits sound all too familiar, they could be toxic to your relationship. When we get mired in self-protection mode, meaningful communication grinds to a halt - and that silence can be deafening for even the strongest bonds.

What is defensive listening? 🧏

Defensive listening is when you hear what someone says through a filter of protection and justification, rather than just listening openly. Instead of taking in their message, you get busy shielding your ego and making excuses. Their words instantly trigger you into self-defense mode.

It's like there's a bodyguard in your mind who stops fully absorbing what the other person means. That bodyguard assumes any feedback or observation is an attack to deflect. You miss the real intention because you're too busy gearing up counterarguments to protect yourself from feeling criticized or inadequate.

With defensive listening, you tune out the person's actual perspective or attempt to solve a problem together constructively. You just hear jabs and accusations, even if none were intended. Then you fire back excuses and justifications to guard against feeling wrong or blamed.

Conversations devolve from productive dialogue into combative defensiveness. The judgmental filter prevents truly understanding each other. Both people leave feeling criticized and misunderstood - a surefire way to create negativity and damage trust over time.

What are some examples of defensive listening? 👂

Here are some real-life examples of defensive listening in relationships in bullet point form:

• Your partner expresses feeling like you've been distracted and disconnected lately. Instead of listening, you immediately respond "Well, you're always on your phone too!"
• You mention something your partner did that hurt your feelings. They roll their eyes and say "Here we go again with the dramatics."
• During a discussion about your sex life, your partner tries giving constructive feedback. You shut down and accuse them of only criticizing you lately.
• Your partner brings up an issue about your spending habits. Instantly, you start listing all the frivolous things they waste money on as well.
• You vent about a frustration with your in-laws. Your partner jumps in saying "You know, you're just too sensitive sometimes."
• After being intimate, your partner says they'd like to try something new. Your face flushes and you ask accusingly, "What, so you're not satisfied now??"
• Your partner notes you've been coming home late from work a lot. You sigh heavily and snap "Sorry for trying to provide for this family!"
• You bring up something relatively minor that bothered you. Your partner instantly gets defensive shouting "Why do you always nag me?!"

In each case, one partner shuts down, attacks, or blows things out of proportion instead of simply listening and seeking to understand first. This propels arguments and good communication.

Defensive listening shuts down communication and leaves both people feeling criticized and misunderstood. It damages trust and makes conflicts way harder to resolve. Learn to notice when you get instantly defensive over feedback - take a breath and listen with curiosity, not defiance. Hear them out fully before responding. Open ears open up your relationship!

What are the effects of defensive listening?

Defensive listening can be incredibly damaging to relationships, both personal and professional. When someone's defenses go up, it shuts down real communication and creates an invisible barrier between two people. Let me explain how this hurtful pattern unfolds and why it's so important to address:

1. Shuts down communication

Instead of an open exchange, defensive listening puts up walls that block meaningful dialogue. The person feels threatened and focuses solely on self-protection rather than understanding the other perspective

2. Creates an "us vs. them" mentality

Defensive tendencies cast the other person as an adversary with negative intentions. This divisive view prevents any attempt at finding common ground or compromise

3. Derails constructive discussion

Conversations quickly devolve from productive talks into heated arguments and blame games. The original issue gets buried under accusation and hurt feelings from both sides

4. Erodes trust and respect

An environment of defensiveness does not cultivate the mutual trust and respect critical for healthy relationships. Partners don't feel safe to express themselves openly without being attacked

5. Breeds resentment over time

Unresolved defensive patterns cause little grievances and misunderstandings to calcify into deep resentments. Pent-up negativity creates emotional distance and avoidance of confronting issues

6. Damages communication skills

Defaulting to defensiveness prevents developing crucial skills like empathy and active listening. These stagnant communication abilities impair the ability to sustain any close relationship

In essence, defensive listening prioritizes self-preservation over self-awareness and understanding. This self-protective mindset may feel justified in the moment, but inevitably acts as a cancer that destroys the foundations of trust, vulnerability, and connection that healthy relationships require.

What is the cause of defensive listening?

Defensive listening is a common communication barrier that occurs when a person feels threatened or criticized and reacts by becoming defensive, rather than truly listening to and understanding the other person's perspective.

Let me walk through some of the common reasons why our defenses can go up during conversations:

1. Low self-esteem or insecurity

Low self-esteem or insecurity plays a huge role. If you're someone who struggles with self-doubt or not feeling good enough, even minor feedback can feel like a personal attack. Your mind automatically goes into self-protection mode, thinking, "They're criticizing me as a person." It's like putting up an emotional shield.

2. Fear of being wrong or losing control

Fear of being wrong or not being in control is another big one. Some people have this deep-rooted need to be right about everything and stay in the driver's seat. So when someone expresses a differing viewpoint, they get defensive because it challenges their perception of being infallible or authoritative.

3. Past experiences or trauma

Past painful experiences can also plant the seeds for defensive listening. If you grew up dealing with harsh criticism from parents, teachers, or bullying from peers, it's only natural that you developed defense mechanisms to cope. Anytime you sense that familiar feeling of being judged, boom—the walls go up automatically without even thinking about it.

4. Lack of trust or poor relationship

Trust is key too. Think about interactions with someone you have a strained history or poor relationship with already. You're naturally going to be more guarded and quick to get defensive when communicating because there's little trust or safety established. Those old hurts or resentments color how you hear what they're saying.

At the end of the day, defensive listening stems from feelings of insecurity, fear of losing control, past emotional wounds, and lack of trust in our conversations. Recognizing what's triggering that knee-jerk reaction is the first step to being able to respond from a calmer, more open place.

How do you deal with defensive listening?

To deal with defensive listening effectively, both parties need to be aware of the issue and make conscious efforts to overcome it. Here are some strategies that can help:

1. Remain calm and avoid accusatory language

The biggest thing is staying calm yourself and using a gentle, non-accusatory tone. As soon as you start pointing fingers with "you" statements like "You're just getting defensive again," it's only going to make the other person shut down more.

Instead, use "I" statements to explain how you're feeling without blaming: "I sense I may have struck a nerve, and that wasn't my intention at all."

2. Validate the other person's feelings

Validating their perspective can also help disarm defensiveness. Let them know you hear where they're coming from, even if you don't fully agree. Something like "I understand why you might take it that way based on your past experiences..." This makes people feel listened to rather than attacked.

3. Listen actively and ask questions

Ask curious questions to better understand their point of view, not interrogate them. "Help me understand more about why this is such a sensitive topic for you." Getting them to expand without putting them on the defensive can provide valuable context.

4. Check your assumptions

Check yourself too - are your own insecurities or assumptions adding fuel to their defensiveness? Take a step back and make sure you're not reading into things in a way that's escalating the situation unnecessarily.

5. Take a break if needed

If tensions just keep rising, don't be afraid to hit the pause button. Suggest taking a break and revisiting the conversation later with cooler heads. Giving each other some space can work wonders.

6. Practice empathy and emotional intelligence

Develop the ability to understand and manage your own emotions, as well as recognize and respond appropriately to the emotions of others.

7. Build trust and rapport

Foster an environment of trust and open communication by being honest, respectful, and reliable in your interactions with the other person.

Ultimately, the goal is to create a safe, non-judgmental space where you both feel comfortable expressing vulnerabilities and different perspectives. It takes mutual empathy, patience, and rapport-building over time. Defensive tendencies often stem from painful past incidents, so it may not be an easy obstacle to overcome, but it's so worthwhile to keep trying to get to that place of open and honest dialogue.

What is non-defensive listening?

Non-defensive listening is an approach to communication where the listener makes a conscious effort to be open, non-judgmental, and focused on truly understanding the speaker's perspective without becoming defensive or taking things personally.

Some key characteristics of non-defensive listening include:

1. Being present and attentive

• Effective: You make eye contact, minimize distractions, and give the speaker your full focus.
• Defensive: Your mind is racing with counterarguments while they're talking.

2. Suspending judgment

• Effective: You withhold criticism or evaluation, even if you disagree, until they've fully expressed themselves.
• Defensive: You start mentally picking apart flaws and inconsistencies in their points before they've finished.

3. Empathizing

• Effective: You try to see things from their perspective and understand where they're coming from emotionally.
• Defensive: You automatically view their stance as an unreasonable attack on your beliefs or values.

4. Asking clarifying questions

• Effective: "Can you help me better understand what you mean by that?" You inquire to gather more context.
• Defensive: "Where is this even coming from?" Your questions are accusatory.

5. Reflecting

• Effective: "It sounds like you feel X because of Y - did I understand that correctly?"
• Defensive: You disregard or mischaracterize their points, then prepare a rebuttal.

6. Validating feelings

• Effective: "I appreciate that this is really frustrating for you. Your feelings are valid."
• Defensive: You dismiss their emotions as irrational or unwarranted.

7. Avoiding interruption

• Effective: You stay present and let them speak their full piece before responding.
• Defensive: You interject with counterpoints or get preoccupied with planning your defense.

8. Managing your own emotions

• Effective: You're aware of your emotional triggers but choose not to get hooked by them.
• Defensive: You get flustered or heated and take things as personal attacks.

The goal of non-defensive listening is to create an environment of openness, empathy, and mutual understanding. It requires suspending your own viewpoint temporarily to fully receive and appreciate the speaker's perspective.

In contrast to defensive listening, where people become argumentative or closed off, non-defensive listening promotes deeper connections, better conflict resolution, and more effective communication overall.

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Defensive listening is like relationship kryptonite, sucking out all the vulnerability and understanding needed for a strong bond. When we're more focused on protecting ourselves than truly connecting, we miss out on seeing each other for who we are.

It's hard, but totally worth it for that feeling of being truly understood, you know, like someone gets you without judgment. By ditching the defensiveness, you rebuild trust and open the door to real connection again. Because seriously, what's better than feeling heard and really hearing someone else?

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About the Author

Sheravi Mae Galang is a Content Coordinator for the Couply app. Couply was created to help couples improve their relationships. Couply has over 300,000 words of relationship quizzes, questions, couples games, and date ideas and helps over 400,000 people. You can connect with her through email here.