Deal breakers are behaviors, traits, or situations that for an individual are fundamental conditions for being in a romantic relationship. While threshold for deal breakers differs across people.

Not all deal breakers mean a relationship can't be salvaged - it depends on context, ability to positively change behaviors, get counseling, compromise where possible, restore broken trust slowly over time.

But certain deal breakers make sustaining an intimate, emotionally safe and loving connection extremely difficult if not impossible for one or both partners. Identifying these early on or when they emerge prevents deeper heartache down the road in incompatible pairings.

These are the 7 deal breakers that I think you should totally keep an eye out:

1.Abuse

Any form of abuse is unacceptable and a primary deal breaker. Remove yourself from the toxic situation immediately. Once you get in, it will be hard to get out.

Abuse includes:

Physical Abuse

Physical abuse of any kind, no matter how "minor", should not be tolerated. Physical abuse includes behaviors like hitting, slapping, punching, kicking, restraining, strangling, and any other unwanted physical harm. It also includes throwing things, driving recklessly to scare you, and destroying property. Physical abusers often claim "it was an accident" or "it won't happen again" but this is not true. Abuse always repeats and escalates over time. Escape this relationship immediately and get help. You deserve safety.

Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse through words and actions can damage self-esteem as much as physical blows. Emotional abuse involves persistently insulting you, putting you down, name calling, yelling, humiliation, gaslighting, isolation from loved ones, threatening, intimidation, and overall degradation. Emotional abusers chip away at confidence over time. Recognize this cruelty for what it is - unacceptable abuse, not love. Seek support and walk away knowing you merit kindness.

Sexual Abuse

Sexual activity without consent is assault. Sexual abuse includes any unwanted sexual advances, inappropriate sexual comments, forcing or coercing sexual acts, groping, rape, and violation of boundaries. This behavior is often minimized but should not be tolerated. Escape this unhealthy situation immediately, cut contact with the abuser, and consider reporting the abuse. Your body and your choices deserve the utmost respect.

Financial Abuse

Financial abuse seeks to control through restricting access to money. Behaviors include preventing you from working, limiting your knowledge of family finances, accumulating debt fraudulently, ruining your credit, and stealing your identity. Financial abuse keeps the partner dependent and constrained. Begin secretly saving money, open your own accounts, consult legal aid, and make an exit plan. You deserve financial security.

Digital Abuse

Technology enables new forms of control and harassment. Digital abuse consists of monitoring texts/emails, restricting social media, using GPS to track locations, revenge porn threats, impersonation, and other invasive behaviors that violate privacy and autonomy. Recognize this is not "concern" but obsession meant to dominate you. Cut ties, improve security, document evidence and notify authorities as needed. Your technology should empower, not imprison you.

Verbal Abuse

Verbal abuse chips away at self-worth daily. It consists of name-calling, harsh criticisms, shouting, cursing, demeaning language, and put downs. Verbal abusers humiliate, insult, and berate partners, then downplay their cruelty. Recognize these behaviors as abusive, not anger management issues or “joking around.” Silencing your voice is a tactic of control. Reclaim your voice by speaking up or walking away. You merit respect.

Intimidation

Intimidation breeds fear through implicit or explicit threats. Intimidating acts include breaking objects, punching walls, displaying weapons, violating boundaries, threatening murder/suicide, harming pets, and physical restraint. The fear intimidation provokes is paralyzing but this climate of terror is not okay. Trust your instincts, get help, and escape safely. A loving relationship should make you feel secure, not scared.

Isolation

Isolation limits connections to others. Abusers separate partners from loved ones and restrict activities outside the relationship. They instill guilt around spending time apart or seeing friends/family. This seclusion establishes control and facilitates further abuse. Recognize isolation for what it is - a dangerous tactic of domination. Reconnect with your support system and rebuild a life outside the relationship. Humans need community.

Blaming

Blaming prevents accountability by justifying abuse through excuses like “you provoked me,” “I couldn’t control myself,” or “you hurt me first.” Blamers make partners feel responsible for being abused. Do not accept blame - the abuser alone is responsible for their actions. Abuse is a choice, not a loss of control or anger management issue. Stop this cycle by demanding better or leaving immediately.

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Abusers often deny, minimize, and rationalize their behavior, but abuse is never acceptable under any circumstances. Do not remain hoping the abuser will change - the abuse almost always escalates over time. The healthiest option is to safely exit the relationship immediately and get help. As someone who have dealt with different stories of abuse, most of the victims have a hard time getting out due to a variety of reasons. But let me tell you that you deserve a loving relationship free from fear.

2. Addiction

Addiction can poison relationships in many ways if left untreated.

Addictions may involve:

Alcohol Addiction

Alcoholism strains relationships in multiple ways. Behaviors include frequently drinking to excess, hiding alcohol use, allowing drinking to impact work/life duties, continuing despite consequences, and being unable to stop. Alcohol abuse progresses over time, destroying physical and mental health. Partners often enable addictions through codependency. Give an ultimatum to get treatment or you will exit. Return only after sustained sobriety. You deserve peace.

Drug Addiction

Drug addiction disrupts lives and relationships. Drug abuse involves illegal substances like heroin or cocaine. But addiction can also involve prescription medicines like painkillers and sedatives. Drug addiction is compulsive use despite negative impacts on work, finances, health, and relationships. Addicts may lie, manipulate, and steal to get drugs. Don’t enable this behavior through protecting or providing money. Insist on rehab or you must walk away. Your well-being comes first.

Gambling Addiction

Compulsive gambling jeopardizes financial security. Behaviors include placing bets despite increasing debt, chasing losses, hiding gambling from loved ones, gambling instead of working, and relying on others for bailouts. Gambling addiction often goes undetected for a long time. Don’t enable by paying off gambling debts. Insist on treatment or consider ending the relationship. You deserve financial stability.

Sex Addiction

Sex addiction involves compulsive engagement in sexual activities that damages intimacy in relationships. Behaviors may include porn obsession, excessive masturbation, infidelity, soliciting prostitution, compulsive dating app use, voyeurism and more. Sex addicts require increasingly risky behaviors to feel excitement. Recovery is possible but requires extensive therapy. Issue an ultimatum to get professional help or you must exit. Your needs matter too.

Technology Addictions

‍Excessive time spent gaming, viewing pornography, or compulsively checking social media can disrupt relationships and daily responsibilities. Partners may feel ignored, intimacy decreases, and obligations like work/school fall by the wayside. Problematic use is often a way to cope with loneliness, anxiety, or depression. Treatment involves setting healthy limits, finding alternative coping strategies, and getting to root causes with counseling.

Shopping/Spending Addictions

‍An irresistible urge to shop and spend can spiral out of control, leading to debt, strained relationships over finances, and emotional distress. Similar to other addictions, it frequently serves as a quick-fix escape from deeper issues like loneliness, boredom, depression, or lack of purpose. Getting help may require consulting financial advisors, therapists, support groups, or life coaches to achieve balance.

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Addiction not only affects the user's health and stability; it strains the emotional and financial resources of loved ones. Partners often enable addictions through codependency.

Offer an ultimatum to get professional treatment, or you will exit the relationship. Only return once sustained sobriety is demonstrated through sober action, not empty promises. Prepare to leave if the addiction persists. Your self-care and well-being must come first.

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4. Infidelity

For most, cheating marks the end. Regaining lost trust is difficult, if not impossible. Proceed with caution.

This may include:

Emotional Affairs

Emotional affairs involve developing intimate connections with someone other than a spouse or partner. It may entail sharing personal feelings, details of one's life, marital struggles, even expressions of affection mostly through sustained communication - in person or digitally. Often emotional bonds pave the way towards physical intimacy hence still constituting betrayal of relationship trust and expected monogamy.

Online Infidelity

Behaviors like pornography viewing, compulsive interactions on dating apps, sexualized chatting via message boards or video sex constitute infidelity even without in-person contact. The secrecy and diversion of emotional/physical energy away from one's committed partner can deeply damage trust and self-esteem. Accessibility of digital media fuels this type of cheating - leading a double life and ignoring relationship problems.

Full-on Sexual Betrayal

Physically being sexual - either through one-time hookups, prolonged affairs or sex with multiple partners unknown to one's spouse constitutes profound infidelity. The broken commitment and risks posed emotionally and physically breach the foundation of exclusivity and trust in committed partnerships. Rebuilding can only start with full admission, seeking understanding, and consistently rebuilding trust through actions over time.

Micro-cheating

Behaviors that may seem innocuous at first but slowly cross boundaries towards emotional or physical infidelity. Lingering flirtation, forbidden confiding in a friend/co-worker leading to disclosure of intimate emotions or details about one's partner/relationship. Dismissed at first but eroding appropriate limits that protect the exclusivity of committed relationships.

4. Dishonesty

Repeated lies shatter intimacy and self-esteem. Honesty is non-negotiable for lasting love. Tell the truth, always.

Dishonesty includes:

Lies of Omission

Failing to disclose important information or previous events that a partner has a right to know about. This may include hiding details about one's past, not coming clean about the full truth of a situation, or leaving out key facts in hopes a partner never finds out. Erodes trust.

Exaggeration

Stretching the truth and embellishing one's positive attributes, accomplishments, talents or standing out of pride or vanity. Partners eventually see through inflated claims and empty boasts which strains credibility in the relationship.

Covering Up Mistakes

Trying to bury errors in judgment rather than taking responsibility. Partners cannot rely on someone unwilling to own up to their blunders or learn from them. Adds insult to injury when truth eventually surfaces.

Financial Infidelity

Deception around spending habits, balances, debts, earnings or other financial matters. Particularly damaging since it impacts mutually held resources, stability and goals. Complete transparency around finances is essential for relationships to function.

Digital Dishonesty

Secret behaviors online whether inappropriate messaging, pornography use, gambling or otherwise. Partners feel doubly betrayed when a double life emerges involving digital activity one hoped to hide. Can profoundly impact intimacy and trust in the relationship.

5. Mismatched Values

Core value differences on big issues like children or money often turn into major conflict down the road. Address sooner than later.

Look into:

Contrasting Family Values

Differing perspectives between partners on qualities like size of family, closeness with extended relatives, traditions can cause tension. Wanting kids urgently versus not can rupture connections. Parenting disagreements on discipline, expectations, roles emerge. Navigating in-law dynamics becomes difficult if ideas on boundaries/closeness clash, leading to feelings of betrayal. Reconciliation requires compromise through open dialogue. Partners must respect differing family ideals, join consistently around shared visions like quality time with kids.

Opposing Political/Social Values

Partners need not share all ideological beliefs, but core divides on societal responsibility, equity, human rights spell trouble. Relationships only withstand so much divergence before contempt arises for seemingly opposing worldviews. Tensions increase if values impact household habits, charitable giving, community involvement. Yet focusing discourse on shared higher virtues - compassion toward all enables progress.

Conflicting Religious Values

Relationships strained if committed partners practice different faiths, degrees of observance. Tensions escalate if spiritual values shape opposing beliefs on morality, ritual, lifestyle choices. Disagreements likely on holiday traditions, diet, parent/child expectations. Partners must listen without judgment, identify shared human values, compromise on respecting difference.

Divergent Work Ethic

One partner highly ambitious and driven, the other more complacent risks breeding resentment over time. Impacts shared stability if motivation levels don't align. Disciplined saver may critique frivolous spender. Household duties split unevenly due to imbalanced initiative. Retirement goals may conflict. Counseling assists reframing values, finding equitable balance.

Mismatched Romantic Values

Partners can vary widely on needs/expressions of intimacy, romance. Love languages differ - quality time versus physical touch, words of affirmation contrasted by acts of service. Leads to feeling neglected emotionally, sexually disconnected. Different romantic ideals, attachment styles, past experiences factor. Requires insight on self and partner to bridge gaps.

Openness to learn a partner’s experiences and perspectives remains essential to mediate significant values divergence in relationships. Compromises uphold bonds; condemnation corrodes them.

6. Emotional Neglect

Partners who starve relationships of intimacy cause it to wither. Water regularly with care, affection, and communication.

Watch out for:

The Detached Partner

One partner remains cut off from and dismissive of the other's emotional needs. They minimize vulnerability, avoid heartfelt interactions, and stay disconnected even during attempts at intimacy. Emotional distance persists despite efforts to engage, understand, and bridge the gap between partners.

The Buried Head Partner

This relates to one partner being so preoccupied by external demands like work, children, life stresses that they fail to show up emotionally for their partner. Buried in their own priorities, they remain perpetually unavailable, distracted, or rushed when attempts are made to connect.

The Critical Partner

Habitual criticism, judgment, and negativity directed at one's partner slowly erodes self-esteem and emotional safety in the relationship. One feels unable to share authentic feelings and experiences for fear of scorn, rejection, or attack from a partner quick to invalidate emotions.

The Passive Partner

Unlike overt criticism, this emotional neglect shows up through a partner's passivity and lack of meaningful engagement. They rarely initiate or reciprocate vulnerable conversations, expressions of affection, or emotional check-ins, leaving their partner feelings unseen and unvalued.

The Domineering Partner

Relationships become emotionally one-sided when one partner's needs, opinions, and priorities take center stage. The more domineering partner leaves little room for mutuality, compromise, or emotional equity. Their partner feels minimized, subordinate, and unable to assert their experience.

In summary, emotional neglect has many nuanced manifestations. But the common thread is one partner feeling invisible, unsupported, and unable to have their emotional world embraced. Renewed commitment to empathy and engagement can heal these divides.

7. Disrespect

Contempt, hostility, and criticism corrode relationships. Establish a pattern of mutual esteem or toxicity prevails. You deserve respect.

This includes:

Dismissiveness

‍Failing to truly listen, pay attention to, or acknowledge your partner's thoughts/feelings conveys what they say doesn't matter. Interrupting when they share vulnerable emotions or priorities makes them feel insignificant. Being distracted by phones/devices mid-conversation tells them they don't deserve your focus. Dismissiveness blocks emotional intimacy.

Insults‍

Heated arguments often involve character attacks and insults that cut partners emotionally. Mocking insecurities, calling names, using sarcasm/disgust all aim to demean. Partners feel unlovable after such contempt. Apologies must involve understanding impact of words, not just restoring status quo. Healing requires rebuilding emotional safety.

Public Humiliation‍

Humiliating a partner publicly by openly criticizing/blaming, mocking their mistakes, or revealing private details about them to others is deeply disrespectful. Violates security norms, embarrasses them. The partner feels betrayed, trust deteriorates. Makes working through issues productively nearly impossible.

Body Language

‍Non-verbal responses like eye rolling, closed off/defensive posture, dismissive gestures when a partner is vulnerable convey they are foolish for sharing authentic feelings. Makes partners regret opening up emotionally, question the relationship. Rebuilds only through truly open, receptive body language.

Manipulation‍

Invalidating a partner's lived experience, shifting blame unfairly, pressuring/guilting them to concede erodes autonomy in relationships. Makes one partner feel unable to trust their own judgment/perceptions. Restoring respect means acknowledging different vantage points, compromising fairly without coercion.

Losing Control‍

Explosive reactions during conflict like yelling, throwing objects, storming off aim to intimidate through volatility. Partners must feel safe, so regaining self-control is essential. Addressing anger management, improved communication skills, stress reduction needed before respect returns.

The keys to overcoming disrespect are sincerely apologizing without justification, practicing new honorable behaviors consistently, and validating a partner's right to an equal voice in the relationship. This builds renewed trust and understanding.

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While every couple experiences ups and downs, certain patterns spell relationship doom if unaddressed. Know the deal breakers and watch for warning signs that may require an escape plan. The key is identifying harmful behaviors early before they become normalized and inescapable. Relationships should lift you up, not weigh you down. Proceed with caution and self-respect.

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About the Author

Sheravi Mae Galang is a Content Coordinator for the Couply app. Couply was created to help couples improve their relationships. Couply has over 300,000 words of relationship quizzes, questions, couples games, and date ideas and helps over 400,000 people.

Sheravi enjoys wring and is currently studying at the Cebu Institute of Technology - University for her current pursuit of a Master's Degree in Clinical Psychology. You can connect with her through email (sheravimaegalang@gmail.com).