You know that giddy, can't-eat-can't-sleep feeling when you fall for someone new? When they make your heart race with a single glance and you catch yourself daydreaming about them constantly? In those deliriously infatuated early stages, it can be tempting to brush off little things that don't quite seem right. "They're just passionate," you rationalize as they snap at you over nothing. "It's an insecurity thing - it's actually kinda cute," you convince yourself about their jealous outbursts.
Love can make us ignore lots of red flags, but here's the hard truth: While romantic love is amazing and intoxicating, it doesn't make someone a mind-reader or automatically turn them into a perfect partner. All relationships require effort, mutual understanding, and the willingness to address issues as they come up. Ignoring concerning behaviors in the name of being "in love" often leads to much bigger problems down the road.
This guide is all about raising your awareness of the types of bad signs and dealbreaker behaviors you should never overlook in a relationship, no matter how rose-colored those love glasses might be. Getting real with yourself about your partner's actions - instead of brushing them aside - is a form of self-love that could ultimately spare you a lot of heartache.
So, here are the top five bad signs in a relationship that you shouldn't ignore:
1. Respect Issues
One of the biggest pillars of any healthy relationship is mutual respect. If that's lacking, it can corrode the foundation over time. A few glaring examples of disrespect:
Put-downs and insults
Does your partner frequently criticize you or make comments that sting, whether it's about your intelligence, appearance, career, or anything else? Sure, we all slip up sometimes with a snippy remark here and there. But a consistent pattern of put-downs, even played off as "just teasing," can seriously undermine your self-esteem and emotional well-being.
Specific examples include:
- Calling you stupid, ugly, or worthless after an argument
- Belittling your career goals or achievements
- Making jokes at your expense in front of others
- Criticizing your body or appearance frequently
Controlling behavior
Healthy relationships involve interdependence - not codependence where one person is calling all the shots. If your partner frequently issues orders about what you can wear, who you can see, or how you can spend your time, that's not okay. Controlling behavior is a form of emotional abuse designed to make you increasingly isolated and reliant on them.
Specific examples include:
- Demanding to know where you are at all times
- Telling you what you can or cannot wear
- Restricting your ability to have a job or go to school
- Controlling all the finances and giving you an "allowance"
- Insisting on making all the major life decisions without your input
Jealousy and possessiveness
A little jealousy can be normal - we all have insecurities. But when jealousy is frequent, excessive, and accompanied by accusations or attempts to limit your autonomy, it becomes possessiveness. An unhealthy amount of jealousy suggests YOUR partner has some trust and self-esteem issues to work through, not that you're doing anything wrong.
- Accusing you of flirting or cheating for innocent behavior
- Getting angry when you spend time with friends/family
- Checking your phone, emails, etc. without permission
- Making you cancel plans or quit hobbies due to jealousy
- Attempting to control who you can be friends with
TBH, even one or two of these behaviors can be a red flag that your partner may have trouble with respecting boundaries and your autonomy. A pattern of frequent disrespect through put-downs, controlling tactics, or jealous outbursts is a major sign that changes need to happen.
2.Communication Problems
Open communication is the lifeblood of any thriving relationship. If you're constantly fighting uphill battles just to be heard and understood, it's going to put a serious strain on the relationship. A few communication red flags:
Constant arguing
All couples disagree and bicker sometimes - that's normal and healthy. The problem arises when every disagreement, no matter how minor, turns into a blowout fight with yelling, name-calling, and neither person feeling understood. If you're walking on eggshells to avoid setting off your partner's temper, that's not a sustainable way to live.
Specific examples include:
- Fighting about the same unresolved issues over and over
- Yelling, name-calling, and bringing up unrelated things during arguments
- Having the same fights again shortly after making up
- Arguing so frequently that it feels like the normal state of the relationship
Stonewalling
Maybe your partner agrees to "talk about it later"...but that later never comes. Or they just completely shut down, stonewall you, and refuse to engage anytime you try to address an issue. This avoidant behavior prevents any kind of productive conflict resolution and lets resentments fester.
Specific examples include:
- Your partner refusing to respond or engaging in the "silent treatment"
- Them walking out in the middle of an argument
- Shutting down and becoming emotionally unavailable when you raise an issue
- Responding with the cold shoulder or one-word answers
Not feeling heard or understood
Do you feel like your thoughts, feelings, and perspectives are constantly disregarded or minimized by your partner? Like you could talk until you're blue in the face and they'd never actually "get it"? That's an awful feeling that can leave you feeling insignificant and emotionally drained over time.
Specific examples include:
- Your partner frequently interrupts or talks over you
- Them dismissing or minimizing your thoughts/feelings
- Having to repeat yourself multiple times to get through
- Feeling like your perspective is ignored or doesn't matter
- Your concerns or issues getting brushed aside as "no big deal"
Good communication is all about both partners making an effort to listen, understand each other's points of view, and work through disagreements with patience and respect. When communication consistently breaks down into persistent fighting, stonewalling, or one partner feeling unheard, it can severely damage the relationship over time.
3.Trust Issues
Trust is the bedrock foundation for any healthy, lasting romance. If that foundational trust has been eroded or was never really there to begin with, it's going to undermine the entire relationship over time.
Lying and cheating
For many people, being lied to or cheated on is an automatic dealbreaker - and understandably so. Whether it's romantic infidelity or lying about big things that erode trust, a persistent pattern of dishonest behavior indicates serious issues with commitment and respect.
Specific examples include:
- Discovering your partner has been having an emotional or physical affair
- Finding out they lied about major things like finances, family, job, etc.
- Catching them in repeated small lies that build up over time
- Learning they've been dishonest about substance abuse or addictive behaviors
Secrecy and suspicion
Does your partner constantly feel the need to be shady - deleting text conversations, being cagey about their daily whereabouts and activities, or flat-out refusing to be transparent with things like passwords and emails? That level of secrecy breeds an environment of toxicity and mistrust that's harrowing for any relationship.
Specific examples include:
- Your partner deletes texts/emails or hides their phone frequently
- They have secret social media accounts or profiles you didn't know about
- Getting defensive if you ask about odd charges, receipts, or whereabouts
- Accusing you of hiding things or being shady with no real evidence
Being overly critical
Constructive criticism and feedback is one thing, but does your partner constantly seem to be beating you down with a barrage of insults, nitpicking, and putdowns about your personality, skills, or achievements? That's not a partner aiming to build you up - it's someone aiming to undermine your confidence and keep you doubting yourself.
Specific examples include:
- Your partner constantly puts down your interests, hobbies or career
- They make hurtful "jokes" that target your insecurities
- Nitpicking or harshly judging your appearance, lifestyle choices, etc.
- Dismissing your accomplishments or making you feel inadequate
In a healthy relationship, there should be a solid foundation of trust, honesty and mutual respect. Lying, cheating, undue secrecy, and overly critical behavior can quickly erode that foundation and make you question the relationship. These aren't things that should be ignored or excused.
4. Feeling Unhappy and Unfulfilled
At the end of the day, one of the biggest signs that something is seriously wrong in your relationship is if you simply don't feel happy or fulfilled. Despite the love you may have for your partner, persistent unhappiness is a huge red flag that should not be ignored.
Relationships are supposed to be sources of joy, comfort, and emotional intimacy in your life - not sources of dread, anxiety or constant self-doubt. If you find yourself frequently stressed, on-edge, or just generally dissatisfied in the relationship, that's a big problem.
You shouldn't have to tiptoe around your partner's moods or censor yourself for fear of rocking the boat. Healthy relationships allow you to be your authentic self without walking on eggshells. Feeling unfulfilled, underappreciated, or like you're forcing things is a major signal that something needs to change.
5. It's Okay to Walk Away
Identifying red flags and relationship issues is one thing, but the really brave step is being willing to do something about them - even if that means walking away from someone you care about deeply. Remember, you fundamentally deserve to be treated with respect, kindness and consideration in your relationships.
If you've made sincere efforts to address problems like verbal abuse, controlling behaviors, trust issues, or any other red flags and your partner is unwilling to make changes, it's okay to prioritize your wellbeing. You don't owe anyone your unhappiness.
Extricating yourself from an unhealthy situation can be incredibly difficult, but recognizing that you deserve better is an important first step. Seek out support from loved ones and professionals who can help provide an outside perspective and tools for establishing boundaries or leaving safely if needed.
The signs covered here are just some potential red flags - there are countless others, and relationship issues often overlap or compound each other. The key is learning to tune into your instincts and core values about how you want and deserve to be treated.
If you're feeling unhappy more often than not, or find your partner exhibiting a pattern of disrespectful, untrustworthy, or abusive behaviors, don't ignore it. Have an open and honest conversation about your concerns, suggest counseling if needed, and be willing to walk away if positive changes aren't made. You deserve to feel cherished, not burdened, in your romantic relationships. Trust yourself to set that standard.
