Do you ever feel like you're sabotaging your own relationship?
Maybe you're constantly criticizing your partner, or you have difficulty trusting them. Or maybe you're always worried about being abandoned or cheated on.
If so, you may have a core negative image (CNI).
What are Core Negative Images?
When it comes to relationships, we all have certain beliefs and attitudes about our partners that can greatly impact the way we interact with them.
These beliefs, also known as schemas, can be positive or negative, and they are formed based on our past experiences and interactions with others. However, when these schemas become rigid and negative, they can significantly harm the relationship.
This is known as Core Negative Image, and it can be a real relationship buzzkill.
Do you ever feel like your partner is always seeing you in the wrong light? Like they have a negative image of you that they can't seem to shake? If so, you may be dealing with a core negative image.
A core negative image is a belief that we have about ourselves that is often formed in childhood. It is a negative view of ourselves that we carry around with us, and it can have a profound impact on our relationships.
Core negative images can be very difficult to change. They are often deeply ingrained in our subconscious, and they can be triggered by even the smallest things. But it is possible to overcome core negative images, and there are a number of things you can do to start the process.
Imagine this scenario: you're sitting across from your partner at a fancy restaurant, and they order the most expensive dish: lobster. You internally roll your eyes, thinking, "Here we go again, always spending money on unnecessary things." Sound familiar?
This is a prime example of Core Negative Image in action.
You have a fixed, negative belief about your partner that is affecting the way you view and react to their actions.
Often, Core Negative image shows up when you’re upset. You’ll begin to address this creature created from all of your partner’s bad traits, brought together into a caricature of your identity.
Maybe you’ve had your partner do this to you, when they’re upset they’ll say;
“You’re always,” then insert the bundled negative core image; narcissistic, selfish, lazy or some other accusation that you’re obviously not always like.
Core Negative Image is not just a harmless thought or opinion. It can lead to a downward spiral of negative interaction, where then, each partner reinforces the other's negative beliefs.
For example, if one partner consistently views the other as "stingy," the other may start to believe it and behave in a way that reinforces that belief! Or they’re labeled as the “stingy” one and then they say they have to be the stingy one, as you are a lobster-ordering reckless spender!
You can see how tricky this can become if left unchecked. For some couples these becomes a cyclical repetitive disagreement that they seem to not be able to break.
But fear not, all is not lost!
With a little effort and awareness, couples can turn things around and improve their relationship by breaking out of the Core Negative Image cycle.
4 Ways to Break the Core Negative Image Cycle:
1. Identify Core Negative Images
You and your partner set aside some time to think about the core negative images you hold. Write down any negative thoughts or beliefs you have about them. Consider the source of these beliefs and try to determine if they stem from past experiences or interactions. This step can help you gain a better understanding of your negative thoughts and where they come from.
To identify your core negative images, you can also ask yourself these following questions:
- What are the things that I believe about myself that are negative?
- When did I first start believing these things?
- What experiences or messages have led me to believe these things?
- How do these beliefs affect my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors?
Once you have identified your core negative images, you can start to work on challenging them.
2. Recognize that these Core Negative Images may only be caricatures of your partner.
It's important to remember that negative beliefs are often only caricatures of the person and don't accurately reflect all of their positive personality traits. Give this core negative image a ridiculous name if you like! My partner can be overly negative, so we’ve named her CNI the Dark Witch and refer to it as that. I can be overly positive, and we’ve named my CNI the Rainbow Butterfly which flutters around pretending things are fine even when they’re not. Between those two characters we get close to the truth! Other couples I know call their CNI the “Buzzy Fly” as someone who gets very amped up and talks over the other person too much.
Make an effort to see your partner as a complex individual with both positive and negative qualities, rather than only focusing on the negative. Check out the Couply personality results, and you can see that every person is made up of many incredible personality differences, you don’t get positive qualities without some negative qualities!
Core negative images are often based on our own fears and insecurities, and they can be very distorted. We may see our partner as being more critical, judgmental, or uncaring than they really are. We may also see them as being less attractive, intelligent, or capable than they really are.
It's important to remember that these core negative images are just that: images. They are not reality. Our partners are complex and multifaceted individuals, and they deserve to be seen for who they really are.
If you find yourself struggling with core negative images of your partner, it's important to challenge them. Ask yourself if there is any evidence to support these beliefs. Are you making assumptions about your partner's thoughts or feelings? Are you projecting your own fears and insecurities onto them?
It's also important to remember that your partner is not responsible for your happiness. They cannot make you feel good about yourself. Only you can do that. So focus on building your own self-esteem and confidence. When you feel good about yourself, you will be less likely to see your partner in a negative light.
3. Challenge these negative beliefs by seeking out evidence that contradicts them and trying to see your partner's actions from a different perspective.
Once you have identified your negative beliefs, it's time to challenge them. Ask yourself, "Is this belief really true?" "Is it based on one isolated event, or is it a pattern of behavior?" Try to find evidence that contradicts your negative beliefs and consider alternative explanations for your partner's actions. Encourage your partner to do the same and work together to see each other's actions in a new and more positive light.
If you think your partner is always critical of you, think about all the times they have been supportive and encouraging. If you think your partner is never interested in what you have to say, think about all the times they have listened to you attentively and offered you their advice.
You can also try to see your partner's actions from a different perspective. When your partner does something that you perceive as negative, try to think about why they might have done it. What was their intention? Were they trying to be helpful? Were they just having a bad day?
By challenging your negative beliefs and trying to see your partner's actions from a different perspective, you can start to break the core negative image cycle.
4. Surprise your partner by understanding their Core Negative Image of you and act in the opposite way.
Understanding your partner's core negative image can be a powerful tool for building a stronger and more supportive relationship. Surprising your partner by acting in ways that counteract their negative beliefs can help them see you in a new light and help build a more positive and accurate view of you. For example, if your partner has a negative belief that you make decisions without their input, make an effort to consistently ask for their opinion that will counteract this belief and build their confidence.
This may seem counterintuitive, but it can be a powerful way to challenge your partner's negative beliefs about you. When they see you acting in a way that contradicts their negative image of you, it can start to break down those beliefs and replace them with more positive ones.
Of course, this doesn't mean that you have to pretend to be someone you're not. Just be yourself, but be the best version of yourself that you can be. Focus on your strengths and positive qualities, and let your partner see the real you.
Core Negative Images can be a significant roadblock in any relationship.
If you constantly have the same character-assassination arguments over and over again, but it doesn't have to be! By recognizing your negative beliefs, naming them and challenging them, couples can break free from the cycle and improve their relationship.
So, the next time you're sitting across from your lobster-loving partner, try to see things from a new perspective and enjoy the meal. After all, it's not just about the lobster, it's about the love!
