You know what always puzzled me? How society tries to shame people, and most specifically women, for liking, nay LOVING sex. And on top of that, being a dominatrix might as well mean being accused of being a witch in Salem in the 15th century. Yes, it is true that over the years people (mostly the newer generations) have become more open-minded with the term dominatrix and the whole sex-taboo, but I can guarantee you that you will still get a few weird looks.
You know what is frustrating though? How all this shame and critique has stopped so many women from exploring their dom side. Because let’s be honest, men love to be dominated just as much as us women do.
And why is that? Well the harsh reality behind that reason is that, let’s face it, there are more men in higher positions than women, who have to make decisions and take the lead, so of course at the end of the day, they will want to unwind and want to let someone else take the lead for once. As for us women, the reason is a bit more biologically-based, something about how women want someone stronger than them to produce a successful bloodline.
Here’s the thing though, there is no shame if you want to be a dominatrix or a pillow princess. Or a switch! Just do whatever you want and are most comfortable with. But do make sure that there is consent from all parties involved. It’s that simple
However, if you’re having struggles and are looking for ways to become more of a dominatrix, I’m here for you girl.
And if you’re wondering, why should I be talking to you about this, well it’s because even though I can be considered a pillow princess, I do love the idea and from time to time will decide to be on top for a change (both literally and metaphorically).
Embracing Your Inner Dominatrix
Understand yourself before taking on the role of a dominatrix
Before anything, you need to find out what turns you on or puts you off. Don’t be shy to admit to yourself and your partner about the things you like or not, talk about your fantasies and kinks, everyone loves doing that and your partner will probably appreciate you more for being able to be so open about this.
Look the part of a dominatrix
If you’re not wearing leather or rubber latex, then you’re not doing it right. Preferably a body suit, but if these aren’t your thing, that’s understandable. You can never go wrong with a sexy black mini-dress or a corset or just a set of black lingerie. If you are unsure of what to wear though, you can always just ask your partner what they like. Remember though, it’s also about what you feel comfortable and most confident in. Half of the role of being a dominatrix depends on your confidence after all.
Oh and let’s not forget thigh-high stiletto boots. I know some of us aren’t very comfortable with heels but you know what they say, beauty is pain. Just think of a femme fatale kind of vibe, literally a killer look. Stiletto boots are so cool, honestly. And if you want, you can top off the look with garter or fishnets stockings and you’d be all set!
Establish boundaries as a dominatrix
Please always make sure that you and your partner are both comfortable throughout the whole process. What is it that you want to do? What do you want your partner to do? Talk to each other, and make sure you have a safe word set in place before anything happens. As long as you’re both comfortable and you feel in control at all times, you’re doing great.
Also make sure that you know what they want, otherwise how will you know what they’re comfortable with?
So in conclusion, just make sure to have a talk with them beforehand, no need to be shy.
Play the part of the dominatrix
This might be a bit difficult for my fellow anxiety-ridden, socially awkward, pillow princesses but you have to believe in yourself! Be confident. Thankfully, this should be easier the more safer and comfortable you feel with your partner. If you’re not confident then you won’t be able to take full control of the situation. You should be in charge. You ARE in charge. Just keep reminding yourself that. Or just fake it till you make it, practice when you’re on your own and go over the plan with your partner beforehand. It might be easier if you can also keep a good posture throughout as it will subconsciously let your partner know that you’re in charge, making you more reassured about your role as the dominatrix.
Take a deep breath, hold your head high and stand straight. You got this.
A good dominatrix knows when and how to attend to their sub’s needs
Even if being a dominatrix means taking what you want, it doesn’t mean you should forget about your partner’s needs and their comfort zones too. This is for both of your pleasure. You can boss them around as much as your heart desires, but make sure to reward them for it. This isn’t a one-way street or it takes two to tango or some other cliché saying, but you get the message.
Also, make sure at the end to look after your partner. Giving them some water, or a massage or just drawing them a nice bath are all great ways to make sure they’re doing okay. After-care is very vital, especially for intense sessions like such.
Okay now we are going to get to the good part because I know this is really why you’re here.
All The Things You Can Do As a Dominatrix
I will keep repeating this no matter what, make sure there is consent before doing anything and observe your partner’s body language during. Sometimes they might be embarrassed to use the safe word so noticing how their body is reacting will help you make sure they are okay. If their body stiffens or if they’re avoiding eye contact that is a sign that they might not be enjoying the experience.
- Use toys
Dominatrix Toys to Use for Pain:
Some people enjoy the pain, so impact toys are the way to go. A good paddle or a whip could do wonders, but make sure that you’re not being too forceful with them, some people may enjoy the pain but you don’t want anyone to get hurt.
The Tickler Toy:
Surprisingly, not enough people will think to use a tickle toy during their intimate times. However if you choose to use it, keep in mind that using this toy to someone who is extremely ticklish may not be a great idea, unless you think that their laughs and giggles wouldn’t distract you from being in control, but a tickler is, in my opinion, a very great toy to have and use. It’s the perfect way to tease your partner, have them at your mercy, just like a dominatrix would. Just slide it across their nipples or necks. Thank me later.
Pinchers:
Again with the pain element, most people love some good nipple clamps, it’s all in the name. Just make sure if you do, be careful not to use it for too long as it cuts off the circulation. It’s all about having fun but also being safe.
Your Common Dominatrix Toys:
I know you know what that means. Use your vibrators, dildos and plugs! A good dominatrix knows how and when to make the most out of all the toys in her disposal, and you can never go wrong with them! Again, make sure you’re being safe though, use the right lube needed for the specific toy you want to play with.
A very dominatrix toy you can use, if you’re comfortable, is a strap-on. Game changer if you ask me, but each to their own of course.
Bondage
Okay, full disclosure, I myself am quite new with some aspects of bondage BUT I am very familiar with the basics and safe and precautions for them (thanks to my boyfriend, bless him) so no need to worry cause I have also done some research.
Restraining toys
So your very straight-forward toys for bondage are cuffs of course. If you’re new to this, try to go for wrist or leg cuffs, there are also genitalia cuffs but no need to make it complicated just yet, this is a beginner’s guide to being a dominatrix after all.
A little advice, go with cuffs that are fluffy you know? I hate it when they leave marks. Or go with leather cuffs, they might leave a mark after but they’re a lot more gentle than the metal ones. Or you know, ask your partner which ones they prefer.
You also have your gags and your leashes, toys that as a dominatrix you should probably try and use, but if you’re new to them make sure to check with your partner and not take things too far.
Rope
Rope is a more complex toy if you ask me. There are so many different knots and twists you can use it for, that even I get very confused with it. What I do know is, you should definitely use a comfortable rope and it should be at least 0.20 in (5mm) thick, because using a thin rope is very uncomfortable and can even cause some nerve damage and you don’t need me to tell you that this can be extremely unpleasant. However, if you’re only looking to tie your partner's hands or legs, there is a special tape you can use for it instead, that is very durable and the tape just sticks to itself but not you, perfect for the dominatrix who doesn't want to hurt their partner … not on purpose of course. It is so much easier believe me, just ask for it in the sex shop of your choice and they’ll know what you’re looking for, there’s no shame and if you’ve never been to a shop like that before, you’re really missing out. I find people working in these shops are very friendly and funny, they just know how to make you feel comfortable and I am so grateful for them.
Please, for the love of God, do not ever leave your partner alone while tied up, and when you do tie them up make sure they can breathe without any difficulties and finally, ALWAYS have scissors nearby for any emergencies.
P.S. Everybody, thank my boyfriend for this. If you’re looking to learn how to use different rope designs while acting out your dominatrix dreams, this is a very good website to get you started!
21 Things You Can Say as A Dominatrix
Giving commands and praising or degrading (or both) is basically all you have to do.
- You look so good right now.
- I’m going to make you feel so good.
- You’re doing such a good job.
- I love how hard you try for me.
- You can do it.
- You look amazing like that.
- Good girl/boy.
- Just like that.
- You have until the count of … to do as I say.
- I decide when you can cum.
- Strip.
- You look so pretty when you cum.
- If you disobey you will be punished.
- If you do as told, you will be rewarded.
- Do you like that? Tell me how much you like it
- Is that the best you can do?
- I can take it or you can give it to me. Your choice.
- Get on your knees.
- Beg.
- I’m so proud of you.
- You’re not the one who’s in charge here.
Here’s a more extensive list of all the things you can say as a dominatrix.
Or you can always improvise and come up with your own of course. Just make it spicy.
Oh and one more thing before I forget and we part ways. I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume that you know the thing that guys do (when you’re doing the deed) and they apply pressure on your stomach so it’s easier to hit all the right places? Well when you’re the dominatrix and on top, you can apply some light pressure on their chest instead. Apparently this
“helps to show you're in charge. People who like the pain of whips and stuff will like it from the pressure and it can also be comforting, like a weighted blanket”.
This is the end. You made it. So now go and be the best dominatrix you can be! Just remember: be confident, establish boundaries with your partner, and most importantly, have fun!!
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