Are you struggling to connect with your partner who has an avoidant attachment style? Building a healthy and secure relationship with someone who struggles to open up and be emotionally available can be challenging.

But don't worry, we've got you covered.

What is an Avoidant Attachment Style?

We all have attachment styles.

They're like silent scripts written by our past experiences and emotions.

Among these, the avoidant attachment style often stands out. Have you ever wondered why your partner seems to swing between moments of intimacy and times of distance? Beneath the surface of guarded emotions lies the potential for a deep and fulfilling bond.

An avoidant attachment style is a type of attachment style characterized by a fear of intimacy and a tendency to withdraw from close relationships. People with avoidant attachment styles often have difficulty expressing their emotions and forming close bonds with others. They may also be uncomfortable with physical touch and affection.

Avoidant attachment styles typically develop in early childhood, when a child's caregiver is emotionally unavailable or unresponsive. This can lead the child to feel like they are not worthy of love and affection. As a result, they may learn to avoid intimacy and emotional closeness in order to protect themselves from being hurt.

How to Tell If You're Dating a Partner with an Avoidant Attachment Style

A good relationship with an avoidant partner is possible by understanding how they function in relationships. Someone with an avoidant attachment style often:

• avoids emotional closeness in relationships
• feels their partners are being clingy
• withdraws and copes with difficult situations alone
• suppresses emotions
• avoids complaining, preferring to sulk or hint at what is wrong
• suppresses negative memories
• withdraws or tunes out from unpleasant conversations
• deep down fears rejection so will reject first
• haves a strong sense of independence
• haves feelings of high self-esteem while having a negative view of others
• focuses on their own needs and comforts

It is important to note that not everyone with an avoidant attachment style will exhibit all of these signs. Some people may only have a few of these signs, while others may have many.

Once you know you are dating an avoidant partner, you can begin working to make your relationship healthy and fulfilling. Understanding how they operate in relationships can help you both to find ways to build a relationship and develop patience as you learn each other’s needs and boundaries.

Dating a Partner with an Avoidant Attachment

We won’t sugarcoat it - dating a partner with an avoidant attachment can be challenging! Want to know what that typical avoidant is? One common example of an avoidant partner is Mr. Big from Sex and the City. Another is Harvey Spector from Suits. Meredith Grey in Grey’s Anatomy is another. 

They will withdraw in difficult situations. Harvey Spector would constantly bail on his relationships at the first warning of trouble. Mr. Big also floated in relationship limbo to avoid commitment (remember when he didn’t want Carrie to move to Paris with him?) and Meredith’s default reaction is a quick no and a fast goodbye. 

If you’ve done the Couply Attachment Quiz, you know that these attachment styles come in shades. It’s not default black and white and also – over time, attachment styles will morph and change depending on your experiences. 

Knowing you and your partner’s attachment style can improve your relationship by teaching you how to love your partner without compromising your own needs.

Challenges in Dating a Partner with an Avoidant Attachment Style

Building a relationship with an avoidant partner can be challenging. People with avoidant attachment styles often have difficulty expressing their emotions and forming close bonds with others. They may also be uncomfortable with physical touch and affection. This can make it difficult to create a sense of intimacy and connection in the relationship.

Here are some of the challenges that you may face when building a relationship with an avoidant partner:

• Difficulty communicating emotions: Avoidant partners may have difficulty expressing their emotions, both positive and negative. This can make it difficult to understand what they are thinking and feeling, and it can also make it difficult to resolve conflict.
• Fear of intimacy: Avoidant partners often have a fear of intimacy and closeness. This may lead them to withdraw from the relationship or to avoid certain topics of conversation.
• Need for independence: Avoidant partners often have a strong need for independence. They may not want to spend as much time with you as you would like, and they may be resistant to making joint decisions.
• Difficulty trusting others: Avoidant partners may have difficulty trusting others, especially in romantic relationships. This may lead them to be suspicious of your intentions or to question your commitment to the relationship.
• Fear of abandonment: Avoidant partners may have a fear of abandonment. This may lead them to be clingy or demanding, or it may lead them to withdraw from the relationship altogether.

Despite these challenges, it is possible to build a strong and healthy relationship with an avoidant partner. It is important to be patient and understanding, and to respect their need for independence. It is also important to communicate your own needs and expectations clearly.

5 Ways to Date a Partner with an Avoidant Attachment Style

1. Give them space

Giving someone space means allowing them to have time and privacy to themselves. It can be difficult to do, especially if you care about someone and want to be close to them. However, it is important to respect their need for space, even if you don't understand it.

Here are some tips for giving someone space:

• Don't take it personally. When someone asks for space, it doesn't mean they don't love you or want to be with you. It simply means they need some time to themselves.
• Respect their boundaries. If they say they need space, don't try to force them to be around you. This will only make them feel more suffocated and less likely to want to be close to you.
• Give them time. It may take some time for them to feel comfortable opening up to you again. Be patient and understanding, and don't pressure them.
• Don't smother them. When they do start to come around, don't smother them with attention. This will only make them feel like they can't breathe.
• Be there for them when they need you. Let them know that you're there for them, even if they don't want to talk about what's going on.

By following these tips, you can give someone space while still showing them that you care.

However, if you’re getting an extended lack of attention is a significant problem. Plus, you need an amount of communication to feel loved and respected, depending on your attachment style.  So it’s reasonable to ask your partner to check in on an amount that you feel comfortable with. Even if they need space or a weekend alone to unwind. Tell your partner you expect them to explain to you what they’re looking for before switching off to give you peace of mind. 

2. Be patient in arguments

Although it’s painful when they refuse to talk to you, don’t chase after them as it will make them pull away more.  Instead, give them time to sort out their feelings and then have a calm conversation. 

People with avoidant attachment styles tend to withdraw from conflict and avoid expressing their emotions. This can make it difficult to have productive arguments, as they may be reluctant to communicate their needs and wants.

If you are dating someone with an avoidant attachment style, it is important to be patient in arguments. This means taking the time to listen to their perspective, even if you don't agree with it. It also means avoiding personal attacks and name-calling.

Here are some tips for being patient in arguments with someone who has an avoidant attachment style:

• Take a deep breath. It can be easy to get emotional during an argument, but it's important to stay calm and collected.
• Listen actively. Really listen to what your partner is saying, even if you don't agree with it.
• Avoid personal attacks. Don't call your partner names or make personal insults.
• Focus on the issue at hand. Don't bring up past arguments or irrelevant topics.
• Be willing to compromise. Sometimes, the best way to resolve an argument is to find a solution that both of you can agree on.

By being patient and understanding, you can help your partner feel safe and supported, even during an argument. This can make it more likely that they will be willing to communicate their needs and wants in the future.

3. Learn to compromise

If you are dating someone with an avoidant attachment style, it is important to learn to compromise. This means being willing to give up something you want in order to reach an agreement that works for both of you. It also means being understanding of their needs and wants, even if you don't agree with them.

Here are some tips for learning to compromise in dating a partner with an avoidant attachment style:

• Be patient. It may take some time for your partner to learn to compromise. Be patient and understanding, and don't give up.
• Be clear about your needs and wants. Let your partner know what you need and want in the relationship. This will help them understand what you are willing to compromise on.
• Be willing to listen to your partner's needs and wants. Try to understand where your partner is coming from and why they want what they want.
• Be willing to find a solution that works for both of you. This may mean giving up something that you want, but it's important to remember that compromise is about finding a solution that works for everyone involved.

Avoidants might not see things the same as you, and while it’s super important they respect what you want out of your relationship it’s also fair that you understand they have a slightly different value structure. So, a way to get around this for social obligations for example is have some simple rules: clearly communicated optional and mandatory! 

For example, if you want them to meet up with your family but they would prefer to stay at home? But this week is important to you? You can tell them that this one is mandatory, but next week is optional. 

By following these tips, you can learn to compromise in dating a partner with an avoidant attachment style and build a stronger, more lasting relationship.

4. Don’t assume

When in a relationship with an avoidant partner, their distance and avoidance can make you trigger your own anxious attachment. This is why working on your communication and have them understand your attachment style and what you need is so very important. 

People with avoidant attachment styles tend to withdraw from relationships and avoid intimacy. They may also be reluctant to communicate their needs and wants. This can make it difficult to know what they are thinking or feeling, and it can be tempting to make assumptions.

However, it is important to avoid assuming things when dating a partner with an avoidant attachment style. This is because assumptions can lead to misunderstandings, conflict, and hurt feelings.

Here are some reasons why it is important to avoid assuming things when dating a partner with an avoidant attachment style:

• It can lead to misunderstandings. When you assume something, you are filling in the blanks with your own thoughts and feelings. This can lead to misunderstandings, as your partner may not be thinking or feeling the same thing as you.
• It can lead to conflict. When you assume something and it turns out to be wrong, it can lead to conflict. This is because your partner may feel like you don't trust them or that you don't understand them.
• It can hurt feelings. When you assume something about your partner and it is wrong, it can hurt their feelings. This is because they may feel like you don't care about them or that you don't value their opinion.
• It can make them feel even more avoidant. When you make assumptions about your partner, it can make them feel like they can't be themselves around you. This can make them feel even more avoidant and less likely to open up to you.

5. Adjust your expectations

People with avoidant attachment styles tend to be independent and self-sufficient. They may have difficulty getting close to others and may withdraw from relationships when they feel threatened. This can make it difficult to meet their needs and expectations, especially if you are used to being in relationships with people with more secure attachment styles.

While none are wrong or right, you need to adjust your expectations of a realistic relationship. 

However, it requires effort from both partners to make any relationship work. They also need to compromise to fulfill your needs. 

If you are dating someone with an avoidant attachment style, it is important to adjust your expectations. This means being understanding of their needs and wants, even if they are different from your own. It also means being patient and giving them time to warm up to you.

Here are some tips for adjusting your expectations when dating someone with an avoidant attachment style:

• Be patient. It may take some time for your partner to open up to you. Be patient and understanding, and don't give up.
• Be understanding. Understand that your partner may need more space than you do. Don't take it personally if they don't want to spend as much time with you as you would like.
• Be clear about your needs and wants. Let your partner know what you need and want in the relationship. This will help them understand what you are willing to compromise on.
• Be willing to compromise. Sometimes, you may need to compromise your needs and wants in order to meet your partner's needs. This is okay, as long as both of you are happy with the arrangement.

By following these tips, you can adjust your expectations when dating someone with an avoidant attachment style and build a stronger, more lasting relationship.

Do you know you and your partner’s Attachment Style?

If you don’t, take the quiz and if this topic is interesting to you, dive deep into the Attachment Style course in Couply app. This will guide you through couples questions, relationship quizzes and tests that will help you in shaping your conversations in building your relationship with your partner.